first freestyle

[seven2]

intro:hey yo if you are never fucked by the distan,never fucked by your friends,your family....check it out motherfucker,shut up and listen.

i am with u maybe, don't mess with me, cuz i'm depressed,fucked(haaaaaaaa)shut up bitch i'm talkin',rhymin'....i am solo or you make me sorrow,you are not like
me,you don't understand me ,don't get me,i am not as bad as you thought or am i a game that you bought,i am just a man livin',eatin',workin',if u look at me ,u should before have see,
is it me,the motherfucker who wait for a see,friends trickin',family deceivin',no man! i still here cuz i am the new,seven2,with u,i hate you,i swear the god i hate you,when i said get
out,you said i can't i'm scared,i said get out bitch,let go on my head,i'm not like him,the little slim,hating mother,it doesn't matter, but i love u mother and i hate the bitch that i knew
cuz it is not like you,i hated this word so fuck it and fuck her too,i don't know what i am doin'with my tricker friends but they want me dead,sleepin' in my bed,leave me alone sons of gadem,i'll kill'em cuz i am wherever you say i am,when i wrote it,i found it a little bit,but when i work it,i feel it,it is big shit......shady,dre don't play with me cuz as the word turns everybody learns about this fuckin' world and they don't say any fuckin' word,just lose it says slim,i told you bitch i'm not like him,i would never be like that, cuz i'll never do the bad


epxpresse yourselves

[mel_dacityboy]

say dude u on some different stuff it sound like u talkin to yoself in the song, dats kind of tight.dont take this the wrong way but it sounds like u listen to alot of old eminemdats kind of wut this sounds like. its wwas cool though

[mel_dacityboy]

yo come check yo boy out
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post2173418

[CrazyCarl]

Structure needs a lot of work. Try to end the line at the rhyme to make the verse easier to read. Also you can then edit in content to help the flow. Keep writing, you need to work on your word choice (overuse of "you" as rhyme). Find your own style, no need to mention eminem in the verse.

[CrazyCarl]

You need two links, hit up mine for one.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175493

[Bigg E Z]

..Ok, I don't know if you were trying to be like some Abstract Poet type, but, this did NOT rhyme at all!

Twice i tried reading it..

..This is the first OM i've read in over a year

I have not been in this part of the board in over a year & this is what im treated to.. =/

..Ok, This is what you need to do!

No matter how hard it is, try and get some formation, some simple structure..

..Then, Maybe try to get some rhyming patterns

Play around with it, try some diffirent rhyming patterns..

..Then, Experiment with some topics

Shit, You have a world full of topics..

..I'll keep my eye on you!

[seven2]

thankx all for advise i need your help Fishy Smell

[Mistral]

you need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, thanks.

[Molotov.]

Dude this was hell weak