Friday the 13th

[Emily]

The heavens opened and thunder roared
The demonic sky begged for more
Too close lightening made him see
A beast that craved him fearlessly
A shock to the system as he ran past trees
A lash to the leg had him fall to his knees
The werewolf was howling, the fog was thick
Lucifer was playing a sick trick
As hot rain fell down, made it hard to see
He stumbled underground deliriously
‘Why me’ he thought, ‘Why me this way?’
Then a voice from nowhere screamed 'JUDGEMENT DAY'
His heart froze, his blood turned black
It started trickling down his back
The cuts were deep, the pain was sharp
Where the devils number had carved a mark
Then a stab to the neck and a jolt to the brain
Sent non-believer nearly insane
‘Hail Mary!’ he said, ‘Someone help me!’
Damn earth opened up and all he could see
Were the fires of hell in a pit of his sin
Where his psychomancy made love in a bin
‘Why me?’ He cried, ‘Why me this way? God save my soul today’

“THE BEST MOVE I’VE MADE, I COULD NOT RESIST
WAS TO MAKE YOU ALL THINK I DO NOT EXIST
MY STRENGTH WORKS SO WELL, AT TIMES FOR THE WEAK
LOOK LITTLE MAN, YOU’RE NOW MINE TO KEEP!
I’VE CAST A SPELL…DEMONOLOGY
I HAVE THE KEY ETERNALLY
YOU’LL BE SLAYED IN PURGATRY
MY FALLEN ANGEL, YOU AND ME
I AM THE ONE
I AM THE GOD
I AM THE FORCE
I AM THE POWER
IT’S A MERCY KILLING IN YOUR LAST HOUR
I AM THE MASTER
I AM THE MAN
I RULE DAMNATION ON THIS LAND.”

…and he had turned white, he had turned cold
A bottomless pit had seized his soul
Satan had bought it, swapped it for pain
And this man’s life will never be the same
War cries, bloodshed and mayhem in hell
Frenzied his ritualized killing spell
And as the weeks turned to months
And the months turned to years
Black fear in his eyes had sacrificed tears
Born again Devil that very night
He was born to the father of the red light
And while he worshipped the tombstones
He preached a sick prayer
To a world still yet unaware
He’s out there










143-http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?477953
Truth Iscariot -http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?477920-World-on-a-string-(a-love-poem)

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION Emilyinthepool,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.

[memoir]

this was damn nice Emily. what I loved most about the whole piece was the storytelling, I really enjoyed it, from start to end. the stanza in the middle it worth a mention.

I AM THE ONE
I AM THE GOD
I AM THE FORCE
I AM THE POWER

great stuff. the repetition here reinforced the whole piece. if I had to say something to help you elevate this piece, it would be add some great language to it...and by this I mean, instead of saying romance, use kinship and instead of night, use vesper or eventide. for me just little extra moments spent would make this read better (in my opinion) but what you have here is great and how you kept the rhyme scheme going was cool. props to you, you poetry head.



please return the favour
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...8-donna-louise

[Zen the Dude]

This was excellent, Emily. Comparing this to the piece I've read from you before I could notice massive improvements immediately. The first few lines were a great opening, it thrust us as readers directly into the scene and you used great descriptive language so nothing was missing. It felt like a movie, then there was The Usual Suspects reference so this automatically gets an A+ lol

If I had to find a negative in this piece I would say that sometimes the wording was a little off. The Lucifer playing a sick trick line was the main example of that, but beyond that this was great. Keep improving, Emily. I really enjoyed this. Peace.

[143]

Young Patowan,

Progression in the Force you grown...hmmmm...In the heart of words you sprout nicely...Ok i'm going to stop the Yoda thing....

You have leaped bounds with your storytelling. I like the set up and not letting obvious things tell the story but the hidden control the direction of it. Everyone knows that God show his might but never have I seen a poem that shows the devil doing the same thing. Not in a way that the victim is not battling with higher powers. I like the inability of the victim to battle back. brought out a pureness in the writing , not believing in Satanic aggressions but see the art in your writing. Your are really improving also in your contrasting of elements in your writing, letting them shine together but with each having its own separate light....Dope shit Em....

[Atti]

good job emily. you know, when i read your work i always appreciate the precision of the story you're telling. this was no different. intro, middle, conclusion and everything was well laid out. the parts i had a struggle enjoying with this was the wording and the structure.

‘Hail Mary!’ he said, ‘Someone help me!’
Damn earth opened up and all he could see

lines like this which are such pivotal points in the story get lost a bit by the strange wording. very slight changes could have been added to make the entire line run more fluently. also i've noticed you use a lot of thick rhyming in a fair amount of your pieces… i'm curious to see a piece where you're not held back by chasing that clean ending. i think with that freedom and your mind, you'd really take these concepts to the next level.

my favorite parts of the piece were in the conclusion. the images were just straight from the gutter. raw and brutal. exactly what the mood change in the piece called for. that type of literary awareness.. to know when, and what words to use in order to change the entire mood of a piece is something that is a great asset.

a good write overall. but there's definitely more potential there. looking forward to seeing you dig deeper.

[Ntalek.]

the buildup effect behind this piece was amazing...although i wasn't a fan of the rhyme scheme you made it work in your favor..your wording ws vivid...and imagery spot on...one thing i thought lacked was the emotion... based on your story telling throughout but it din't hinder the piece nor the message......sometimes simple and suttle is best displayed this way instead of using big words to impress the reader you kept it more so mellow..and got your point across...i also enjoyed the way you slid the twist in with the devil thing and all..kudos to you for that it came out of nowhere....all in all this was a decent piece and i can tell you're only at the beginning phases of your writing capability, just keep writing, reading, and try some new things...i see great potential in your works...good job