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Thread: Poverty In Democracy [Don't Sleep]

  1. #1
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Poverty In Democracy [Don't Sleep]

    Poverty In Democracy

    We've learned to share nothing, but the shining sun and moon,
    beans, bullets, band-aids, hand grenades, and platoons.
    Walking under this blue dome, all alone, far from home,
    In a country founded by Indians, we now call our own.
    Following laws enforced by the corrupted police
    where we imprison in the name of freedom; kill in the name of peace.
    Walking by children with no shoes, no socks on their feet
    past the veterans sifting trash for something to eat.
    I walked up the steps and knelt at Lincoln's feet
    and wept in vein while he remained in his seat.
    I looked to the Capital, such a symbol of wealth,
    neglecting our elderly with diminishing health.
    politics, red tape, and government bureaucracy
    Home sweet Home our democracy of hypocrisy.
    Democracy, distributive traditionally nailed to the cross,
    The economic military, the surreptitious stiffling boss
    No public employment just deployment, the cost,
    Human-Life, the untold reasons, an unforgivable loss
    New-Age feudalism fosters economic deprivation, its trash,
    the Contemporary peasant, the pheasant under glass
    Poverty, economical and societal sabotage
    Of genocide’s judiciary-legislative-executive entourage
    Maintained by the struggle for world-power, the facade smashed,
    looters ransack residents, and snatch the pride and cash
    Poverty, the parochial purveyor of democracy,
    The... unilateral collateral for the aristocracy
    The... Holy Political Empire, the squire and page,
    Remnant from the patriotic, now begins the Dark Age
    The poverty-police practitioners petitioning pander,
    People are prisoners to propagandizing foreign slander
    Riots, explosions, terrorist attacks and broken fenders,
    Starved into surrenderity, all for the legal-tender!
    People, the glorious labor-force for globalization,
    The justification for human immolation, the auspices of world-domination
    Intellectual enterprise is merchandise in disguise as a profanity,
    Global, culture-vulture, feasting on underdeveloped humanity.

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    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    We've learned to share nothing, but the shining sun and moon,
    beans, bullets, band-aids, hand grenades, and platoons.

    ^Does the needed effect for the start lines, no doubt.

    Following laws enforced by the corrupted police
    where we imprison in the name of freedom; kill in the name of peace.

    ^Good, man.

    Of genocide’s judiciary-legislative-executive entourage

    ^Dumb fucks gon' run for a dictionary lol

    People, the glorious labor-force for globalization,
    The justification for human immolation, the auspices of world-domination

    ^Somehow seemed the weakest combination in the whole thing.

    Yo, the vocab is superb, of course, a pure prophet-preachin' drop, word.

    Revolution will not be televised lol

    Overall: for those who got vocab skillz, it's a perfect pleasant reading.

    Keep it up.

    Peace

    Krit!cal

  4. #4
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    this was a good piece it had some creative words....it was real long but worth readin...i thought that it had some good imagery like i felt i was that person...this was a good topic that u chose to write about...try to een up your lines a lil...but the structure was still good...keep it up
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  5. #5
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    Nah man the lines were ok, try rappin' it out, if you got good pronunciation - it fits.

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    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Ok, thanks, bump.

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    Nostradomus, man, at least you could say if you agree/disagree with some shit in my feedback or sumthin', man, thass what I analyze for :[ lol c'mon man you ain't that busy.

    Peace

    Krti!cal

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    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Up.

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    ^ Says It All ^
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    You're only 15??

    Dude, excellently written, really liked the way you worded everything. The way you executed the grasp on the topic was awesome. Vocab used was another level, in some cases when writers try & use the lesser known words in verses, it comes off shit, but this was outstanding, seriously, great writing style.

    where we imprison in the name of freedom; kill in the name of peace

    That line there really stood out for me. Its often thought, but when its written in a piece like this, it really stands out & makes you think & take notice.

    Very well done, definately looking out for more of your pieces.

  10. #10
    J.Christ
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    We've learned to share nothing, but the shining sun and moon,
    beans, bullets, band-aids, hand grenades, and platoons.
    Walking under this blue dome, all alone, far from home,
    In a country founded by Indians, we now call our own.
    nice .

    Democracy, distributive traditionally nailed to the cross,
    The economic military, the surreptitious stiffling boss
    damn , thats whassup


    This one was on point , keep that type of shit up .

  11. #11
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    this was nicely done man it was actually awesome to be honest. flow was right there you know? structure was awesome too it added to flow. your rhyme scheme was nice too. your vocabulary was excellent cuz you added words like democracy, legistlative, and fuedalism w/e and it definitely was all related to your beggining topic. the first few lines to me have already shown the overall topic. this was awesome

  12. #12
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by N LitEnd
    You're only 15??

    Dude, excellently written, really liked the way you worded everything. The way you executed the grasp on the topic was awesome. Vocab used was another level, in some cases when writers try & use the lesser known words in verses, it comes off shit, but this was outstanding, seriously, great writing style.

    where we imprison in the name of freedom; kill in the name of peace

    That line there really stood out for me. Its often thought, but when its written in a piece like this, it really stands out & makes you think & take notice.

    Very well done, definately looking out for more of your pieces.
    Thanks alot man, I appreciate it. And yeh I'm only 15. I've been doing a lot of writing throughout my life and stuff.

    Thanks to everybody else also.

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    This was really good. i enjoyed reading this, it had great imagery and fantastic use of words. structure was on point as always with your pieces and it flowed well. with every piece i read of yours i never can find anything bad about it. well done.

  14. #14
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    Brilliant. So many quotables in this. I was feeling the whole story. You basically covered the whole other side of democracy. If you would let me I would like to follow up on this with my own .
    Back.

  15. #15
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Gracias brah.

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