Intaligble Thoughts

[P. Mortuus]

Medieval mirages modernised the memories of man
Celtic scenes showing solitude midst the clan
Teary tomboys trying to transform for tomorrow
Sorrowful suppression surmised to show more sorrow
Beautiful birds were to beatify boroughs in the beggining
Slowly selfishness shows man more paths of sinning
Yet the yew grows yellow but rows on the yacht
Peers pretend not to pronounce the prudent pact
Diabolical deeds draw devilish relish from death
Meticulous matter transforms nature to mournful meth
Gras grows to willowy weeds that birth the burrows
Wasps wisp past parents, while foxes start to furrow
Inside insight into inaccurate ideas of the idealistic writer
Allow allies to assume tomorrow won’t be any brighter
Lowly legions of logistical facts for men account more
………………………Than for that fate has in store

[P. Mortuus]

Don't think i've used thes links before:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287104

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287387

[P. Mortuus]

Now gimme love, haha

[Ben A. Newly-Rayped]

Medieval mirages modernised the memories of man
Celtic scenes showing solitude midst the clan
Teary tomboys trying to transform for tomorrow
Sorrowful suppression surmised to show more sorrow

really good opener

flow:: was very good off at times but not alot still was pretty impresed
Wordplay:: eh it was good like flow it was off sometimes not enough to fuk up tha piece
Vocab:: was nice u had some pretty good shit thhere nice wording
structre::: not great it was ok u could read it an that all ways matters lol
Topic::: was real good nice topic an u stayed on tha topic thru tha whole om

Inside insight into inaccurate ideas of the idealistic writer
Allow allies to assume tomorrow won’t be any brighter
Lowly legions of logistical facts for men account more
………………………Than for that fate has in store

very nice closer

[P. Mortuus]

Preciate the comments and the pointers have been taken into account

[P. Mortuus]

Anymoe comments

[Atti]

Wow, very strong little verse you've got there. I mean, everything was flawless, but then again it is only a verse which made it alot easier to stay consistant. The concept was very beautiful and poetic in approach... Felt like I was reading a poem more so than an Om but if flowed, which I really like; That's even how I write. Uuuum ya, I wish I could break it down more but there wasnt that much there. I really think you should get this deleted before to many more people see it and add like two more verses then re-post it. *Shrug* Either way, great drop... Just wish there were more of it.

I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417

[P. Mortuus]

Preciate the comments......hopefully people won't rip it off but who knos. I'll check ya piece in a min

[Plain-Thug]

Yea Man I was feelin this

ya flow was really nice( smooth read ), ya strucutre was perfect just about( really impressive)..Ya rhymes were excellent man and same with vocab that was upped making this peice complex and thats what i like to see (props)topic was interesting and pretty enjoyable to read..even though this piece was short i have to sayit was really really good...peace~

[DoljaBoi]

I like the aliteration. I've always like when cats do that, back to Redman on "Hardcore" which is one of my favorate verses ever. You kind of remind me of GZA with the flow, which I think is compliment. The depth of the lyrical content was strong. It sounded poetic, but that's not a bad thing. Overall, I'd give it an 8.5 out of 10. (10 being AZ on "Life's a Bitch")

[The Vortex]

yeah nice poetics pak f'sho..good vocab usage and worded was flawless as was the flow.content was dope as well had some good metaphorical content and a good few cool visual images which made thew more interesting. only thing is i'd say it stopped a bit short a few more bars wouldnt have gone amiss. rhymes was all good and content ran smooth

y coo f'sho

[MCtrini]

Nice work. I really like your use of alliteration as it didn't seem contrived or just put in for style only.
Your flow was great.
Wordplay and metaphor, imagery were great.
Rhyming was decent.
Complexity good.
Can't find much wrong wit this piece. Nice vocab too.
Check out mine: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287523

[P. Mortuus]

Preciate all the comments and thanks for taking out y'alls time and reading it.

[Bounce]

Medieval mirages modernised the memories of man
Celtic scenes showing solitude midst the clan
Teary tomboys trying to transform for tomorrow
Sorrowful suppression surmised to show more sorrow
Beautiful birds were to beatify boroughs in the beggining
Slowly selfishness shows man more paths of sinning
Yet the yew grows yellow but rows on the yacht
Peers pretend not to pronounce the prudent pact
Diabolical deeds draw devilish relish from death
Meticulous matter transforms nature to mournful meth
Gras grows to willowy weeds that birth the burrows
Wasps wisp past parents, while foxes start to furrow
Inside insight into inaccurate ideas of the idealistic writer
Allow allies to assume tomorrow won’t be any brighter
Lowly legions of logistical facts for men account more
………………………Than for that fate has in store

This is the best I've seen from you pak, I just wish you developed it into a a greater body of work. This would be a dope passage from a bigger body, very good on it's won, but it would only make sense to develop this. Nice little verse very fresh and classic in tone, you created the atmosphere well and showed signs of elevated writing. Damn good, I think this will be the turning poitn for you my man, prior to this drop I felt you were on that edge between good and dope, this pushes you over. Some short verses nail everything down, I feel this fell a bit shy of that, but if you revisist this I am sure you can push it over. Damn nice read.

[P. Mortuus]

I preciate your comment and yeah i see everyone has been saying it's should be in a propa om, so yeah i might do that