I have a desire to disappear yet this place is trapped in my head, reachin' for a life that isn't here, but I can't understand that 'it's dead',
now, a fire depicted clear, seeing as your mad hatter 'directed'.. sayin' "You have to impress them", here I am. Standin' to battle defenseless...
seeing that If I get this act to perfection? I'll get to reflect the past with this passage forever,
and I want its nature to sound like crackling embers, under a blizzard in a blackened December,
that I'm gasping for breath, forcing my thoughts til they collapse into weapons when I might bash my own head in
in a ravaged dimension filled with madness & headless horsemen; giving just a quick look into what I 'have to' remember,
bearing witness to how I'm writing these damaged affections, with relentless hands on my tensions, hoping you won't see this as 'he's pretending'
because this time, I'll scribe my phantoms in venom, letting you read a poison sordidly haunting me that's left some pretty everlasting impressions...
when I think about it, in my mind it all stemmed from 'ill dragons' to torment', 'drug addicts' & boredom, to savagery born in-
what bedazzled a boy with psychosomatic confessions, finally making a habit of abstracting affections 'til all I'd have is just stressing..
it turned when acts of aggression worded into damaging lessons or never being happy...or laughing, whatever...
All I know is doing that helped soothe whatever made me mad, spastic or clever, that's only the half I remember.
What I did will always be here casting resentment, but I'll always stand proudly attending for the man we remember,
and, honestly, I'm not here after redemption, burying those hatchets I mentioned or even to ask for acceptance,
but for something that still hurts so bad that my head hurts, knowing I was unable to man up before the last time we talked,
because when it happened..the horrible news tore me in two and I messaged you, not knowing if you'd actually get it...
Man, I was caught between a dance-with-the-devil and not understanding 'it's mental',
wishing I would've listened not fumed, not being viciously rude as I relapsed to offend you...
I was high up and low down, what I typed up I own now, and I can't write 'til our past is truly ash in the wind,
this had to have kept me from ever overreacting again because I really can't ever imagine repeating back what I said.
Because Those fragmented daggers reflected so much so, it mirrors the past like it's present,
I'm faltered with self-hate, I tried to talk when it's late, but all it's done is shattered my presence,
baring teeth whenever I ask to forget it, but this time I won't stand back in contempt, with-
it always being re-received passive-aggressively as y'all echo these false 'facts' to contest it,
why won't any of you fucking ask me a question about what happened? I never had that intention,
so why does Everyone still assume I attacked with a death wish.. as if I actually meant it...(I didn't, man.)
If I could have taken back what I said and hadn't projected? I would, but I felt betrayed, attacked & offended,
feeling lost in havoc unending, that was the last moment I had as a member then, after that I was banished 'forever',
because at a time it had mattered, I regretfully said something to 'Only One' who was fighting disaster,
and everyone saw it as trying, trying to push him toward finding the latter, I swear it was an untimely reaction...
Before it finally happened.
Resolution
but ayo, let us look past it like past tense! I grew up with the bastad'! So, truly, what does it matter to you?
None of you actually knew.. and personally, this is my chance to speak to unravel the truths!
he was the dastardly gucc' mane, so ratchet for loose change he'd rob a bank just for raggin' ontwo chains !!! (haha)
but, whatever I can offer in 'text' I'll offer again to honor my friend, even way after it's due date! My pen's at it for you J!
listen, these forums accepted us, it was more than just text to us, we crafted this world to comfort our madness,
we built it so high that when nothin' attacked us we'd only notice we were being dumb kids dying of laughter,
we'd be spittin' rhymes in our castles, having fights just for practice, tryin' to make each other violent or mad with
honesty and honestly, we were having the best time being asses, and here's the one time i'll recant this:
when the time was silently passing when we were either trying new antics, kickin' back with writing, or banter,
Those nights would just capture (us), our real lives didn't matter, we built our fires up rappin' trying for magic,
and when our 'real life' mixed right in our pattern, we'd push to keep our heads high with eyes on new chapters,
with sights on new chatter, resuming a never-ending night as if at the end of the day, as if time would come after,
...Yo homie, for real tho, I hope you're happy now, I'm sorry to see you go but this is my final farewell, goodbye,
you were always fun to have around, don't worry tho fams... I'll hold the torch, you just focus on the happily ever after now...
This was the most derailing thought I held back, but now, That’s all ‘Bruz!
-love, C.