jus a lil somthin looking for critque

[Dcept]

Yall know what i came to do
Demolish rappers
Make um table food
Go ahead take a shot
Best belive i tag um 2
Herd i got tht sicken flow
Somthin like the birdie flu
But alot of these kids wanna hate me(hate me)
Jus cuase there moma wanna raipe me (raipe me)
Sayin crazy shit like
"Dom wanna make a baby,get lil freaky,even call u sweety,ill get sleezy"
"COME ON NOW REELY"
smut what you tryin to prove
That the buthole require no lube
Just layin there wont expand my tube
TALK TO me dirty
Get a lil reckless
after ill promise a pearl neckless...

i wanna write more but critque all of top right now

[Prophet Margin]

Well, i can tell this is probably your first written.

For one thing, your concepts were all over the place. This sounds like a battle rap, except its really not cuz theres not even any punchlines. Try to pick a singular broad concept to write each piece about, and make sure your piece follows a plot appropriate to that topic.

For another, alot of your wording is off, which tells me your trying to force rhymes. "Make em table food" for instacne, really doesnt make sense at all, its easy to tell you were just trying to rhyme it with "came to do"

As far as rhyming,i didnt expect this to have a complex scheme, since your new to this. But, before you write each verse, try to come up with a preconcieved rhyme scheme that youre going to stick to the entire verse. This helps to create a sense of organization, and will also help your flow alot.....Also, you should learn what multis and internals are. Youve heard them if you listen to rap at all. a multi is rhyming more than one word at the end of a line....2,3, or as many as you want. Once you get the hang of it its not that hard, and makes your verses so much more impressive. Also if you can sneak some internals in (rhyming words that arent at the end of the lines)....they arent as noticable as multis but they still spice up your rhyme scheme, and kindof impress the reader/listener in a subconscious way. lol

Also this was i think 18 lines, but you basically broke your lines in half (at the beginiing only rhyming every other one)...so it was really only 9 lines (about). That is not nearly enough to create a solid piece of creative coherent writing. aim for atleast 16 FULL LENGTH lines; unless its a multi verse piece, but even dont ever go under 12 lines for a verse.

heres what i mean by splitting your lines in half, btw:
"Go ahead take a shot
Best belive i tag um 2
Herd i got tht sicken flow
Somthin like the birdie flu"

should look like

Go ahead take a shot, Best belive i tag um 2
Herd i got tht sicken flows,somthin like the birdie flu

Full length lines should be about 11 to 16 syllables (count them). any more or less and your flow will be jacked. also try to keep the syllable count of your lines consistent. either have all of them be say, 13 syllables (or as close as possible).....or make the first lines of each bar consistent with each other, and the 2nd lines of each bar consistent.
Like:

11 syllable line
14 syllable line
11 syllable line
14 syllable line

or

13 syllables
13 syllables
13 syllables
13 syllables

master those techniques, and youll never have a flow issue. ever

Lol,

hope this helps...keep writing man, youll elevate eventually.

[Dcept]

Thank you soooo much man i reely appreciate it dude

[Dcept]

any other advice tips anything tht could better me

[Prymal]

I can dig what you're going for, but a few times I got lost trying to make sense of what you were trying to say.

For example:

"Go ahead take a shot
Best belive i tag um 2"

At the same time, though, I liked your next line (the birdie flu one). Just, in the future, try to keep in mind how much more strength some slick multis and clever wordplay can add to your verses.

And be careful with your flow. From first glace I could already see one line that was way longer than the rest. Perhaps in your head it all flowed like water, but part of this piece seemed choppy to me.

Overall, just listen to Prophet Margin. Try to work on adding some complexity to your rhymes, along with some more metaphors and wordplay. I'd also say to get away from the battle rapping, for the most part, unless you're actually in a battle, because that just seems like a cliche to me, but then again your tastes are different than mine and your job as the writer is to express yourself, not me. But try to keep in mind how many more of life's intricacies and complexities you could paint into words with hip hop's brush.

Just my two cents.

[Witty]

Read the Rules

-Closed.