.RdotC. Vs.T.r.oo.P

[Tim]

.RdotC. Vs.T.r.oo.P

Checkins Due Thursday June 1st 11:59 PM Western
Verses Due Saturday June 3rd 11:59 PM Western

Topic: The Dream will never die

Vote on 3/4 battles. More if possible. Thanks.

[Chrit.]

Seen.

[T.r.oo.P]

Done........................

[T.r.oo.P]

I need an Extension until Sunday

I have 2 go 2 my work program in the morning

and i wont be home 2 write my verse

i will drop as soon as i get home...

Dont worry i will show

[Chrit.]

I'll be using that extension as well then.

[Chrit.]

12 years old, a broken nose
Peering under the bed at the bastards toes
Its my mother and brother...
..Getting beaten and smothered
By that drunken motherfucker...
The blood flows with each blow
Thank god he doesn know
That I'm here, and that I'll go...
To the police, the second the screams cease
The second......
*He awakes from his dream*

Its been years of tears, a severe detachment from peers
Gallons of beer, trying to drown the fears
Stemming from one night
One drunken fight
One knife
That put an end to two lives
Will it ever subside????
Counseling didnt work, couldnt replace the hurt
In fact it only killed Bill's self worth
Every night the same thing
Every night the same dream
Cant help but see all the misery...
So Bill made the decision
To make the incision
To his throat knowing no one would miss him
Atleast it would subside, all the sleepless nights
of coffee and pills pushing the dreams aside
Escape to nothing... the thought was perfect
No more hurting...
Bill held the knife, checked the mirror, checked his eyes
Stabbed inward.... finally taking his life
But to his suprise.... there was something after
A sinister voice... a troubling laughter
The bible was right... with his suicide....
A voice confirmed the worst...
Your dream will never die

[T.r.oo.P]

*Stares Up @ the Crowd....

*Do u have any Last Words?

*Yes*

As ........ the Reality of my existence becomes slowly reminiscent
Several hours .......spent wondering why i didnt use CommonSense
Maybe it began when i was Birthed Out from thighs.... Up Into Lies
that insulted my intelligence.... ..and left my eyes watery from Crys
Several days i ran home leaving death dyfieng chants in the Sunset
still they caught me..beat me near death...but they werent done yet
this horror movie never ended....until my eye sockets were shattered
Blood Splattered and teeth Skattered...yet none of it never mattered
It Mutated all my emotions.. into convulsions every single night at 12
Horrifying visions of Hell swelled......impossible 2 be thinking this at 12
Stop!!I thought these are all just Sick..Nasty and Dimented Dreams
These cant be actual thoughts...why am i dreaming about killing teens
that are the exact same age of me...this cant be.....maybe i need help
i filled out reports to the counselor yet they collected dust on the shelf
the beatings kept occuring..until i refused to let them keep hounding me
Thats when Joseph Mountnee came up missing..they searched the county
yet they never questioned me once.... besides i was just the school reject
Two months later they Only Found His Head..the news kind of left me erect
all i dreamt about was being accepted...but now the picture was projected
took me 5 years to kill another peer...just when i thought i was done with it
"Dear Lord Help Me" i use to scream out during my dreams of bloody rampage
it still never helped until they found Sandra with Nails... rammed thru her face
and the Tiniest Trace of Lace..which contained my Dna...Giving them my Name
They bogarded my place..looking for clues to the case...just inflateing my fame
Threw me to 3 meals a day in a cage...hopeing and wishing to stop the Misery
Still i influenced a brigade of teens with the same dream that were missing me
my followers went on a 2 year murder spree..all in the tribute of my Existence
but its 2 days until my execution...me seeing another day seemed reminiscent
To be told i kno all i ever wanted was to be accepted..instead i was rejected
But the "Dream" Died when they snatched my rights 2 life...Its over Forget it
Lord please forgive and cleanse me of all my sins.i jus wanted someone to love
Someone 2 love me...maybe a piece of me left after i float away with the doves
....In my Last Words i will Recite a Line from my Mentor Siagon..
"Why am i Wrong if i Kill a Person that Punch Me...
But its Ok for you to blow up a whole kountry?..................................

*Cloth gets Drapped over my Face*

*Breaking News Coverage*
...Sandra Scott..one of the Many Victims
of Notorious Killer..Jimmy Provalone..was Allegedly Pregnant
at the Time of Her Death....yet the Baby Survived
and is being held at Metro Hospital

*Reporter-Does this mean a Piece of Jimmy Provalone is still Alive?

[Chrit.]

votes.

[DiC n Ya EyE]

.RdotC, interesting verse here with the dysfunctional family display. The imagery was cool and the flow was smooth and natural sounding. Not to many multies and inners, but still kept a cool pace and had me into the imagery. The imagery was the highlight of this and kept some nice scenes to pull in the reader with details. You had that with a nice way to pull the topic in at the end. You didn't detail you killin your dad in this, but as it was implied, you did a good job of wrappin it together with a nightmare that leads to insanity, depression and suicide with a punishment of hell where the same nightmare is continued. Irony can be some cool shit when displayed well, nice shit.

Troop, this was a cool piece as well. Had some interesting point of detail, but what struck me as weird as none of the interest stuff was detailed at all. The killing the boy, killing the other peer, just details of you being a reject and how it made it felt. Kinda whiny really. Needed to expand on more points of interest for such a topic, it needs some excitement in the imagery to pull in the narration nicely. This had plenty of solid dynamics that I liked, it was a nice narration even without the specific detailing I mentioned, and the topic was used nicely too.

Vote .RdotC

[Facts Machine]

RdotC:
The idea and emotion of this piece stood out the most. it was a great way to use a dream topic. The rhyming was basic with no internals or multies to make it stand out more. Story-line and narration kept me interested, so w/o the complex rhymescheme that i usually look forward to, it still made up for it. So yeah overall nice shit could have been much better.

Troop:
The way you approached the topic was creative and you had a good story-line. Your piece was a darker one, which made it interesting for me, but i think the rhymescheme was sloppy and the lines were stretched. I felt many parts were unnecessary and some lines seemed forced. A lot of the rhymes were basic but you still attempted more multies and internals than rdotc, thye just weren't really all that impressive. The emotion was felt in the piece, but not as strong as rdotc's because it wasn't as original... the whole "accept me or i'll kill you, but god will forgive me" idea seemed kinda overused in a sense.

v/rdotc... close one tho.

[Born To Kill]

Well...hmm...

I thought Chrit put forth much better emotion...
And had a nice flow, easier read.

I thought Troop dropped the better story, however.
A bit more original...definitely more psychotic. And I like psychotic.
Chrit's was an age old one that's been told alot around here.
Abusive family...=...whatever...crime, suicide, etc.

I give credit where credit's due...this is probably one of the best "suicide" joints I've read...the emotion...the capturing of the moment/the flashback opener...
All go to Chrit.

But storywise...I was really impressed with Troop...
I like how it snowballed from hatred, to murder, to multiple murder, to copycat/tribute murders, to the death penalty and eventually his own "murder". That's quite a chain reaction, man.
Plus, that quote you used was very nicely placed.

I'm going against the grain on this one...

Vote: Troop

Just personally liked it better.

Peace

[T.r.oo.P]

2-1..............................

[EYE RONIC]

Chrit - Cool job, a different perspective here than I usually see you come with, but overall this was a nice drop. Some metaphors going on here, I like the similes, all that good stuff. The details werent as elaborate as they could've been but they way you used your wording and vocab was pretty nice, a nice smooth touch to it.

Its been years of tears, a severe detachment from peers
Gallons of beer, trying to drown the fears

That^ was one of your dopest lines because of the multies, and especially the concept of drowning your fears with alcohol. I really liked that a lot, it was a good way to portray the fright that this person was going through, and the stress. So nice read, I'm glad you're coming back to this.

Troop - I also liked your piece, your emotion and descriptions were almost perfect when it came to projecting an image in my mind. There was a run-on flow, meaning the flow of the piece stood at one point, and just kept on going on...and on. There were many dull moments in the piece, like this:

It Mutated all my emotions.. into convulsions every single night at 12
Horrifying visions of Hell swelled......impossible 2 be thinking this at 12
Stop!!I thought these are all just Sick..Nasty and Dimented Dreams
These cant be actual thoughts...why am i dreaming about killing teens

IDK, it all didnt really fit together for me. I mean, the emotion, the imagery, and the vocab was there but...you need a good storyline to go along with it, and nothing was really close to the topic IMO. Dont get me wrong, you had good lines too, such as:

Lord please forgive and cleanse me of all my sins.i jus wanted someone to love
Someone 2 love me...maybe a piece of me left after i float away with the doves

This bar flew very smoothly, no glitches or openings that would fuck up the flow. Nicely done there. But I can only choose one of you for my vote, so.....

V/ - Chrit

[Bounce]

very nice battle here, two different perspectives, nice...

I loved the scheme Chrit ran with and I thought his verse was the easier of the two to read in terms of meter. Like mentioned, story line has been done in other ways, but ai think he owned it enough to over look that. You dropped one of the better verses I have read on the subject matter, kind of sticks with you after the read.. dope

troop, suprised me dude, I am a fan of the sickness, but I don't think you nailed if down though. Technical components done well, but if you are going to shine in the ranks of the twisted writters here youa re going to have to step it up big time. Only in the sick and twisted sense that is. I have read many a dark verse by the likes of BTK, sharp and others who would have torched this joint. I just can;t give a vote here although you did a good job ont he write man. Props, just not enough for me in terms of sickness.

vote chrit

[T-Square]

\/ chrit, both had a good vurse and excelent word play and good play with the topic, Everything else wa explained pretty well by the others, although I would say troops was more well written, Chrit had a better read and took the topic to a nice plateau, but shit, Troop yours was raw as shit