Just another day(well i thought it was)

[EyeBite]

Just another day livin in a ma crib,man
i walked out ma door, nigga hidin in ma trash can
he jumped out and scared me so much.. another fan
i told him, git off me property and all my other land
i willl call the cops if you dont follow
i sock your head.. i find out its hollow
he doesnt suck.. he acually swallows
i will neva have to really call those hoes
Just another day that makes me sick
i walk down the street.. all the girls want ma dick
give me a break ladies.. you just want me cuz i have a mercedes
i dont give a fuck if you were richer than me
I'm the one who wanted to live in Tennessee
i moved very far away from my worst enemy
he used to be a real good friend of me
just another day goin to work
my boss is such a fuckin jerk
i have to go to his recording studio and record
i wish i could just go up to the out lit and pull the cord
he was pissin me off already.. i didnt say a word
i was like.. kill him please, lord.. my room is where a gun is stored
i can shoot him or maybe not
he's the one who made me hot
i appreciate him a lot

(2hours later)

i was walkin home and on the front porch was a box
i went up to it and shook it.. sounded like rocks
i heard a beeping sound... i ran and it blew up in front of the cops
they were like"what the fuck just happened
kid on the streets laughin and clappen
well their not the ones who is good at rappin
i turned around and found it was my old friend
i cant beleive we have met once again
i ran after him and tackled him to the ground
behind me.. i heard a gun shoot 1 round
i flipped over my old freind got shot
he got hit and iim glad i did not
he died... i hope that mutha fucka rots
or i'll have to kill people with my glocks

the end....
this was just another day....

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202850
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202836

[EyeBite]

thanks.. uppin

[CrazyCarl]

The area that stands out in need of work is description. More time put into trying to create the image pays off in a piece like this. The first half was kinda light-hearted, but you seemed to take the piece in a serious direction after that. The topic was about a day, which different events would happen. If it was a different concept, it would have appeared to go off topic. Work on filling up the lines a bit to get the lines more uniform. Also, with practice, your rhyming will improve.
Return the feedback on "Life As A Dead Man" in my sig.

[EyeBite]

ok,i'll work on it.. thanks for the advice i'll take it.. uppin for feed

[Vertikle]

good try here man....................nice flow and structure.........but you need to work on imagery and vocab...it seemed to lack throughout the verse....but besides that I see nothing wrong, vote-7.5/10...........good try (thumbs up)

[EyeBite]

thx for the feed.. i appreciate it.. uppin

[Lil_Soja]

Lol, at the first bar. Anyways you were very brief and plain about "Just another day." Your structure was pretty off in some places, but for the most part it was okish. Your vocabulary was very weak, all basic words, and same with your rhyme scheme. You could of gone into more into details with your lines without over exagerating them, but you failed to do that. This whole verse was pretty basic and seems as if it was written when someone would first start out writing. With some elevation, i'm sure you would improve a little at a time. You need to add more to it, make it grab the readers attention to make them want to read more and more of it...I could of stopped reading it after the 2 bar and would've cared less about how you ended it.

[EyeBite]

ok i'll take ya advice tooo, thx, uppin.. i need more feed.. i have been on for about 7 hours or more today.. lol.. im not a CPU freak

[Sammy B]

Overall this peice was ok i liked the way it flowed. From what I read there were a few things you could try to work on. The main thing for me was the vocab alot of your rhyming words were too simple same thing with the rhyme scheme. Work on making the description more in-depth and vivid. Keep writing and practicing your verses will develop.

[EyeBite]

thx for the feed..i appreciate it.. uppin

[EyeBite]

uppin

[The Exodus]

alright this was aight man. you just need to work on imagery a little more and try to be more complex with your rhyming.

see..like this line:
he died... i hope that mutha fucka rots
or i'll have to kill people with my glocks

its just a little played....so just try to be more direct and on the point. but keep it up homie.

[EyeBite]

thanks.. i appreciate it big time

[TreaZoN]

this piece wasnt that bad....it did lack on imagery and tha vocab was too simple....it was well structured i think...it did flow well and was layed out nicely...i like tha rhyme scheme...some of tha lines were a little stretched but only a few in tha middle...all in all this piece was aiight....keep droppin and elevatin.~1~

[DJRizzle]

i liked ur flow it was ok and ur structure was fine on the most part but ur vocab sucked ass u sound like a kid tryin to write for the sake of writin wit not alotta creativity but ive seen some other shit of urs that was good so i hope u go back on track