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Thread: Moving On... Professionally.

  1. July 24th, 2006, 05:11 AM #1
    Engivale
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    Moving On... Professionally.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...06#post4746106
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302429


    I finally believe that the corner is turned
    I've binded my cleaved heart disorder and learned
    That if I die it's only my life that I've earned...
    The difference between love and infatuation
    Pushed to shove to mad, Amazin'
    How do I make an entree out of a tastin'...?
    Fuck these big girls and little women
    that twiddle in and put a riddle in every sentence;
    And whether repentence is given I'm sittin' on benches...
    I'm sick of these wenches who act like they're nice
    Cheerleader, Shopping, Chick flicks- Sugar and Spice-
    My ass, it's high class bullshit and we'll get into fights.
    I'm lookin' for Miss rights, Fuck miss right now-
    Fuck the miss left, she's gone and doesn't exist...

    POW.

    You're outta my life. Dead to me, deleted and gone.
    Nothing left of yours, no more bein' your pawn-
    Stayin' up until dawn hoping you'd show up on my lawn-
    It's fair to say you won't be there today so I go on...
    Is happiness back? Let's face it, I'm bitchin',
    Still itchin' for one more, I'm basically fishin'
    It's sacred the mission I'm taking for this aching incision...
    It might be my making I'm debating an ancient decision
    There's no scars, and most of what was said were lies-
    Cuz I was speakin to a stranger with anger in eyes-
    Beautiful, wise, I'm a fool to her spies;
    She knows my woes and what I chose to describe...
    But the memory fades, and the future is fate,
    No surrender, I'm phased but it's not too late-
    It's got to be surreal to feel this great
    I'll never be a better me, Unreal's my trait...

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  2. July 24th, 2006, 04:04 PM #2
    Engivale
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    ^uppin 4 feedback... It would be nice.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  3. July 24th, 2006, 04:51 PM #3
    Illicit~7ongueZ
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    this was a nice peice right here homie. you got mad skills and your vocab is pretty good. check out my drop my life and return the favor.

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  4. July 24th, 2006, 11:19 PM #4
    Engivale
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    ^uppin 4 some more feedback... tell me what you think and leave links to anything you'd like me to critique...

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  5. July 24th, 2006, 11:52 PM #5
    Nique.
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    This was cool. I liked the second stanza a lot more than the first stanza by a long shot. Your flow was fantastic on most parts, and terrible on others. Transition was off at parts too, but your flow upheld it for majority of the piece. I really liked your opener:

    I finally believe that the corner is turned
    I've binded my cleaved heart disorder and learned

    ^I dont know. I just really liked the way that flowed. After that, I didn't like the rest of your first stanza at all. It got real cheesy and mechanically insignificant if you know what I mean.

    The second stanza was great. I really liked it.

    It's sacred the mission I'm taking for this aching incision...
    It might be my making I'm debating an ancient decision
    There's no scars, and most of what was said were lies-
    Cuz I was speakin to a stranger with anger in eyes-
    Beautiful, wise, I'm a fool to her spies;
    She knows my woes and what I chose to describe...

    ^Transition was a lot better in this part. My favorite.

    Overall, this was a cool read despite minor flaws. Good. Pz.
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  6. July 25th, 2006, 01:20 AM #6
    'Redic'
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    Good drop homie, im not much of a fan of the whole a,a,a,b,b,b,c,c,c stanza rhyme scheme but you pulled it out nice flow some what short lines but still an good drop regardless of it, emotion, and imagry was decent and word choice was exceptional good drop homie and keep it out looks forward to more of your pieces
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  7. July 25th, 2006, 04:11 PM #7
    Engivale
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    thanks for feedback, uppin for a little more because I like this piece... =D

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  8. July 26th, 2006, 04:06 PM #8
    Engivale
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    ^uppin'

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  9. July 26th, 2006, 04:29 PM #9
    Bounce
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    i agree with nique here, this was on and off, but the parts that were on were done well. Nice little verse here, enjoyable read and some nice lines to boot. The opener was dope, two solid lines there. Very good example of what our newer writers should be working towrds,still room for improvement, but you did nail areas of this down. I think you transition from scheme to scheme is what nique is talking about in your flow. Some areas were nice, others were not, but made for a real good read eitherway. I can't really get an idea as to your level with just one peice, so you can bet I;l be dropping in on you. Nice addition to the Om section, welcome...

    you can hit my drops if you have the time

    paper noose
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...1&page=1&pp=15

    or

    strange fruit
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298750

    thanks

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  10. July 27th, 2006, 11:19 PM #10
    Engivale
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    ^uppin'

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
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  11. August 1st, 2006, 05:07 PM #11
    Young Trill #2
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    this was a nice piece..i liked the vocab. u have a good vocab.. your flow was nice n was really feelin the rhymescheme..not very long so u cant put much of a story into it but it still had decent story. overalll tihs was a nice piece.

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  12. September 15th, 2006, 09:24 AM #12
    Bulldogg Diablo
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    I felt that burden off your chest at the 2nd part. I really felt that.
    Nice structure also
    Practise what you preach,
    Above all else. It's the method you should use to teach.
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