My 1st post- A LoVe TiNg

[..::LaDy_X::..]

Sittin here sad cus i no dat boy was meant 4 me
I dont believe in destiny, but i no me and him was meant to be
This is to much emotionally and mentally
I no things will work out eventually

I say i no but deep down i hope
Its been less than a week and i cant cope
Watchin our love get weaker and weaker
I just was shout how i feel through a loudspeaker

He knows im watchin him, y is he being so sly
When i caught him i stayed with him, didnt he wonder y?
If he gets another offer he cant resist the temptation
He cheats on me without any hesitation
Now we separated, we both feelin the devistation

[~ladie_streetz~]

it was very basic very original, vocab wasnt too good, didnt show too much feeling the flow was okay in was but you still need to improve you skillz though it wasnt too hot, needed more to it didnt feel it

[..::LaDy_X::..]

thanx for the feedback its the 1st time ive tired doin this...so negative and positive comments welcome!!!!

[ITawAPuddyKat]

erm it was short, but overall you had good flow, but with bad grammar. Improve on your grammar and next time ad multi'z and stretch your lines a letter longer and make sure their strcutured nicely, change your hyme scheme cause this aint working out. Your emotion was ok, could've been better, had a metaphor in there 'hence the loudspeaker' which was a good line, but could've been worded different. Played concept and poor approuch on the Topic.

Overall improve on your flow and your grammar, then hit up to make multi'z and put down nicely structured, after that, improve your rhyme-scheme. With all that set and done, hit on with emotion and imagery, get into metaphors similies and stuff..and prop in the next few months with more pratice, you'll get better.

[BigBoss]

Its not bad for your first post. Its better than alot of first post ive seen. things you might want to work on is your sentance structure (try and make the lines even). Another thing you might want to try and work on is elaborating. This was a verse about you and a guy...I know you have more to say about it :-)..... Good job for first post
To learn more read some of these tips:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=154
Keep workin on it...

peace

[Johnny 6-feet]

Closed, 16 lines minimum.