"I'll Be Dancing On the Roof"

[Opus]

The palms of dry Tuesdays
sweep the ash of Wednesday,
lubricate the resin with mom's
tears while my hands slip
away from the love of every final hug.

I'll rape this tiny violin for
all the insignificance it's
belaying throat can bare to hold,
as I slip and slide along a threading
noose with a single tear
drowning in the screaming bow.

To every hair that decays
from the head of her first born,
Mother sheds another love letter.

12 months; too many minutes.
My mother's hands met the clocks
as Father Time kissed her wrist
while seconds began to sprint
so they could be the first to slit it.

I watched the clock drink
her blood while the orchestra
played the heart in E minor.
Her sorrows giggled down every
solum wave of percussion
that her tears left on the tin
roof of our rusting syncopation.

Mommy's only happy
when it rains on broken Fridays.
She can't cry when the
floods condemn her misery,
and every ounce of that liquor
we weep is watered down
beyond a sensible cure for hurt.

Don't worry Mom, I love you.

Stop spending yourself
on questions to my wrong answer.
As cancerous as tomorrow's bred,
I'll sit their and sing from cloud nine.

I'll hum our favorite tune
for every loose note I never
meant to let you know,
and as I kiss your weeping
head goodnight listen for
my dancing footsteps...

I'll keep running across
this roof forever just so you
don't have to cry.

[Opus]

dam i cant get love?

[Opus]

wow, cool, got some activity I see

[Dat]

Not bad, i'm not feeling any special vibe in it, or anything uniquely powerful. But i love the meaning, the way you portrayed it, and the scenes you set to tell the story with.

My styles of poetry don't include a basic structure for something like this. I can't tell you how to change, and i'm not saying you should - but personally this gives me an impression that it lacks a certain characteristic that could make it appeal to me alot more. Maybe a bolder take at your adjectives, try and make them more raw and aggressive where they are meant to be, and soften them and smooth them over where you need to.

Keep it up.

Return feed on my poem - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=300122