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Thread: Gettin Ready For War

  1. #1
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    Gettin Ready For War

    Gettin Ready For War

    The trumpet sounds in the middle of the night, I wake up in a cold sweat,
    Everybody hoppin out of beds, runnin, gettin ready for our upcomin threat,
    I feel the vibrations in my bed of the planes getting ready to depart,
    I feel my oxygen leave my lungs and my blood being pumped by my heart,
    I look in the mirror and feel the horror that is held within my eyes,
    I could never get rid of the pain of holdin someone as they slowly die,
    My knees hit the cold concrete floor as I cup my hands and pray to the Lord,
    This optimistic moment of a soldier who regrets joining this army tactics board,
    I've killed so many men yet my mind is so incapable of seeing bloodshed,
    Seeing the red dripping from a man's body is something I surely dread,
    I stand up and walk out to see the plane that I've flown in war for years,
    The same plane that I look at with fear and I feel like I want to shed tears,
    I climb up in my seat , check the gears, and I'm ready for the war ahead,
    Turn the engines on and full speed as the velocity lets the seat meet my head,
    The pressure of it constricts your lungs and leaves you breathless for moments brief,
    I see the ocean and it's like a potion to my mind which is now set with relief,
    Looking on past that, smoke coats the air, and fire is seen blazing spasmodically,
    I pull up the stick and feel the heat on the metal held in my hand tightly,
    The sound of an explosion very near sounds and I look around for the source,
    I get my answer from a missile that hit dead on collapsing my ribs from the force,
    I'm going down trying everything I can to gain some ounce of control,
    The lessons I was taught erased by adrenaline and I forgot everything I was told,
    Another blast and I see the black and red top of the missile coming at me,
    I push the ejection button and hold the handles of my parachute tightly,
    I feel this is the beginning and I'm just getting ready for the war,
    I hit the ground and grip my pistol, looking up as my burning plane soars,
    My brain senses the pain that my back is getting like I was on a shooting range,
    My chest hits the rigid grass that is now ash and my body seems to change,
    I'm rising looking at my body laying there as I feel as good as an angel,
    I look up to see a pearl castle with gates the beautiful color of hazel,
    I made it to heaven for all of the suffering that I took and all the pain,
    Now I sit here, looking down, as I watch the people look at it rain on my engraved name,
    Last edited by detremental.; May 16th, 2006 at 03:36 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    This was a very nice piece man. The vocab was on point and I feel you executed it well. The flow was good although was choppy at times, one way to elimnate that is to shorten you're lines. If you shorten you're lines and take out unnessacary things it will flow very well and well be a lot better. The structure was very good and you're topic was good and you stuck to it well. Good piece man, just try to shorten you're lines. Peace

  4. #4
    Banned Big C.'s Avatar
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    Nice drop...I felt it....topic was interesting.
    Rhymes were good. Flow was smooth throughout.
    Vocab was descent could be much better.
    Imagery was good overall. Also room for elevation
    Overall this was a nice solid peice..keep it ip

  5. #5
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    Thanx for the feed. I'm just glad I'm elevating.

  6. #6
      TeK-NiK's Avatar
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    DAM .. I Loved This OM ... Very Creative And Gave Me A Clear Insight Into The Topic .. All Good With The Rhymes, Flow, Structure & Dope Vocab ... Everything Was Ill Bro .. You Defo Elevating .. Good Drop

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  7. #7
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    Thanx mah nigga. This is good. I'm real glad I'm elevating and I will still work on becoming better.

  8. #8
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    this piece was dope and you staye on topic. it was very creative also. i liked that there. ya vocab was decent. flow coulda been better but overall this was a dope piece....

  9. #9
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    Shit was str8 nothin special................Juss fucking elevate on flow and multies some more man........hope ya fall ova and die have a fucked up day...pz
    If you wanna die, fuck wit me...............BITCH

    betarecords.com/da.furm

  10. #10
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Vertikle~
    Shit was str8 nothin special................Juss fucking elevate on flow and multies some more man........hope ya fall ova and die have a fucked up day...pz
    get the fuck out of my threads pussy. You can't battle or do OM's so stfu or battle me topical bitch.

  11. #11
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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  12. #12
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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  13. #13
    this shits tight i like the imagery and it puts u in the predicament if u jus think about it, good use of words and u dont soiund like ur pullin ideas out of ur ass... good shit. 1.

  14. #14
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    thanx for the feed man.

  15. #15
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