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Thread: SS: Lost Cause

  1. #1
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    SS: Lost Cause

    For everyday someone, will have two choices to make,
    Evil or good is summoned, that's when the inner voices start to break,
    They pause, and see what is the situation on their cause,
    And even if it's good or bad the fact is it may be lost,

    The Good Heart...
    He dropped out of school, being the top student in his class,
    Considered a complete fool, by the whole student body mass,
    But they didn't understand, Jamal didn't have a choice,
    No matter how many scholarships he'd receive, it didn't end his little brothers voice,
    The food stamps wouldn't help, to end his little brothers squeeky yelp,
    His mother wasn't meant to have children, it should have stayed that way,
    'Cause now Jamal's only option was to hustle, so in himself he had to stay away,
    But he couldn't sit back and let his brother go through the same process,
    It was nonsense, someone in this family had to make progress,
    So he made it his porogative, to let his brother and himself live,
    Through the good and bad, somewhere along the way it had to give,
    So now he was making a good living, his $500 a night job at the corner,
    Though his fear would boarder, jailtime or a trip with the coroner...

    The Bad Heart...
    Sgt. Harry O'Conner, was the officer to take the bribes on the beat,
    Considered one of the deparments elite, since his wrong doings were handled with discreet,
    Head of the fleet, these bad cops in the bad neighborhoods,
    Stealing drugs from the street dealer's and selling them as Jamal would,
    See it's just how things went around in this lifestyle,
    If you had the intelligents to go with it, you could make your life worth-while,
    Sgt. O'Conner, was one of the group to milk it for what it was worth,
    They were the one's to have designers cover their bellies gurth,
    He also had his little connects with the Irish Mob,
    So now he couldn't be stopped, helping the city to get robbed,
    If you could find a man with moral issues, O'Conner was the man,
    Though he was acctually soft like tissue, falls out of your hand like sand,
    But he kept this a secret, none were to find out, a stout little guy,
    Who would be just acting out now...

    The Mixing...
    One day Jamal was doing the usual on the block,
    Sgt. Harry O'Conner had left from getting his equipment out of the stock,
    So as he walks his beat, he notice's a face he had never seen,
    A newcomer to the street, that's when he saw the baggies gleam,
    Looked like O'Conner found another loophole in the seam,
    Jamal looks to his left, he see's O'Conner approaching on him fast,
    So he dashes up the street, and another one of Harry's dirtboy's pass,
    Jamal bounces to the right with some distance on Sgt. Harry,
    He had heard about cops like this, he needed to hide or this would be a little hairy,
    Suddenly he looks to his back, and in the air is Officer Tiyak,
    Shit, now Jamals on the ground, Harry comes up and finds the sack,
    Jamal's busted with 15 little rocks of crack, No!!..he can't do it, he decided to act,
    He tries to attack Officer Tiyak, Harry being the scared man hes is,
    Shoots Jamal, he's 16 he realizes, this is just a kid,
    Knowing this he knows he in for an out of policy shooting,
    So Harry brings him to an ally and commits an executing,
    He takes a knife he'd found on Jamal, in his pocket,
    And he makes a scar on himself, from chin to his eyesocket,
    Tiyak, feels the remorse,but knows that nothing is to be said,
    So they both call and ambulance, saying that he should be dead,
    Now infront of the committee, the story is heard through with enlarged flaws,
    Showing that Jamal and Sgt. Harry were both victims of a lost cause...

    So now I have enlightened you, about lost causes in degrees,
    Be it for a good reason, or just your plain old greed,
    Everyone starts out, in hope for a better of something,
    But they end up with less than they had, close to nothing...
    WordPerfect

  2. #2
    Razer
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    Pretty Cool....Could of used more imaginative rhymes but some nice shit there.

  3. #3
    Woooooooooooooooo! Provoke's Avatar
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    ^ Shut up.
    Great story-telling..
    Nice flow, inners worked well.
    In contradiction to that other kids post,
    Above average imagery & creativity man..nice, nice.
    I'll come back later to break this down completely.
    ..Up..


    Witty Unpredicatable Talent And Natural Game


    My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and there like "Do you wanna trade cards?" Damn Right lets trade some cards, I'll trade you, but not my charizard.

    <img src="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=11608&stc=1">

  4. #4
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    cool!!!!..I'm suprised people would read it..most people don't like the long stuff..
    WordPerfect

  5. #5
    ... Chrit.'s Avatar
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    Awards Cypher Winner - Award Request Accepted LLL HOF OM HOF SS HW Champion LLL Champion 1-2 Season Champion 1-2 Punch HW Champion FL Champion 100+ Wins ABL Champion
    Hmm....
    The apporach is getting old.... the different perspective style.
    But you did well, good imagery, emotion, etc.

    Flow stayed pretty consistent throughout.

    Just continue to find new ways to flip your strucure.... dont get boxed in at one style
    AI

  6. #6
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    ..Hmm..story telling at it's finest..your imagery was awesome..and it flowed very well through out the whole piece..I normally lose interest in a long dreadful piece..but..this was nothing but..this was a Great piece of work...(N.O.G's..we taking over..)

  7. #7
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    Cool..thank you..N.O.G's what???? We're taking over..straight thugs..
    WordPerfect

  8. #8
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    ok..the long stuff always get slept on..no respect these days..
    WordPerfect

  9. #9
    Kronix
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    Yeah yeah must agree with Penskills some of the long keystyles can get pretty boring or drawn out but you pretty much kept it suspenseful the whole time, good job on giving the reader an idea of these peoples lives, all the while keeping a nice flow and good wordplay...pretty much agreein with everyone here tonite lol but try an find ways to flip up your structure. Overall 8/10

  10. #10
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    Dope..appreciate it..
    WordPerfect

  11. #11
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    Okay this is one of the most awsome pieces I've read today... it was so complex yet you kept me reading. I loved the introduction of the two characters, and how they connect at the end. I also enjoyed the dramatic ending, those are the best! Good job

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