lol, this is how i wrote when i first started to elevate....almost exactly like this
you have the rhyme schemes and vocab DOWN, but your flow is totally jacked up the lines are stretched as fuck in places and too short in others
also your concepts are a bit off, like the guy who did the funny breakdown on the first page said, some of this just doesnt make sense, you either used certain concepts in the wrong places or forced rhymes on lines where they dont belong
you also tried to combine the elements of a topical piece and a self hype piece, which can be dope as hell, but you gotta deliver....your a good step below that dopeness threshold
Shit you can do
-The single best way to improve your flow, is by doing something you learned in kindergarten. Count your syllables. I see that you may have done this a few times or else got lucky just writing the lines the way they sounded best. Anyways what i mean is that every line in your piece should be between 10-15 syllables. <10 is too short and >15 is too long, in fact i prefer to only use 11-14 syllabe lines....
a. Also you will improve your flow bar to bar by simply making both lines of a bar the same length (i.e. 12 syllables/12 syllables) or by keeping it consistent from bar to bar (12/14, and then 12/14 in the next bar)
hope that helps you in the future
-Build around concepts not rhymes:
Sometimes i like to write simple sentences illustrating my concepts, then go back and add complexity and depth and find rhymes that fit with the concept, dont predetermine what words to rhyme, then create the lines, know what youre gonna say, then rhyme the words....this will help make your concepts more coherent and make them appear more thought out and natural
-Have a central topic:
If its just a self hype, thats fine, but this wasnt. you tried to make this a self hype and topical simultaneously.
Either make your piece a story, or write your song about a specific thing, you want a simple central topic, but lyrics that give the audience a fresh take on the topic
Orrr, you CAN try to do what you did here. meshing self hype and topical. The best way you go about this is to rhyme in first person, but dont portray yourself as yourself.....if that doesnt make sense ,what i mean is......
you could write a piece in first person called "Big Brother" which describes what shitty things youre doing to people by controlling their lives and spying on them and killing them off......its a topical cuz its a conspiracy type piece about the evils of the government, and its self hype simply cuz you wrote it in first person, so it sounds like youre the badass.....
anyways i went wayyyy too long with this feed, and you prolly already know alotta the shit i told you.....lol you have potential, you look like me about a year ago
keep it real, stay up