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Thread: Big Surprise! - 2nd Attempt

  1. January 26th, 2006, 02:25 PM #1
    mcakbar
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    Big Surprise! - 2nd Attempt

    Here be a rapsh for you to play with and wipe yer ass to (Recite while pankin and spankin that pank with the loo roll when its stankin)

    Terry:

    *chorus*
    Make sure you aint eatin while readin'
    coz Tranny T'll make your sick have beef in.
    I aint runnin with this he/she 'thing'.
    she said rhyme with me or im tellin your g/f


    Verse 1

    I was horny one night after clubbin,
    thought, why not, i'm up for some lovin'
    went down a sidestreet and paid some ho,
    she got on her knees and started to blow.

    I came and splatted right in her face,
    she swallowed and said lets go to my place.
    We got down to it, plastic titties, sweet arse...
    but oh shit! the bitch had big BALLS. AARGH!!!


    *Chorus*
    Make sure you aint eatin while readin'
    coz Tranny T'll make your sick have beef in.
    I aint runnin with this he/she 'thing'.
    she said rhyme with me or im tellin your g/f


    Verse 2

    Tranny T:

    I was once a young turd, ugly, absurd...
    So I chopped of mi bent nob now im a bird!
    Since then pullin aint a problem...
    It's my perogative to grab as many cocks as possible....
    and gobble 'em
    Who needs colgate when i've got this white paste...
    Man it gets stuck between my teeth and replace
    the bacteria in its place.
    I've not brushed my teeth since 1999
    yet my teeth be so white that they fookin shine...

    *Chorus*
    Make sure you aint eatin while readin'
    coz i'll make your sick have beef in.
    I've been bummin with this terry guy,
    i've got aids, he's goin to die.



    Verse 3

    One day I was nearly sick,
    I fingered my arse, then attemptin a nose pick!
    I'm scaring and 'freakin' my self right now...
    since I heard FACK this Gerbil just wont come out...

    I think i'm chargin too little for bum-sex,
    I'm squeezin too hard and they are gettin shit dicks.
    Now that should cum at extra cost...
    damn all that money i've lost


    Terry:

    *Chorus*
    Make sure you aint eatin while readin'
    coz Tranny T'll make your sick have beef in.
    I aint runnin with this he/she 'thing'.
    she said rhyme with me or im tellin your g/f
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  2. January 26th, 2006, 02:26 PM #2
    mcakbar
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...13#post3864613

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=263288&page=3

    Links needed. (hopefully)
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  3. January 26th, 2006, 06:25 PM #3
    analystic cynic
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    i mean it was a fairly funny concept butthe rhymes were kinda weak, and pretty rigid flow
    keep workin at it
    the line between emcee and comedian gets a little thinner
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  4. January 26th, 2006, 08:53 PM #4
    Marroc
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    hahahahah^^^ i feel you homie, i love it when an emcee got humor dog, you mad coo with me homie, i heard that fack song by eminem so i know what your talkin about, that shit is hallarious, HALLARIOUS! lol, nice shit homie,
    "splatted right in her face"
    ^^funny^^


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  5. January 26th, 2006, 09:15 PM #5
    topher
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    Urgh.Its decent.I see you tried to use an om,but its kinda of diffrent from an om and a song.You didnt really have multies,personificatiosn,not even astorylien,or anything of that type of sort.But i see your elevating,and i know you'll get better.So remember to elevate on those,also wriet something where you can imagine it,and put some emotion in iut.


    pz.
    hurterrybody.
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  6. January 27th, 2006, 10:19 AM #6
    mcakbar
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    Hey thanks for all the feedback

    Uppin for the day...
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  7. January 28th, 2006, 04:23 AM #7
    Kongol
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    Drop was gd shit
    Flow not bad
    Structure improvin
    Rhymth kk
    keep@it

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    Shit Happens
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  8. January 28th, 2006, 05:48 AM #8
    mcakbar
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    Cheers for the feed....

    Uppin again............
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  9. January 29th, 2006, 10:16 AM #9
    mcakbar
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    Upping for more feedback....

    ^ up we go son ^
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  10. January 29th, 2006, 10:20 AM #10
    Mafioso.
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    wtf
    The words I write are oxygen to greatness.
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  11. January 29th, 2006, 02:30 PM #11
    The Vortex
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    not bad ...the explicitness gave me jokes.. needs more lyrical elements tho to lift it..flo was ok.. mite make a good/crazy ass song on audio..haha


    you sure was thinking sick 4 this 1

    yeah! ok
    .................................................. ......................
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  12. January 29th, 2006, 07:13 PM #12
    mcakbar
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    I know it's a bit bare for structure and rhyming schemes but I always tend to think of whatever I write as audio and to some sort of rhythmic beat (which seems to be banging along in my head 24/7)

    Thanks to all for the constructive feedback.
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  13. January 29th, 2006, 07:21 PM #13
    justrude
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    the verses were ok.......but i liked the chorses better.......but overall it was pretty dope. keep elevating. pz
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  14. January 30th, 2006, 12:32 PM #14
    mcakbar
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    thanks


    uppin again ^
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  15. January 30th, 2006, 01:13 PM #15
    Spekz
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    Honestly the concept itself was pretty funny. Like there were a few lines that really made me laugh, but it was a definetly a piece in my eyes based around comical relief. Because it fell off in a few categories, such as wordplay,complexity…each line was pretty much simple..it was what it was ya kno. I think you could have added some more complex vocab/wordplay….maybe some more internals. However it flowd decently, and the structure was ok. Overall not a bad piece yet it was mostly good cuz of its funny concept!..but u made it good so congrats! Hit my piece up in my sig ….when its up! Thank you!
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