mistake

[Uben. Sonned]

**tires squelling to a stopand then 5 gun shots go off and the tires speed off**

oh god wat have i done ive made bad choices in my life but now this/
wat made want to wat i did watever it was it never prepare for this//
It started back in highschool a stupid freshman who diddnt know better/
kid who was nervous and always embarresed when the girl he liked came near him he came redder//
so he thought bout maybe hanging wit the "in" crowd/
but whenever he tried they would always laugh out loud//
he hung wit the lower students the outcasts the ones who werent cool/
got mixed up in everythin and people kept calling him a fool//
but he kept to hang wit his "friends" and he enjoyed the power he felt in the halls/
like that one time he took that kid to the bathroom and gave that kid a swirlie in da stalls//
his foster parents diddnt agree theyd alwas tell him to not hang wit them but how could ditch the people he now called his "fam"/
until one night they all went to the a bridge that was out of order and they all dared his friend to jump and she did and she died intstantly wit a loud slam//
confused as they were they started to shot toward the new kid the lil freshman who was scared jus decided to run/
cause after seein his best friend die he wasnt havin anymore fun//
the next time he saw his "fam" was a month later wantin to be a part of them again he said he try anything to be back/
so they got into a car which he thouhgt was jus a joy ride but when he got the gun he was told to shoot zac// his other friend which he had known since preschool he felt the pressure but couldnt commit to it/
but one of the other members decided that he was gonna do it//
**pop pop pop popopopop** and the tires squelled off in pool of blood lay his best friend he couldnt tell if it was him or the other person but wat he knew after that was that had to tell/
afraid of pain and sufferin in a place called hell//
he turned to them and said id rather rot in a cell/
looks like da kids where confused wonderin why he said that made one of them swell//
and ten years after the event he remembers it clear the main reason he waitin for life/
always think about your futer cause the girl that fell off the bridge he was gonna later propose to become his wife//

construcitve critism please

[Uben. Sonned]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=71498
thers my link i repilied to

[Uben. Sonned]

uppin 4 sum replies i took a long time to do this one

[prophiit]

the piece is straightfoward and honest not to mention EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL. on that note i'd give this a 9/10. now based on the way it was written, i'd have to say i wasn't feeling the way the words were put, there was no continuity and i was never sure if you were ryhmin' or not. so based on that i'd give the format a 4/10. the topic has been done before but it was nice with the emotion.all in all i'd give this a 5/10 keep working at it. 1

[Uben. Sonned]

Originally posted by prophiit
the piece is straightfoward and honest not to mention EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL. on that note i'd give this a 9/10. now based on the way it was written, i'd have to say i wasn't feeling the way the words were put, there was no continuity and i was never sure if you were ryhmin' or not. so based on that i'd give the format a 4/10. the topic has been done before but it was nice with the emotion.all in all i'd give this a 5/10 keep working at it. 1

yes its amazing sumone who took actuall time to give a great response thanks man i apreciate the reply with constructive critism its help alott thanks much respect to you and your poetry also

[Split-eyez]

wow amazing piece... felt the emotions in it. Felt like sometimes the scheme fell apart though, it was hard to keep the flow going at times.
Then again, the emotions was really felt and the topic was worked out very well.... keep elevating becuz this could be a dope piece.
Keep writing straight from the heart
Much respect.

[BADASSBITCH4LIFE]

This was a very emotional piece.I really liked it.It just goes to show how far ppl will go to fit in.Above all I give it a 7/10.If you get a chance can u check my piece out and gimmie sum feedbak plz.I really appreciate it.Keep uppin.~1~





PS CHECK UR PMS UR BOX IS TOO FULL

[Content]

this seems like it was all off the top,creative..
possibly real as well..and it wasnt supposed
to really flow for those who were only looking
for that..it was a spoken word type of story full
of emotion through and through...if this is real B
i feel for you homie....the parts where you have
and and can give you the hints for a spoken
word peice people...if its not your type of script
people you probaly wouldnt like it and your all
entitled to your opinions...as for mi opinion it kept
me interested because you could have taken the
story in many different directions which
brings forth more creativity.

nicely done

[Uben. Sonned]

thank u for the comments uppin still

[Uben. Sonned]

uppin

[Nicanda]

I agree with split-eyez, can't really say anything more.

Really liked it. Keep it up!

[Varentao]

I personally thought this piece was here and there.

The overall way you wrote it was quite interesting. Not much people try to write like that.

And at times you pulled it off. You got a fairly nice rythm going. But other times, it just felt devoid of substantialised emotions and imagery. That's what would make one think it was off the top of your head. You just wrote it down how it came out, in it's rawest.

But also really makes the reader question the reality of it too. I wont go into that though...

Overall, a nice approach, that wasn't really executed consistently well.

...resp...