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Thread: Some thoughts about culture.

  1. July 28th, 2006, 04:28 AM #1
    Engivale
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    Some thoughts about culture.

    Okay, I tried to write this and insert the pauses when I could forcibly to help you read how I want this to flow... I hope it helps. But this is a slower verse. It kind of works to go fast, but slower and more enunciated and slow with the syllables I think works best for this.



    Through the twilight, my eyes tight, I listen
    For my right to lime-lite...
    Try as I might...
    ...I'm missin'-
    It's the anniversary of the first verse that we heard-
    Time to burst and be immersed in this absurd-
    Poetic culture... So that a poster...
    Can be sold for two-fold with the all-granite coaster...
    Capitalists-
    Democracy...
    It just so happens that this is hypocrasy...
    So much to say-
    That the very phrase has been raised to cliche-
    It's commonplace to have a case lost in a day...
    I toss in my pay-
    To society's cost...
    I'm crossin' the fray of the riots we caused-
    And by any clause, we break the convention-
    Forsake an intention for good moral invention...
    And didn't we already lose this shit?
    Pain at the pump is just the fuse we've lit...
    Accused of writ...
    Tin... Language, Obscene and unclean-
    Teen anguish...
    We could flee shameless, but we're afraid to look weak-
    Is that pain on your face? Or am I mistook, Sheik?

    ......

    Guantanamo...
    We witness the domino effect-
    War, Revolting poor people swore to protect-
    I'm morbid and yet I still retain hope-
    As long as a Nazi will remain pope...
    And a dictator runs this "free" country...
    I see bluntly...
    We might as well try and save a fell Humpty...
    All the King's men couldn't put him together again-
    So Forever I spend...
    Blissfully, in Sicily missing the end...



    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298750
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302379

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  2. July 28th, 2006, 04:37 AM #2
    P. Mortuus
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    I liked this, the flow was good and i don't think the structure ruined it at all. The laguage was simplicit but allowed me t feel more intellect behind the words. The start was slow and got the reader ready for the main topic in here. The look on howguantanomo is like the nazi camps was quite good and how you used the humpty dumpty nursery rhyme was clever. Overalla good piece and interesting read..Stay up

    Also, check this piece and tell me your HONEST opinion.it'll be appreciated
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302883
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  3. July 28th, 2006, 04:49 AM #3
    Engivale
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    Thanks for the comments... We were, I believe, simultaneously posting our new OM's, and then reading eachother's and then commenting. Friggin' hilarious.

    But you're one of my favorites on here to read, so it's a good thing.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  4. July 28th, 2006, 05:04 AM #4
    P. Mortuus
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    Quote Originally Posted by Engivale
    Thanks for the comments... We were, I believe, simultaneously posting our new OM's, and then reading eachother's and then commenting. Friggin' hilarious.

    But you're one of my favorites on here to read, so it's a good thing.

    i know lol, but yeah i like reading all good oms and i preciate it when writers like you and bounce etc point out that i've started messing up in my writing i like that honesty though it takes me a while to understand it lol...Stay up
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  5. July 28th, 2006, 12:56 PM #5
    Jay Walker
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    this was cool man. at first i wasnt into the topic to much, but the flow of it all kept me reading. it was real easy to read. but then i started feeling in at that capitalist line. the second verse was dope minus the humpty dumpty part. i found that a little corny, but this piece was tight man. good messages throughout the entire thing.

    I'm morbid and yet I still retain hope-
    As long as a Nazi will remain pope...


    that shit was ill. nice piece man, i can honestly say this is the first OM i've read in probably a year that i liked. ( even though this is probably the first time i've came into the OM section in a year, which is only because everything in here has been really really really wack in the past. )
    You really think ur tough... come 'n try me man
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  6. July 28th, 2006, 11:48 PM #6
    Engivale
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    Thanks for the feedback ; uppin' for more ^^

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  7. July 28th, 2006, 11:59 PM #7
    Client
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    Word this was a really relevant and nice piece.

    I liked you're flow and how you spaced it out and everything. I followed really well and you stayed on point really well. I felt you're emotion and reall got into this piece because of that. You have a real good understanding of the world today and I like to see that. You're wording was very good, there weren't many places at all where you fucked up with wording, which is very good. Only thing I can say is try to incorporate more metaphores into your pieces. It does wonders. Other than that very nice piece dude.

    We witness the domino effect-
    War, Revolting poor people swore to protect-
    I'm morbid and yet I still retain hope-
    As long as a Nazi will remain pope...
    And a dictator runs this "free" country...

    Dope son

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    IJL
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  8. July 28th, 2006, 11:59 PM #8
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    If you have time hit this up man. Thanks

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303048

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    IJL
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  9. July 29th, 2006, 01:50 AM #9
    MC ENFIST
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    that was good i liked it uppin
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  10. July 29th, 2006, 06:18 AM #10
    Airplaya
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    pretty cool i liked it
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  11. July 29th, 2006, 06:23 AM #11
    Airplaya
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    pretty cool i liked it
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  12. July 30th, 2006, 02:44 PM #12
    Engivale
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    Thanks for feedback, except for the incredibly short feedbacks... LoL

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  13. July 30th, 2006, 08:14 PM #13
    Engivale
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    ^uppin for the last time... just wanted to give a few different ppl the opportunity to read it and critique/praise... Thx

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  14. August 1st, 2006, 02:51 PM #14
    Truth Iscariot
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    yo this was tight al around structure showed where the was breaks made it an easy read i like the lines

    from tin... Language, Obscene and unclean-
    Teen anguish...
    We could flee shameless, but we're afraid to look weak-
    Is that pain on your face? Or am I mistook, Sheik?

    ......

    Guantanamo...
    We witness the domino effect-
    War, Revolting poor people swore to protect-
    I'm morbid and yet I still retain hope-
    As long as a Nazi will remain pope...

    the best good drop

    AI

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