thankz uppin.
thankz uppin.
If actions speak louder than words I have nothing to prove.
the concept was iffy as in youre talking about cocaine then it takes a twist into a murder and a suicide...........there is lots of underlying storys/plots that could be developed alot more.
1. Love of cocaine
2. Love of his wife
3. The fight
4. The Murder
5. The justice
could be done in a collab like effort and if the right people do it, could be a really dope piece or if you went 10-12 lines on each part to connect the story that would be dope as well. The entire piece had a really good flow to it i thought, there werent many parts that didnt intertwine with others. basically it would be better if you put more thought or explanation into it to develop it.
this was a good peice. the topic was pretty creative. i thought it was interesting. excellent structure and flow throughout. good rhyme and choice was of words and vocab was pretty good. imagery was good here and there. overall this peice was good. could be better but good. keep writing.
the overall purpose aka concept was pretty basic, i mean you used a concept that normally runs the game itself, i can tell you just spit this jawn cuz the creativity was pretty average too, its obvious you have talent at this, but you did such a common concept it just seemed like another hip-hop story told by Young Jeezy or suthin like that...i just didnt feel the tone but the flow and rhythm used was good...but concepts should be special, and creative; such as dealing with a concept that the rap game ignores such as gender, color, or concepts of life that doesnt involve the same ol' street stories we hear everyday by fakes and reals alike...but you did say ya concepts were rusty, so i mean no hate.
YAMMIN HOES
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Word, very rusty lol, nah but f'real this was meh, but atleast you dropped fam, you made a nice attemp at imagery and emotion, but you had a few wholes in your plot and frequent wording problems through out this piece, vocab was alright, but the ending was so cliche fam it's rediculess and someone using a kilo of drugs by themselfs is unrealistic I mean my uncle and brother sell kilo's and thats too much even for 10 veteran fiends to snort, and all in all keep writting fam, and can you please leave feed on my links in my sig fam it'll be really appreciated.Originally Posted by evil king
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I really enjoyed the overall read of this piece. The ending was a well thought out and unexpected twist; very good job on the story my friend. The flow was straight, although I thought there may have been a few too many syllables in some of the lines (but i cannot take off points for that, due to variables such as the beat that you were rappin to, and how fast you may have intended it to be spit). The only thing i suggest is perhaps trying a different rhyme scheme (instead of simply AA,BB,etc). Keep on writin!
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i liked it...good imagery...lacked on complexity and multis....i liked tha amount of emotion put into it......it was short but still read well.......structure was good.....you could have used a little more complex vocab.....but i did like it....it had originality....al inall a solid piece..keep droppin and elevatin.~1`
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this was a good read. likeing the message brought out this piece.
feelin these lines..
shattered glass and a broken heart is what bullets left.
as he watched his wife drop.. and take her last breath.
over a fucking kilo, damn how he wish it was all fake..
but the gun powder's 2 real N the smell made em shake.
the game was hard but he never expected pain so quickly.
lost his wife over white,he loved her more than the high
.................................................. .............or did he?
Anxious to kill, now John takes off his bloodly clothes.
N' the amp he's gettin is also givin him a bloodly nose.
image you gave was very disturbing but thats some real shit.
nice.
Drugs is a crazy muthafucka, but overall it was a good keystyle,
simple lryics, but very impactful,
it was well put together and looks like u took ya time
i liked it and the twist at the end was nice
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