Song idea

[Mizzillicit]

This is a song im kinda working on. It's kinda like a storyline with different voice inputs. I just want some feed back good bad or indifferent. Holla atcha girl.

(Operator‘s Voice)
911, What's your emergency....
(Mizz Illicit)
this may take a while but it’s still urgent see, /
I’ve been battered,
family been bruised,
may have seen a few of us on the 10 o’ clock news...../
(Operator‘s Voice)
This Is an emergency hotline so here is a plan,
If the crime is past tense call the police ma’am./
(Mizz Illicit)
Then the operator hung up the phone, damn the fucks goin on.
In a world full of people sometimes you still feel all alone/
The enemy is said to serve and protect,
but in this story the police is the protagonist /
Only reason pigs take up the position
is to control you, when not even to they’re own system do they listen /
You think tax dollars and tolls is there only pension
confiscated drugs and weapons I guess are left unmentioned/
My family I talked about in the introduction of the song
are all the victims on the news, you see being busted because they've done wrong/
but when it comes down to common knowledge and facts
The innocent are exploited and asked to put they’re hands behind they’re back/
Yeah mother fuckers this is an emergency
You want are kids to grow up and think this is how its suppose to be ?/
I may smoke but I aint a criminal/
I carry in my pocket a ounce of dro yeah its minimal/
Police on my tail for listen to hip hop to loud when its sunny,
Cause I’m in a Royse the tros know im making money,
so they pull me over cause the mixture of hip hop an class means something must be funny/
They pull me over, then out the ride,
thorough check on the inside/
(Cop’s Voice)
Assume the position!
Bitch now you better listen/
(Mizz Illicit)
A fake to the right,
run high speed,
Fuck.... I can’t swallow all this weed/
I figure an ounce isn’t enough to get beat
so I stop dead in my tracks, throw the trees to my feet/
Put my hands up, spread my legs,
Pigs acting hammy so I get beat and sprayed/
These mark ass bitches being hostile now aiming the mortar
Damn 5-O breaking us down like arcade machines that say out of order/
Now I know the real reason they say it’s Hot In florida
They talking about the blocks blockade with cops/
When there using confiscated rock
to kick back in socks/
Inside the back seat where my windows were knocked/
Placed a new stash
and some other hustlers crack and cash/
now they framing me
Blaming me saying I’m who they were after/
Being sentenced with 15 years,
look outside the cop car door,
look up to see my pastor/
Shaking his head cause where Im headed is pathetic,
Now I’m just a scenario Of a hip hop rock selling bastard/

So what do you think??

[Djverb]

nice story telling man, need to elevate as far as rhyming, and you could use more multies and internals, keep writing man

[MOLOTV]

DA WORD PLAY WAZ NICE,BUT FROM WHAT U SHOWN U CAN DO BETTA,I LIKE DA STORY LINE 2 IT,N HOW U PAINTED A PICTUREU DESCRIBED DA SCENE N SHITUATION NICE,HOTT SHIT MA,STAY AT IT

[Ghetto_Samurai]

i'm feelin u ma just spit ten bars in da crew thread called U.N.O. I'll help u get in we need more females
U can only get better ~1~