hand-me-down the river..

[Taz™]

sorry it tool so long....

anyways this is the first piece i read from you

the first that caught my eyes ...was the rhyme scheme .
it was very descriptive and had a good imagery to it
which gave me a very good visual , but i think at times too complex
.....maybe im just dumb , yet sick mulites

most times you have a sick flow! just nice

As that old bars clasp folders around the cold hard latch
her whole heart cracks..
.. shatters, as she screams, and both arms crash

She holds fast, but those old knees collapse in thier casket,
before she throws that last kiss in a feeble pass..
.. and pats her son along the river in his wicker basket

^ those were some parts that really flowed
nice word selection , just goes so well w/ the rhyme scheme

very nice read , had a wonderful time , !

[Moniker]

I felt this was a step up from your other two recent works 20mg and Final Flower. I'm enjoying this new direction you've been progressing in. Like Nique said, it seemed a few lines were either streched or too compact. Rhythm was nasty, and probably the best I've seen from any of your stuff to date. It created a type of pause-n-go that still held the flow steady. I didn't care for the ellipses you used so often but that's just personal opinion. I kind of assume Nahledge had some input on this cause at times it felt like you gleaned alot off his style and made it your own. Hands down the best retelling I've seen on the story of baby Moses though; fresh approach.