Gone.

[JEM.]

Where did it go?

I can’t find you!

Not when you’re pounding the cement and rivaling the sound of my wrist watch,

Listen, listen, she whispers…

Who is she?

I only have half a clue, because the other half is pitch dark,

But thank God for this eye-lid that closes, why isn’t it redundant?
Is it because half of me worries we are fucked; and the other half says fuck it?

Understand the dilemma? I have personalities that are bi-polar,
And my disorder revokes my ownership to one of the owners.
So if you ask me for a story? I would tell you which one…
And if you ever want to be ME? It’s only natural that I say pick one.

You have options… You could be a smart ass or just sans the smart.
But if I’m honest, piano is the wrong class and you would bang the drum.

Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with
And if you seek a joy ride? We can take the road to a different language.

So what’s your fix? Because she whispers and I listen,
While your heart is on the deck, and the tick tock of your heart is the banging drum,
And she is the jamming gun,

Just stay quiet and

Listen, listen,

I am anything you want me to be, diversity is my strength,
Anguish is my gift, released with all its sins.

Do me!

Don’t do me…

Fucked or fuck it…


I am this line,

Feel me as I feed you and...

Watch me vanish.

[Godwasheeeeeeeeeeeeere]

this shit was kind of dope man lol I mean it was a story that kind of brought me in. a bit weird at times but still dope

yeah i liked it lol

[Emily]

Where did it go? Are we talking inspiration?

I can’t find you! lol I like it.

Not when you’re pounding the cement and rivaling the sound of my wrist watch, The imagery is great.
I think everyone's got a good picture of this happening to them at one stage or another.

Listen, listen, she whispers… Do you think you could do with some apostrophes here? A little punctuation.

Who is she?

I only have half a clue, because the other half is pitch dark, Nice line.

But thank God for this eye-lid that closes, why isn’t it redundant?
Is it because half of me worries we are fucked; and the other half says fuck it?

Understand the dilemma? I have personalities that are bi-polar,
And my disorder revokes my ownership to one of the owners.
So if you ask me for a story? I would tell you which one…
And if you ever want to be ME? It’s only natural that I say pick one.

^^^ Very clever. Very clever use of words, especially that last line.

You have options… You could be a smart ass or just sans the smart.
But if I’m honest, piano is the wrong class and you would bang the drum. lol that's great.

Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with
And if you seek a joy ride? We can take the road to a different language.
You've got a great way with words. That rope line is awesome.

So what’s your fix? Because she whispers and I listen,
While your heart is on the deck, and the tick tock of your heart is the banging drum,
And she is the jamming gun,
Yeah, that's great. Simply beautiful.

Just stay quiet and

Listen, listen, These little floating stanzas are good. They make us conform to a certain pace, and break it all up,
reminding us to take a moment, breath and...listen.

I am anything you want me to be, diversity is my strength,
Anguish is my gift, released with all its sins.

Do me!

Don’t do me…

Fucked or fuck it…


I am this line,

Feel me as I feed you and...

Watch me vanish.

Wow. lol. I really liked that outro. Very different.

Ok, this is really interesting. The self-observations are a huge draw card, laying it all down in the open and having reflections
sitting on a surface for us to come along and zoom in on. You really are bouncing images, like light. The hot and cold of the disorder
was painted well.
I appreciated that outro.
'...I am this line,

Feel me as I feed you and...

Watch me vanish...'

lol, yep, that's a great way to land. On your feet and strong. But when you're talking about a disorder, and you're
saying things like 'I am this line, Feel me as I feed you ......' That just guts me to the core. That's very impressive writing.
In pc, this would go off. They'd love it. It's easily dropped in that area. Not that there should be much difference but the slight
difference would be that this is not full of multis, internals and rhythmic rap, but more a softer melodical flow with definite
poetic vibes and the obvious aesthetics that pc fall for. You've got great symbolism here, a lot of great wording imo,
and there's a certain elevated elegance that's sitting on oppositional phrases, like
...'Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with'...I find that beautifully creative.
In this mix of mind mayhem, you've managed to carry some grace, while at times being in an inky unilluminated cesspit of emotion.
And I think you carried it all off, wonderfully.

Great Read boston.


Thank you.

[JEM.]

Emily,

I started posting ... Mmm... Around 99... Lol, as I give fellow battlers material... I have had drinks with Mike (shadow) in person before... And that was the best breakdown of a composed offering I have ever seen. PM me.

- - - Updated - - -
@Emily

[thatdudeB]

This was nice. I felt engaged with this. I felt thought it was kinda different I guess, idk. Dope nonetheless. Like how you word stuff.

[BG513]

This was a nice drop. I' was engaged throughout. I'm still curious though, who is she?
Nevertheless, great story telling skills and ability to intrigue.
'A line that really caught my attention:

"Because I don’t aspire to inspire, but I could be your rope to hang with"

Good shit though thoroughly.

[Van Gogh]

I want to keep this short....but, this is not good writing...this is bad writing. The style you use is unique and should be continued...but your actual content is not doing well in this verse. There's many things to work on but one thing I'd focus on is learning how to properly slant-rhyme...some of these rhymes are farfetched..."redundant" "fuck it"....that one weakness turns me off of this verse, unfortunately.