I've watched every single episode of Psyche, ok? KNOW THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!
And you've alerted my osmosis'd hyper-perception from watching the show, Dr. Iscariot, if that IS your real name...
I've just figured out your whole ruse! Aha!
See, how can (so-called) Dr Iscariot claim not to know this young man and then go on
to describe personality traits about him? And that's me playin "just the tip", my friends.
I've made a reference to how Cais avvy and TI's appear to be related earlier today...
this can only mean that they get their avatars from the same place, so I dug a little deeper into Cai's background..
In the early nineties Cais family made their living as permanent extras on the set of the classic, Bob Sagget hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos". It was a meager living, but it taught the young Cai two valuable lessons. One, hard work and dedication can take you anywhere. Two, the grandprize on AFHV is worth $10,000. Cai set out immediately to combine these lessons to winthe prize. He was successful after several attempts and in the final try, he lured an unsuspecting and unknown to him child into the classic trap of digging a hole and covering it up with leaves.
This decision would alter the fate of both boys for the rest of their lives. A chance meeting. A cash prize. Murder? No, but anyway..
Cai didn't know it then, but the unsuspecting victim of his get rich quick scheme was a man named Richard Henyass. Rich was on his way into the studio
where AFHV was filmed, as well as several other well known TV shows of that time; "Kids Are The Dumbest Things" "Who Wants To Bone My Mom" and the newest breakout hit "Mr. Kooper and The Klan" which was a spinoff of "Hanging with Mr Cooper" which rides off of the success of its parent show by placing the title character in the deep south amongst a revival of the Ku Klux Klan, except the Klansmen were all black and none of them knew of the others deception. 26 minutes a week of reverse-racism played to an average of 300mil viewers and broadcast in 48 countries.
Anyway, so Cais trap is set and Rich is headed on a collision course. The inevitable then happens. Rich springs the trap and, much to Cais delight, is reacting HILARIOUSLY. That ten thousand smackaroonies (yea, they call dollars 'buckaroonies' in the 90's) was in the bag. Soon he would free his family from the life of laugh tracks, ugly ppl on film and his father’s newly formed crack-cocaine addiction that he picked up recently after becoming curious watching "Mr. Kooper and The Klan".
But, fate would interfere, for this was NOT the path designed for neither Cai or Rich. Not only did Rich shatter both legs like wineglasses, suffer a severely hyper-extended knee and protrusion of the anus from the fall, but later that month, Cais video failed to win the grand prize, placing second and receiving only $2500. However, seeing the amount of pain and suffering he had caused to Rich, that he considered his options to help everybody win.
His first plan involved using the prize money to purchase a firearm to end Rich's misery. This he had seen done to a pit-bull puppy on an episode of "Mr. Kooper and The Klan" guest starring a young Michael Vick.
He dismissed this, as since he had drug Rich to the tool shed his family lived in until he could figure out what to do; and the shot would awaken his father who would issue a savage, crack starved beating to Cai, and definitely a slow-hump rape to the newcomer. He toyed with idea after idea until he decided to take elements from several of his faulty ideas he conjured, and combine them, making a somewhat decent storyline if this were an elementary school writing showcase. Good enough for Cai.
He executed his plan as such;
The first thing Cai would have to eliminate was his father. Crack money wasn't coming in like it once was and the beatings increased to a respectable 4-6 a day, however,in Cai's father's crack lack induced rage, he had begun to also slow-hump, full eye contact with open mouth kisses rape Cai. This had to be handled first. He took $100 of his prize money and approached a Puerto Rican man named "Martinez", whom was well known for his various criminal enterprises including drug sales, human trafficking and bootleg Jane Fonda workout cassettes, and purchased some crack cocaine from him. He then cut the crack with a roofie and robotussin cocktail he had been administering to himself to endure his dads ever increasing slow-hump rape sessions and the beatings, which had taken a backseat as of late to his dad's newest deviant hobby. He left this crack-cocaine-cocktail-concoction in the place the crack fairy left his usual delivery, with a little bow and thoughtful note. This problem was solved. His father smoked this magical mixture and fell into a coma like state. At that time, Cai learned his third lesson: revenge slow-hump rape. And he just little engine that could'd his dad until he just didn't think he can no more.
Second obstacle. His little sister could not come on this journey. The world outside the shed was no place for a little girl. So, after pondering this in between practicing lesson 3, he remembered Martinez saying that he send a young women to Mexico to work for his boss in the "skin game", whatever that was. It seemed perfect, a little vacation to Mexico, learn some job skills, get a tan.. AND Martinez's boss would give Cai a so-called "finder’s fee" of $100! Has a plan EVER came together so perfect before? Cai guessed that it had not, and waved as the windowless white van drove away to take his sister on her awesome vacation. And the driver must have been excited as well, because, boy he drove fast! This problem was solved.
The third, and primary objective was to deal with Rich, who's hair had grown out and started to resemble a Jew fro. His body had withered away to near nothing from the constant slow-hump rape and his never corrected broken legs.
Cai had some serious thinking to do, and in a dream, the solution came to him in a nightmare about his father slow-hump raping both him and Rich at the same time. The answer was clear. Cai and Rich were not so different and in this dream, the location of matching birthmarks was revealed to him. He awoke in a start and eased his way towards Rich to check for the birth mark prophesized in the PTSD dream. When he reached Rich's area behind the lawn mower and beside the crack fairy delivery zone, Rich instinctively turned on his stomach to make the inevitable slow-hump raping as quick as any slow-hump rape session could be. But, Cai soothed the young victim and caught a glimpse of the mark.
It was the same, as the prophecy described. Cais mark the shape of a backwards '3' and Richs, the shape of an elongated sideways 'U'.
Could it be that these two strangers could be connected at all? Distant family? .... Brothers in slow-hump rape? Or.. just plain old, regular long lost fraternal twins...
Of course, this made Cais heart grow three sizes bigger, and his erection then dwindled down threefold, as it was normally slow-hump rape time at the shed. From that day, Cai and Rich were connected and began to grow as only long lost fraternal twins can. Poorly as best. They lived the next few years living by the Rules of the Road", which Cai usually was tasked with because of Rich's still uncorrected broken legs. They survived until one morning, they awoke by a pond that they had set up camp at the night before. Upon sunrise, the sun's revealing light shone thru the darkness and gave Rich a glimpse at his future.
The suns light was now resting on the "Dr. J's Uncorrected Broken Leg Clinic and School of Medicine" that lie across the pond. Rich glanced back at Cai, who gave him a knowing and understanding nod, but kinda spiked with a weird feeling of lust for each other that only twins feel, and NEVER talk about.
"Goodbye, Cai. Keep workin on those haikus man, one day you will be the champion of an online league of over 8 participants.."
"Richa.." was all Cai got out before Rich interrupted with a gentle but firm single finger to the lips.
"Call me, Dick. And I will find you one day. I'm going to get my sealegs back, and attend this school and become a doctor. A real doctor, Cai!"
And in his excitement, he slithered into the pond, never to be heard from again...
Until now...
Dick Henyass graduated with honors from that school, earning the title of "Dr.".
But the Dr. part is all that remains now of Dick Henyass' former self. Searching for Cai he frantically searched every website about poetry, hoping to find his long lost, then found, and now long lost again fraternal twin-in-slow-hump rape.
This day marks a pretty important day for you, huh Cai? Or.. SHOULD I SAY CAI?!
And, Truth.. how about you? Do you feel the importance of this day in your previously abused loins? Of course you do..Dick Henyass!
Aha! TI's name never was Truth Iscariot! It was this..this..this Dick Henyass the whole time!
I should get a chunk of the remaining reward money from America's Funniest Home Videos for bringing you two back together!
And now, since you’re not legally related, there are several states who will let you be wed to each other!
Omg, you guys!
I'm the best detective ever. Fuck Batman.
Spoiler:
Originally Posted by Toobs
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