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Thread: Refugees.

  1. #1

    Refugees.


    Refugees.

    The senseless sense of winter cascades my salt filled wounds…
    As the smell of death lingers, the flowers they cease to bloom…
    Perilous in a hazy shade of December, deep in freeze I bleed…
    As detriment enters my body, I fall deep into an eternal sleep…

    Beckoning me to join him in a toast, dances with numbness true to few…
    Apparition of death longs to be friend my end… but to see me through…
    I see a dream, that dream is you, tears from heaven, summer brand new…
    Start, I start crying at the thought, emotion warped, ghosts from my past…
    Like I’m living wrapped up in a ouigi board, tessellation of visions…
    Unwanted to view, blind to warmth… my memory remains clear of you.

    …A picture painted, abstract on a canvas of mind, celestial to pain of rain…
    From my eyes, the skies, disguise animosity thunderous clouds rise maimed…
    Yet among the paramount thoughts, the thought crosses my mind, I’m insane…
    Unnamed, except for the branded chains, living on the streets the cold it pains…
    Society turns it’s back, yet summer still holds me in high regard, remains the same...
    Blesses me with warmth of heart, food grows from the trees, cascades my mind train.

    Shrivelled in a blanket…
    I attempt, try to blank it...
    Summer loves me to death…
    So I write to thank it…

    Frustrated to the point It renders my vision blurred, as if, my views are tinted...
    This wishful letter to god, is barely even worth the inc used to carefully print it…
    Blue eyes, drip beads of fear onto the page, that allows me to cage, confine my rage…
    Into written glory, a save-trade, in a civilization where man is supposed to’ve made…
    Abolished all atrocities, against another human alike, each one lied to me and you…
    So dear summer, I beg you free my soul, complete my heart, shed a ray of truth…

    Bring life home, winter only brings death to thou with-out resident.
    ..
    Last edited by Prodi*j; June 15th, 2006 at 01:45 PM

  2. #2

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    ^^ Refugees. Hit it up ^^
    ..

  3. #3
    .....uppin.....

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    ^^ Refugees. Hit it up ^^
    ..

  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    This was writ very well, if you are new to rhyming then this is a very good start. Your not excellent but there were some gems in this OM. This verse in particular caught my eye:
    Shrivelled in a blanket…
    I attempt, try to blank it...
    Summer loves me to death…
    So I write to thank it…
    The simple vocab mixed with good word placement resulted in a excellent poetic script. However, you have to watch the structure. Whatever you do, don't strecth your lines oto much as they strain the eyes and ruin the rythm. I also noticed multies, which is good. So, overall keep it up and poppin'
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  5. #5
    thanx pak for the info more feed please.....

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  6. #6
    .....uppin.....

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    ^^ Refugees. Hit it up ^^
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  7. #7
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    this was a good peice.....nice rymes and nice structure .......the lines flowed well and they wer not stretchd at all nice topic......kinda the same 1 as mine hmmmmmmmmmm........but ye u got potential keep rytin

  8. #8
    thanx for the feed.......uppin........

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  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Fucking biter

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=282007

    ^el poeta was the person who wrote this.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Witness.
    Fucking biter

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=282007

    ^el poeta was the person who wrote this.

    Oh Dayum
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  11. #11
    one was given it by a certain el poeta so fcuk y'all

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  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prodi*j
    one was given it by a certain el poeta so fcuk y'all

    Tut Tut

    People can't give rhymes to allow you to bite. Going offline isn't gonna help either.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  13. #13
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    I have just asked el poeta...he is a very good friend of mine....and he said he gave you fucking nothing.

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  14. #14
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    hahaha that was the worst excuse.Witness report that foo
    "Children and lunatics cut the Gordian knot which the poet spends his life patiently trying to untie."
    Jean Cocteau

    x1 PSHOF

    Imminent Evolution



  15. #15
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    Pretty good...Structure was good most places Some other places were a bit meh......flow was pretty good....vocab was meh could be much more better..rhymes were good..and the topic was interesting......overall this was a pretty nice peice but mmuch room for elevation..

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