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Thread: Fox In the Hen House

  1. #1
    The Black JC. Julius Caesar's Avatar
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    Fox In the Hen House

    A Light stands out through the opaque darkness,
    with someone lying awake in this distinct quiteness.
    Moving with cautious, trying to keep the peace,
    as If I have that attitude feeling back in the 1970's.
    Raindrops pouring from the outside and in,
    with soap and hot water hitting on someone skin.
    The scent of dial rises in my nose- Building
    this comfortable, elastic smooth, velvety feeling.
    Get more closer to the light- Feels like I'm in hell,
    sweats turning my brow wet-trapped in a furnace cell.
    He enters the bathtub with his own two feets,
    body so masculine signalfies him as a athlete.
    covered in little particles of linen with foul body odor,
    He still feels the femine nail prints on his shoulder.
    Still his ears reverberate the rhymthic moan,
    his organ responded hard- as if the sex is still going.
    Fingers on the knob, twist of the wrist, water spills,
    his mind taken off sex, knowing he have germs to kill.
    "May I join you?" Another voice came from behind him.
    Now there's 4 feets, cover in water and soap, in the ship.

    I couldn't believe my eyes, my heart beating hard,
    12 years of marriage and now thier ruined in bloody scars.


    "Honey I"

    My Lips tighten, my stomach ache with agony of pain.
    Now I know that 'love' is nothing to gain- just poison in your viens.

    "I Thought"


    Who would've known, my husband, after pulling the curtain,
    I would see the true side of him and the effect is me feeling burdan

    "You was"

    My mind boggling, thoughts knocking on doors-? Answers,
    and the more I stand here, the more this emotion spreads like cancer.


    "Working late"

    12 years of marriage it was one clit and one dick,
    now I see 2 dicks. I grab the nearest sharp object, "You Bitch"

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  2. #2
    Keep It Trill keywerd's Avatar
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    Holy shit. That was nice. The build up was excellent, imagery perfect. Crazy flip. The vocab ehh not so much but I really got wrapped up in the story. I can see that happenin in my head as I post this. Fuckin genious.
    Overall - 9.5/10

    pz.
    ...Keep It Trill...
    Fucc what a nigga gotta say
    Fucc what a cracca gotta say
    Fucc what a bitch gotta say
    Fucc what a tricc gotta say
    Fucc what a pimp gotta say
    Fucc what a player, AND a hater gotta say.

  3. #3
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    imagery of this piece was nice....very creative....it had a nice build up, like keyed said, of tension that makes u wanna keep on reading.....the flow was good, vocab coulda been better...but on the real i dont give a fuck bout vocab,dont know why thats a catagory, in this piece the bars flow'd very well.....

    9/10

    keep write'n fam.

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  4. #4
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
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    wow..simply wow son. i really liked that piece. for real. I loved the original topic man for real. felt so powerful and was a statement worthy of HoF for real. i felt the descriptions and emotion and it was consistent fully throughout this piece. the originality again man was brilliant. the story line was almost confusing in a way..like the way you made me guess what was going to happen in the conclusion of it. for real b. dope drop 10/10.

    -Peace

    drop some feed in my collab wit cassidy.
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  5. #5
    The Black JC. Julius Caesar's Avatar
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    Last edited by Julius Caesar; June 3rd, 2006 at 01:04 AM

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  6. #6
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  7. #7
    i liked this FAM real nice emotion and vocab to the great extent of illness mayne!
    really liked your creativeness and diversity of multied flow....really nice man stay up and active with this
    PB STAND UP!...

    will drop link later for you to RTF.
    <<The real Renegade

  8. #8
    AHHHH! Mono's Avatar
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    Hahaha I liked the ending this was pretty creative and nice sense of imagery here also a good structure multies here and there with a nice topic liked the whole OM it was just phenominal pretty impressive usage of vocab and this topica was very original overall great drop,to go with the topic

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  9. #9
     
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    Get more closer to the light- Feels like I'm in hell,
    sweats turning my brow wet-trapped in a furnace cell.
    Ok man, you have to get back into the topical scene. You took time off, and your pieces dont leave me in awe anymore. The bar I just quoted was the dopest you had, due to its high amount of imagery packed into it. Getting closer to the light, feels like I'm in hell, was pretty nice because the 'light' that you may be speaking of are the flames down below. Correct me if I'm wrong. And the second line you were talking about being in a hot cell, sweating. In other words, you were in custody of the devil. That was a great part of the piece, and hopefully you'll get back into this shit, so you can have lines like that all the time. Piece, and thanks for the read and feedb.

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  10. #10
    The Black JC. Julius Caesar's Avatar
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    No, No. This is about a wife who found her husband with another man..See the first 10-Lines was in first person, the main character, the wife. I changed it up in the next 10 Lines in, 3rd person, the husband. The last 10 Lines, first person, the wife, finding her husband with another man in the shower. The Quote you've mention is her, the wife, being inside the bathroom, the water is "HOT" so Yeah, she's sweating. Thanks for the feed though, props.

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  11. #11
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    yep yep yep yep.

    This piece was extremly nice. There was a very wide reange of vocabulary used that kept me interested the whole time and didn't want me to miss a word. There was a lot of emotion showed with also got me feeling like I was there as this was going on. The topic was intriguing and I have never seen this before, you stayed on point the whole time and delivered a brilliant ending. Imagery I felt you could have worked on but the emotion made up for it so it dosen't matter. Not saying the imagery was bad, but could have been used a little more. Overall though a very very good piece. Keep writing fam.

    Still his ears reverberate the rhymthic moan,
    his organ responded hard- as if the sex is still going.
    Fingers on the knob, twist of the wrist, water spills,
    his mind taken off sex, knowing he have germs to kill.
    "May I join you?" Another voice came from behind him.
    Now there's 4 feets, cover in water and soap, in the ship.
    Holy shit, very nice

    My Lips tighten, my stomach ache with agony of pain.
    Now I know that 'love' is nothing to gain- just poison in your viens.
    My mind boggling, thoughts knocking on doors-? Answers,
    and the more I stand here, the more this emotion spreads like cancer.
    Beautiful

    Peep what I sent you in the PM. Thanks

  12. #12
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julius Caesar
    No, No. This is about a wife who found her husband with another man..See the first 10-Lines was in first person, the main character, the wife. I changed it up in the next 10 Lines in, 3rd person, the husband. The last 10 Lines, first person, the wife, finding her husband with another man in the shower. The Quote you've mention is her, the wife, being inside the bathroom, the water is "HOT" so Yeah, she's sweating. Thanks for the feed though, props.
    lol, I just got a different message I guess.

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  13. #13
    The Black JC. Julius Caesar's Avatar
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    .................................................

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  14. #14
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    topic was made different, creative, and interesting.
    the flow was excellent throughout. basically perfect.
    Strucutre was perfect as well....good rhymes....
    nice imagery, nice vocab overall, and complexity.
    and overall this was a really good peice. keep it up.
    peace~

  15. #15
    The Black JC. Julius Caesar's Avatar
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    .................................................

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