Never Give Up! - (My 1st storytellin piece)

[YJ]

replied to:
Feeble Minded - bullied
formula & lyric -Love, hate

i know the structure may be off

(Verse 1)
now listen up kid, I'm a take you down memory lane on a journey
during the same time I was a comdian plus a Mac like BERNIE
I'm a tell you what I know n what I witnessed fuck your attorney
nigga I rap about wat I see, I'm not a thug life wanna be
I spit the truth or a story, I'm a deep and talented emcee
he rapped about projects when he never lived tha life as a ghetto child
his rhymes were dangerously horrible, he bit, his lyrics would run wild
and he thought he was makin some hits but silk would still shock him
if BOW WOW was playin hardball, out of the park he'd knock him
first he was bumpin Cash money tha Hotboyz as he started
but he never took the knowledge with him as he departed
he under went a rebirth, he came back wit some techniques
havin potential, he came from hell to earth to come speak
he emerged from the weak, his style is unique
and someday he'll rhyme til he reaches the peek
of his career, as he raps now a woman is what he seeks
includin the fame & fortune but people told him to quit
and when I fell I neva gave up I continued to spit
never give up!

(Verse 2)
she could draw people like 2pac and Big L
and she told me about her journey from hell
she kept her past deep within herself somewhere below
her father abused her cuz he thought she was a hoe
but she was a virgin but lost it as she got a bit older
she needs someone to comfort her & someone to hold her
I told her if she stops drawin never again will I rhyme
now she be fuckin her x boyfriends when she has some free time
during break when she comes to visit family in Maryland
shes running around NYU and MD without a man
when was the last time you had sex? she replied "recently"
her body is bangin, its way above decently
she got a face but I like her personality, skin deep
and she manages to make good grades with 6 hours of sleep
she even said she'd throw a few bills at me if I'm cheap
she said we can chill once I hit that big one eight
hopefully I can chill with her before 18 when shes in state
chilling instead of visiting the fam or fucking
keep ya head up babygurl & don't be duckin
multi-talented, don't let your past get the best of you
I will keep rappin, you keep drawin never give up boo
never give up!

[YJ]

come on yall!

[MuhThugga]

"if BOW WOW was playin hardball, out of the park he'd knock him"

"when was the last time you had sex? she replied 'recently'
her body is bangin, its way above decently"

You are forcing your rhymes.

This is probably one of the worst things you can do is force your rhymes. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice.

I assume the message was about not giving up on your dreams. However, I didn't see this so much as a story. It didn't really unfold, it just kind of detailed two different people, and not that well.

"during the same time I was a comdian plus a Mac like BERNIE"
Puns and the sort such as that make people groan because they aren't clever.

[YJ]

o ok thanks 4 da feedback

[Vis]

you forced your rhymes...
and it seeme'd you had alot of filler's, becuz you couldnt rhyme with this and that..
like "bernie,journey".. you just added that to make it rhyme
try and think of something else, to use, to make it sound better, and make sense..
keep elevating...

Since I replied to your piece.
Please return the favor - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1261260