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Thread: A Girl Who Cant Breathe:

  1. #1
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    A Girl Who Cant Breathe:

    Here we go...




    She's living a dream, trapped with her visions unseen
    needs going unfulfilled, never stopping to see the beauty of things
    the scrutiny beams and lifes harshness, takes its toll
    the days are cold, but who understands most? only her 8 year old
    as fate would hold, help was never an option of sorts
    because raising a seed when you're one as well, is an opstical course
    adpotion..the courts, would only assist in this manner
    but she's lived with no parents and couldnt see giving up hannah
    to top that, was the fact, that she'd contracted something
    mixing the lack of loving, with careless thrusting..
    was gonna keep her heart from pumping.
    this would dissolve for nothing, precious time was wasting
    but w/o a mind of patience, she was rigged to machines like a dying patient
    when in reality, she didnt have to take this route
    she'd scream and shout, when all she had to do was pray and wait this out
    a vacant house, is all she thought of....she was taken there
    raped in the chair, bruised bad and left with a gaping stare
    her fate wasnt rare, this is often the worlds casted reflection
    and what a massive lesson, that she'd now never have progression
    if she had protection, maybe it wouldnt pan out this way
    hannah just looks at her mother
    so many thoughts, but she just doesnt know how to say
    I love you maybe? but whats crazy,
    is the sickness leaves her hair in a bag
    her face is flushed, red, white and blue like the american flag
    You may ask, where is her dad?, sadly enough he wasnt around
    he was the man who raped her mother and quietly fled town
    the steady sound, no longer squiggly lines flash in her face
    cuz hannah cant breathe and faints, the second her mother passes away



    .Dohpe.

    .Been There-Sonned Cats.

  2. #2
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    Nice verse I'm deon. It was a good story and I was feeling it for the most part. I thought that everything was worded nicely and the details were strong and so was the imagery. Keep drop[ping.

  3. #3
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    i liked this piece, good concept,tight imagery,flowed smooth, everything seem to fall together in this piece so it sounded real.keep droppin tha hottness.~1`


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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! adonai's Avatar
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    I enjoyed reading this OM. the storyline was effective, and I liked the imagery and emotive language a lot. especially Lines like..
    her face is flushed, red, white and blue like the american flag
    The rhymescheme was good as wel. Just the first 4 lines started off rhyming well and I thought that was good. The only thing I could see that was wrong was the flow was a bit hard to follow. I don't belive pieces in text form can necessarily flow, but...

    her fate wasnt rare, this is often the worlds casted reflection
    and what a massive lesson, that she'd now never have progression
    if she had protection, maybe it wouldnt pan out this way
    hannah just looks at her mother
    so many thoughts, but she just doesnt know how to say
    I love you maybe? but whats crazy,
    is the sickness leaves her hair in a bag
    her face is flushed, red, white and blue like the american flag
    ^ I can't imagine this part flowng to a beat.

    Apart from that, it was a very good piece.

  5. #5
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    ^ i have it structured for text, but it flows when i rap it.
    maybe when i cop this mic 2maro i'll do it, its more spoken word anyways.



    .Dohpe.

    .Been There-Sonned Cats.

  6. #6
    Will Merk You
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    She's living a dream, trapped with her visions unseen
    needs going unfulfilled, never stopping to see the beauty of things
    the scrutiny beams and lifes harshness, takes its toll
    the days are cold, but who understands most? only her 8 year old
    as fate would hold, help was never an option of sorts
    because raising a seed when you're one as well, is an opstical course
    ^^strong opening, nice intro to the verse..>>>>

    this would dissolve for nothing, precious time was wasting
    but w/o a mind of patience, she was rigged to machines like a dying patient
    when in reality, she didnt have to take this route
    she'd scream and shout, when all she had to do was pray and wait this out
    decent storytelling>>>>


    had ups n downs.. some parts more interesting than others, but it was a good storytelling piece.. some nice imagery and a steady flow.. keep it up
    Good Luck. You're Gonna Need It.

  7. #7
    Banned
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    You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

  8. #8

  9. #9
    The True Psycho of RB
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    This was nice, the structure was good, you had some above average vocab.
    Your flow was dope in the first few bars then it slipped then you brought it back again.
    It was a deep short story with a neat little twist at the end.

    Return the favour.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170524

  10. #10
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    thnx4dafeed



    .Dohpe.

    .Been There-Sonned Cats.

  11. #11
    Newbie
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    the structure was good the flow was nice

  12. #12
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    uhmm thnx i guess upppp



    .Dohpe.

    .Been There-Sonned Cats.

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