Sober Me/Older Me ft. Kuhn

[Jukon]

Driving reckless I'm tethered, to a past that's infected.
no going back..cause that's a tactic rejected.
tragic inception,
thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive,
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested,
take me back to when my lies were injected,
the calvary's congested, so I screamed and confessed it.
I've been sober too long, reminiscing of what's over and gone,
give me one hit..n I'll stop loathing the calm.
as of today;
my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall.
I stand too tall, hovering over what's right and what's wrong,
no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.


An infant; mentally, I'm still learning to walk
Sober is a notion I can't comprehend so I gawk
Criminally minded my pens burning the chalk
From the outlined murders of memoirs I can't finish; assault.
I know its my fault,
I'm responsible, but still I can't feel
Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real.
Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment.
I wear the mark of a user, there's no use in denying;
My work habits are deplorable, there's no need to keep trying.
Yet, somedays I wake up with the hope that I'll make it
Strip drugs from my life till I'm standing there naked.
I collect the half written poems, blow the dust off the mic
And record every last word till the sound is just right.
I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...483383-Process
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...?483538-Own-It

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION @Jukon,

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[Jukon]

To the sky

[Emily]

Jukon, really good job on this collab.
The pain breathes.
From the intro, we have your ‘infected past’.
Intelligence in few words.
Nice knowledge all through this verse.
Beautiful conviction.
Great ending.
I love your verse. It has a stack of honesty the reader hears.
If I had to fault something, it would be, end line…write, don’t text.
I wanted thru, to be through.
This verse is up there, top job.
I’ll quote, but I like it all.

“thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive,
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested,
take me back to when my lies were injected…”

It’s so good.

And my personal favourite…

“no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.”



Day-day, your style is true to you. Good flow.
Nice introduction. Straight to the point.
The second and forth lines threw me a bit, but I slid back into it and liked that different spin
on the flow.
It’s like I get a little let down if you’re not perfect lol. Hilarious.
I thought your words were great Day-day. Your end rhymes cool, and your sentences raw.
You delivered, leaving us with a feeling of constant craving.
I like it.
You show it all.

Top outro.
Nice lines…

“I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.”


You guy work really well together.
You definitely pulled this off.

This could be pretty close to the perfect collab.


Life imitating art.

[Spoken]

Driving reckless I'm tethered, to a past that's infected.
no going back..cause that's a tactic rejected. 

The intro eludes the pain briefly and focus of the intro was placed on the action u had placed. Driving away from something that has plagued rather than embraced and aspired really... tethered to me seemed a little eh... guess it's just me being brutal but wording has a way of throwing me as well but tethered seemed outweighed in the effect.

tragic inception, 
thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive, 
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested, 
take me back to when my lies were injected,
the calvary's congested, so I screamed and confessed it.
I've been sober too long, reminiscing of what's over and gone,
give me one hit..n I'll stop loathing the calm. 


Have to say beautiful string of a story being built yet still eloquent enough to detach from average and u created a realm we could feel and visualize yet the flow stayed crisp without losing momentum. Great string of wording here that I lay with mo conflict with.


as of today; 
my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall. 
I stand too tall, hovering over what's right and what's wrong,
no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.

Honestly the verse was building nicely after that stringent and nice stanza posted about but then when I reached the end of this It felt flat. Like no flare or bang. U were killing the content then just went basic with brutal inner that succumbed to the metaphor being somewhat bland.....


An infant; mentally, I'm still learning to walk
Sober is a notion I can't comprehend so I gawk


Ewwwwww u used the word gawk. That's honestly to me forcing the image and really just like u trying to rhyme with what comes to mind sorry to say...


Criminally minded my pens burning the chalk
From the outlined murders of memoirs I can't finish; assault.


Ok this consulted the ideal substance that jukon just wrote and u started with. U said u have an infant mind... now ur feeling criminal ish and derived from memories that daunt at ur incapability of comprehension or thought process? My brother sorry but so far I ain't liking.


I know its my fault, 
I'm responsible, but still I can't feel
Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real.
Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment.
I wear the mark of a user, there's no use in denying;
My work habits are deplorable, there's no need to keep trying.

Ok now that's better cleaner wording and thought out dicrion. U went simple and it works man... it really does. The imagery was raw and we could all relate in more ways than one and also express the concern u displayed. The diction was not superfluous at all and I felt it was just nit picked neatly.


Yet, somedays I wake up with the hope that I'll make it
Strip drugs from my life till I'm standing there naked.
I collect the half written poems, blow the dust off the mic
And record every last word till the sound is just right.
I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.

Better ending than jukons honestly lol. Anyways this was nice and flowed crisp stayed intact with the story and kept me interested and made me grin and feel inspired to fight the good fight and just feel .... good that a change was made. U made it real. Emotion was splendid.

Both did wonders and great but in the end as Asa collective collab I felt it was two different strums to the guitar here... intentional?? Idk but it's like a go figure but u both layer both ur personals on the line here to say the least. The emotion was nice and on point and the flow was crisp.. Some minor things I didn't like but that's personal preferance.

Great drop

@Jukon @YD

[Jukon]

Thanks @Emilyinthepool and @Mr.Write

[Ntalek.]

Driving reckless I'm tethered, to a past that's infected.
no going back..cause that's a tactic rejected.
tragic inception,
thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive,
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested,
take me back to when my lies were injected,
the calvary's congested, so I screamed and confessed it.

I really thought you opened this with vivid descriptions and emotions some good wording imo, the tongue line was nice prolly my favorite bar in this bolded bit...i felt like you described the using and wanting to use well and meshed them together like mash potatoes and corn (i know i aint the only one who does that) but yeah...this flowed beautifully and i really didn't see anything wrong with this bit..

I've been sober too long, reminiscing of what's over and gone,
give me one hit..n I'll stop loathing the calm.
as of today;
my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall.

again beautiful wording the stand up/fall line i felt fit perfectly in creating the image in my mind of an addict who trys to be what he isn't..kinda like a relapse stat of such...really dug the life is a song/rest in my palms part as well...like the addict was getting ready to relapse but was thinking about the troubles he's had and decided fuck it i'ma get high anyway type of feel...good shit right there

I stand too tall, hovering over what's right and what's wrong,
no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.

Nice way to end this verse the addict has finally gave way to his true being and acceptance of being an addict..is what i got out of that bit...overall very solid drop from you..but i kinda dont know who went where but i'm assuming that @Jukon went first...either way dope shit..(no pun intended)

An infant; mentally, I'm still learning to walk
Sober is a notion I can't comprehend so I gawk
Criminally minded my pens burning the chalk
From the outlined murders of memoirs I can't finish; assault.

this to me seemed kinda forced on the rhyme scheme aspect, "gawk" i mean really...name one time you've used that word while explaining something?..I really didn't think this was a great opener to further develop the consistency that was placed before you..not bad but not good either..kind mehish..

I know its my fault,
I'm responsible, but still I can't feel
Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real.
Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment.

Now this was alot better than your opener i could feel the emotion and it took me to back when i was a real heavy drinker and show up to work with my emotions on my sleeve..so good job on relatable content here...but i do also feel as though your flow is kinda basic just imo or maybe it's the way i'm reading it..but i enjoyed this part..

I wear the mark of a user, there's no use in denying;
My work habits are deplorable, there's no need to keep trying.
Yet, somedays I wake up with the hope that I'll make it
Strip drugs from my life till I'm standing there naked.

Okay getting better and better as i read along...i like how you kept the workplace theme going on..kinda like you're trying to do something at work and keep fucking it up cause you can only focus on your next high...but get off and think you dont want to do drugs anymore...taking drugs from you would basically recreate you in the form on nakedness because the drugs were the only thing that kept you going...idk if i'm interpreting this right but thats what i got as a reader so props...kudos

I collect the half written poems, blow the dust off the mic
And record every last word till the sound is just right.
I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.


Okay it got good..and i felt like you did this piece justice with the ending...your drop kinda had that wait until the next line/build up affect/effect i fuck those 2 up everytime..lol...all in all i didn't feel like your drop was as good or maybe just didn't have the enjoyment factor of the first verse..maybe it was the flow but you held your own content wise and made it more personable to the reader which is what i enjoyed..solid piece here my good fellas...together they meshed well and each one had it's own feel...so yeah..again props..

[trajik]

see guys, i told you'd i get here before yellowstone erupted.

Driving reckless I'm tethered, to a past that's infected.
no going back..cause that's a tactic rejected.
tragic inception,
thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive,
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested,
take me back to when my lies were injected,
the cavalry's congested, so I screamed and confessed it.
I've been sober too long, reminiscing of what's over and gone,
give me one hit..n I'll stop loathing the calm.
as of today;
my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall.
I stand too tall, hovering over what's right and what's wrong,
no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.


jukon this is a great verse. sad, but well done. your structure's a little weird for me, but you're more poetic so i get it, lol. great strength of rhyme scheme, may multis throughout the verse, contributing to the flow of it. nice use of vocabulary, showing some unique words in there. this was well descriptive and deep, forcing me to put myself in the shoes of the character of the verse, whether it's yourself or a fictional one. and this verse just makes me really grateful i only fuck with weed. but i'm glad it had a positive ending.




An infant; mentally, I'm still learning to walk
Sober is a notion I can't comprehend so I gawk
Criminally minded my pens burning the chalk
From the outlined murders of memoirs I can't finish; assault.
I know its my fault,
I'm responsible, but still I can't feel
Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real.
Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment.
I wear the mark of a user, there's no use in denying;
My work habits are deplorable, there's no need to keep trying.
Yet, somedays I wake up with the hope that I'll make it
Strip drugs from my life till I'm standing there naked.
I collect the half written poems, blow the dust off the mic
And record every last word till the sound is just right.
I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.

love that fucking opening line, kuhn. the diction in this verse is great, the only spot i find to be unsatisfactory is "so i gawk". i'm pretty sure the character in the verse is yourself, when i read this verse it reads as the person i understand you to be in real life lol. the first line i found hard to believe though was the closer. really? was this really the first verse you've ever written sober? this verse reads so set in your way yet so desolate yet so hopeful at the same time. i get a mix of emotion from it.


good collab guys, you blended real well together. you guys in the chat read as similar people anyways lol. this felt like a real honest piece.

i'm sorry i procrastinated on this feedback so long.

[143]

This is a dope collab. I love how you came with the cadence for your verse. I got the structure and actually could visualize it as an audio verse. The scheme was tight the flow was nice the essences of the topic I felt was great. I wanted more maybe 10 more lines from each but still with the brevity is shines hard. Now when you come in YD you have that knack to make simple word choices complex and effective. I mean that you could have laden this with a mess of supporting descriptive wording but you gave the mage to me raw but in pretty little slices. I love that about your work. Overall this collab was nice the one thing that I hold against it is that I wish it could be longer. That's it. Dope shit fellas

[Jukon]

@montauk ill take that feed now

[Venom]

I could be blind lol..but one thing that stood out early on is ...i'm not quite sure who's verse is who's so i wish ya'll would have done a better job at seperating them and indicating who is who.

Driving reckless I'm tethered, to a past that's infected.
no going back..cause that's a tactic rejected.
The rhyming mechanics are solid here bro. What i'm not sure how i feel on is...the opposite nature of talking about driving reckless which is very much "Untethered" and then talking about being attached via "tethered"..two totally opposite words in meaning. I'm not sure it was the best word choice to convey what you were trying to convey here

tragic inception,
thoughts intercepted- by a tongue that's sequestered,
highly receptive,
the addict creeps back to a mind that's regretted.
trying's detested,
take me back to when my lies were injected,
the calvary's congested, so I screamed and confessed it.
^This entire section is mechanically impressive to me. It's smooth. I have no qualms with it i just only have to say i enjoyed that portion greatly

I've been sober too long, reminiscing of what's over and gone,
give me one hit..n I'll stop loathing the calm.
I thought this ^ was poor wording..and overall just didn't flow as smoothely especially coming from a transition standpoint. Monor in the whole scheme of things though(pun intended)

as of today;
my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall.
Here is a good example of how the opposite word usage can work.
Some stand up-in order to fall...that was conceptually creative

I stand too tall, hovering over what's right and what's wrong,
no longer a fraud, I realize my souls been absolved,
wrong thru it all, I spring forward and crawl.
]Overall this verse had more going for it than it had anything hindering it. Nice job.
I will say i did think your closer could have been stronger. In my opinion the opener and closer should be two of the strongest points.
Anyways nice job man. Enjoyed the read.




An infant; mentally, I'm still learning to walk
Sober is a notion I can't comprehend so I gawk
Criminally minded my pens burning the chalk
This may boil down to preference but i wasn't a fan of this.
It's ok. Walk, Gawk, Chalk...just doesn't do it for me.

From the outlined murders of memoirs I can't finish; assault.
I know its my fault,
I'm responsible, but still I can't feel
Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real.
I hate to be negative man but from my point of view this just isn't on par with the first verse. "Crying while getting high's the only way pain is real"? It seems like one of those lines a person say's to give off an intellectual...perhaps wise vibe but actually isn't.


Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment.
I liked these two lines. I don't know if it was your intent but following up on the drug lines the first thing i thought of here was a tweaker...sores all over ...been up for days....and it all showing outwardly..idk my interpretation

I wear the mark of a user, there's no use in denying;
I'm not sure if the pun was intended but if it was i like it. "There's no USE in denying" lol

My work habits are deplorable, there's no need to keep trying.

Yet, somedays I wake up with the hope that I'll make it
Strip drugs from my life till I'm standing there naked.
Enjoyed

I collect the half written poems, blow the dust off the mic
And record every last word till the sound is just right.
This came off corny

I know of my addictions, we all know I can't cope
Without the taste of percocet on the back of my throat.
Good rhyming but we've done heard how much you can't cope in plenty of other lines. It's getting repeatitive now

But I'm willing to try, that is, if you're willing to listen,
Because this is the first thing that I've written
Without drugs in my system.

I like the closer here. I thought it presented what it needed too given the topic at hand of drugs. Nice job

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...483383-Process
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...?483538-Own-It

Overall no hate gentlmen. I enjoyed the drop. I'm only as critical as i am to help ya'll improve so take it for the constructiveness i intend it to be. Stay up and keep at it .
@Jukon

[Jukon]

I was first verse, yd was second. thanks for the feed @Venom

[Mimic]

Excellent collaboration!

I thoroughly enjoyed this. All the fundamentals seem to be present in this piece and you both stayed very well on topic.

First verse was elegant with the multi-rhyme scheme whilst staying to the point.

"my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall. "

^ This was excellent. Reversing the start with the finish and it's all true, too. I love the way you executed this along.

Second verse I would say falls off slightly from the first. This is why. I felt like the first verse was almost immaculate to the point it would be hard to compete with anyway but I feel like the second verse didn't have that "deep meaning" that the first verse did within the words used and similarity and/or even the complexity. However, I did still enjoy it very much.

"Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment."

^ This was nice. Once again, relate-able and very heart felt.

Overall, this was a nice collaboration guys.. loved the topic and I loved the formula you guys had within this. Just a few minor adjustments to be added to keep up to par with each other and that's pretty much it!

Keep it up!!

Please RTF on 'Heart before Strings': http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Before-Strings

- - - Updated - - -

Excellent collaboration!

I thoroughly enjoyed this. All the fundamentals seem to be present in this piece and you both stayed very well on topic.

First verse was elegant with the multi-rhyme scheme whilst staying to the point.

"my life is a song, never ending trouble rests on my palms,
reading stories of qualms, some stand up- in order to fall. "

^ This was excellent. Reversing the start with the finish and it's all true, too. I love the way you executed this along.

Second verse I would say falls off slightly from the first. This is why. I felt like the first verse was almost immaculate to the point it would be hard to compete with anyway but I feel like the second verse didn't have that "deep meaning" that the first verse did within the words used and similarity and/or even the complexity. However, I did still enjoy it very much.

"Only then do I understand the definition of disappointment,
So I let my sores blister publicly at my place of employment."

^ This was nice. Once again, relate-able and very heart felt.

Overall, this was a nice collaboration guys.. loved the topic and I loved the formula you guys had within this. Just a few minor adjustments to be added to keep up to par with each other and that's pretty much it!

Keep it up!!

Please RTF on 'Heart before Strings': http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?484774-Heart-Before-Strings