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Thread: Cold Shower, Old Shadow

  1. #1
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Cold Shower, Old Shadow

    the clouded window casts shadows of the past to eternity
    ...pale rays softly glow on the tiles
    i stand damp, staring at the floor, all i wear is what burdens me
    twisted in it's conception, across my face comes slow is a smile

    the clouded window casts my shadow, tiles mirror a former self
    cold drops of water cascade intermittently down my heaving chest
    shivering as i glare at the darkness before me, heart unable to warrant health
    my past has rotted my mind, died in a shadow despite my misleading breath

    the clouded window casts a pale arrow direct at my pale shadow, reverently
    my frigid flesh, clammy, blood melts with water, it leads from the bath
    a search for life in this old shadow, a shiver raised from the memories
    gorwn through this clouded window my shadow casts the seed of the past

    i fall, drunk from fear, to my knees...a crimson pool trickles the tiles
    taking delight, my shadow kneels with me, immersed in my soul
    my battle complete, my defeat shown in my smile
    the pale sun glows on my back and a hole burns through the cold

    my heaving chest slows, breaths dawn in agony, blood collapses my lungs
    my frigid flame flickers out, all thats represented is pain
    a cold drop falls from the shower head, claimed victim the struggle is done
    a shadow stands, cast through a clouded window...all that remains

    1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! kwik_trigger's Avatar
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    good job... the imagery was good.

    "twisted in it's conception, across my face comes slow is a smile"
    "my battle complete, my defeat shown in my smile"

    i like how you are in pain the whole time but you still have a smile. its really effective... i liked this piece... keep em comin
    "Darkness can not drive out darkness;
    only light can do that.
    Hate can not drive out hate;
    only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr

  3. #3
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    DNF this was a good piece I like all the description in this it drew a great image and I could just picture everything as it was going on, nice work keep writing.

  4. #4
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    You shithead. We were supposed to collab on this!!!
    can I kick it?

  5. #5
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ^ i send you THREE Pm's...i figured you were mad @ me...i have a new topic though, get at me over aim, and thanks for the feedback, say it with me now...elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  6. #6
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    This was really nice. It remindes me of a piece by Dagirl that I nominated for legends a while back. Obviously, imagery is the focal point. It was a good read. Keep doing you, homie.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  7. #7
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ^Thanks Wicked, i appreciate the feed, especially from someone i hold in as high acclaim as you, elevation is key...1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  8. #8
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    This is very good Franklin...

    your imagery is very vivid and poweful. Your syntax is very effectual, and your diction was very appropriate. Your meter may waver some, but it's really difficult to tell when the pace and intended flow is so slow. I really enjoyed the slow pace however, and it added to the power of the emotion. You give the reader a chance to really absorb your words and allow the masterpiece to be slowly painted in the mind. Many people just do quick caricatures that look cool, but commercial. This is a unique, carefully planned, and constructed piece of literature. Good job Franklin; this piece exhibits our crew's poetic talent very well.

    excellent...of course i could find flaws, but those flaws would only be found by trying to make your poem fit into some sort of cookie cutter....

    we don't do cookie cutter poetry...

    stay up my brother from another mother, pimp, dopenizzle fa shizzle, nigga fa rizzle...lol

    keep writing...
    Last edited by Sublime D; January 24th, 2005 at 12:07 AM
    Bittersweet

  9. #9
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ^Your opinion is always appreciated my brother from another planet...elevation is key, 1luv.
    Last edited by Prince Escobar; January 24th, 2005 at 12:38 AM
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  10. #10
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Good job D. an intriguing title, probobly one of the most interesting i've seen lately. i liked the concept and how you presented it. and as wicked said the imagery was the best aspect. my only critique or advice would be to watch your syllable count (lyric would probobly agree with me) It was a good read, just seemed off on a few lines. but other than that this piece was very well done and i enjoyed reading it; a unique and different approach to an everday type situation. hadn't remembered seeing anything from you in awhile, so keep it up man.

    -Mind.
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  11. #11
    this buds for you Thrust's Avatar
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    this really hit my g-spot.......my poetic g-spot that is. well, i'd have to say this was one of the more interesting pieces i've read in a while. you always come good, but i'm liking this one in particular. the imagry was vivid and so well written for the most part throughout. i liked your style/approach to this topic. it was a cool read. i think your piece was the strongest for the 2nd to last stanza. that stanza stood out just a bit more from the rest, it just was really solid. and so was the rest of your verse. i loved the imagry. keep it up.

    i'd like to talk to you over aim/msn sometime, leave me your adress(s) if you've got either.

  12. #12
    .verity.
    Guest
    interesting, i liked the concept. I also enjoyed your figure of speech it gave an effect to this peice which set the entire tone. somthing about the words and expression you used just seemed so metiphorical... I feel there was so much imagery expressed throughout this peice, some of your words just seem to form pictures in my mind. I really like how the storyline and the way you expressed things gave a kind of slow sad yet imaginable feeling. overall i really enjoyed reading this peice...
    neway, keep droppin str8 heat...

    Peace...

  13. #13
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    ^Thanks both of you for the love you've shown, my aim is TheeGodMC, holla @ me Kerr, till the next response...elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  14. #14
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    uppin one more time...elevation is key, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  15. #15
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    This was hot...i really liked your imagery, the way you put your words intrigued me, overall it just seemed like this piece was created with great attention paid to detail...dope poem from a dope poet
    -Fiasco
    Po'Ethics.

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