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Thread: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

  1. #1
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    "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    In Mr. Charlton's office,
    tobacco walled
    ocean ripples
    repeating in identical pattern.
    School awake,
    12.25pm, late for lunch
    A panel of hungry eyes
    Supersize desk with the sun
    submissive against the window
    box.


    Sir, I admit to 'alf
    the offence - i had on a white cotton shirt,
    buttoned up and tucked in

    ta' grey trousers, sir. What's so wrong
    in tha'? Grey trousers like the kind
    we wear on Sundays,

    the kind we travel in -
    dignified looking trousers, sir
    that i just ironed this mornin'.

    It ain' the black your rules
    tell us to wear - i know. But the material
    is weak

    it's always sportin' holes. I won't learn
    in rags, sir! My mother's raised me
    better than that.

    So i plead guilty to shame
    and good pride - splashin' cologne
    on me' chest each morning and

    never borin' my ears or growing
    me hair buzzed like them criminals today
    who sit eatin' their lunch

    to disturb peace once they've done.
    I notice i don't see them
    in disciplinary today, i guess

    bad men're never out of uniform;
    always wear the same dirty hood
    and cut up boots, provin'

    that they come from nowhere
    and answer to nobody. Sir,
    I plead guilty

    to a pair'a grey trousers
    and having a way that says
    a man should leave his house

    in clothes that don't tear,
    clothes he can wear proud
    as the daytime sun.

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  2. #2
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    wow thi swas WAY better than your previous verse man... this was more intouch and more in DETAIL with the title and storyline man... this was a nice read..i enjoyed

    In Mr. Charlton's office,
    tobacco walled
    ocean ripples
    repeating in identical pattern.
    School awake,
    12.25pm, late for lunch
    A panel of hungry eyes
    Supersize desk with the sun
    submissive against the window
    box.

    Sir, I admit to 'alf
    the offence - i had on a white cotton shirt,
    buttoned up and tucked in

    ta' grey trousers, sir. What's so wrong
    in tha'? Grey trousers like the kind
    we wear on Sundays,

    the kind we travel in -
    dignified looking trousers, sir
    that i just ironed this mornin'.
    love your execution of english old school type of writtens man...edgar allan poe style...lol.. you seemed to not force this time around and it came nicely well stringed.

    It ain' the black your rules
    tell us to wear - i know. But the material
    is weak

    it's always sportin' holes. I won't learn
    in rags, sir! My mother's raised me
    better than that.

    So i plead guilty to shame
    and good pride - splashin' cologne
    on me' chest each morning and

    never borin' my ears or growing
    me hair buzzed like them criminals today
    who sit eatin' their lunch

    to disturb peace once they've done.
    I notice i don't see them
    in disciplinary today, i guess
    like your wording nothing semeed WAY TOO FANCY...seemed mello wand clean man nice shit past im liking your work.


    overall this verse was a nice improvement in things from your first i mean the vocab wasnt AS COMPLEXED as the last in such short notice but it was a nice share and it went wella nd wasnt over done in anyway so it was a kind read sir and well put....nice drop man.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  3. #3
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    Hey thanks man, i appreciate the comments!

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  4. #4
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    no problem man i am a active muthafucka in the PS section
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  5. #5
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ve-335474.html
    ^^

    you can check that out for me please
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  6. #6
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    Bump

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  7. #7
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    this was definately a personal piece, plus obviously one in which i can relate to. Loved the pronunciation, speaking exactly how our peers would pronounce words... Although it didn't give the impression it was meant to be 'directly' humorous, it did have a very light hearted/playful mood to it through out... I think the reason it had a certain comedy factor was the over exaduration from the 'pleading guilty' theme, as if it was a crime. I must say i really do love your writing style... it reminds me of someone else's writing style, but i can't put my finger on it really... my only gripe with the piece itself is that i didn't really see the relivence of splitting the verses as much... at times it made it quite hard to follow... such as on the 'and cut up boots' part, the transition from the to the next verse kind of threw the smooth feel of to it... maybe you did that for a reason, which if so i'd appreciate you clarifying that if you will... this was actually a very easy/calm read... no particular emotion drawn, just a real smooth refreshing read... i read so much over dramatic pieces about things people havn't even been through or felt... so to read something froma writer that clearly has a flare for the arts, plus can convay a message without going over the top and making it sound forced and unralistic is a nice change man. so much props on that. usually i would not condone repitition as a good trate to use, yet that almost acted as a metaphor to say 'every days the same' kind of thing... and the contrast of people types you described was pretty much dead on... in a school there are so many different kinds of people... you have the 'hard nuts' 'the quiet kids' then the kids that just get on with it and dont complain... the persona you took on in this piece seemed to be quite a smart kid, who seems to have alot of pride in himself... yet very little pride for his school or respect. which made him a pretty funny character to choose. all in all this was a really decent piece. definately HoF... and that surprises me as you're new here... so be proud man.

    -Poeta.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  8. #8
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    Wow thanks man, i appreciate the comments!

    Upping for more feed please!

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  9. #9
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    Re: "On Being Accused About Uniform"

    Bump.

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