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Thread: Hello!Mr President

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Hello!Mr President

    I hope you people like this, I decided to go for a different style than I normally do, so I don't know what you will think of it.



    “THOSE THAT REMAIN, REMAIN IN FEAR”

    Seven inches of ribbed barrel, with a tip of ice
    Black wood grip panel, gold bead front sight
    V-notch rear sight, it just doesn’t miss the target
    ‘please remove this firearm, from my face, sergeant’
    He peers into my eyes, my once submissive trainee
    Has lied, this foolish young man, has betrayed me
    Generals, of our enemy, the animals, and the vandals
    Used him to get to me, then blew us out like a candle
    I will not speak, for I have been betrayed, it’s too late for me
    But my men, may lead, our siege, and bring us to victory
    I put up no mêlée, for my time has come, I am not frightened
    Enlightened, for I know now, there is a meaning for fighting


    Reloading my 9x19 mm Luger, the Kahr is my confidant
    Out here in the blistering frost, I don’t need to hide it
    I’m alone, my foe, does not know where to go
    For I am the greatest gunman alive, I quickly load
    My double action pistol, is all I need in this battle
    Rattled, my enemy, are strapped up like a saddle
    I have but one, trusted gun, I discharge a round
    With a thud, and a pound, my target falls to the ground
    The wind whispers quietly, it is time for me to relocate
    So quickly I break, while the soldiers pause in disarray
    The thick stockade of their head quarters, becomes clear
    devoid of fear, I slither near, and hear, a booming cheer


    Shackled in manacles, beaten by animals, spat on and mocked.
    Choc-a-block with thoughts, while my heart prepares to stop
    Beaten and bruised, I’m being abused, but I sincerely refuse
    To speak any news, that may make us lose, the jeers and boos
    Do not affect me, I gently close my eyes, prepared for my demise
    My mind is like a portal, back to the past, at home with my wife
    My three children, and 3 course meals, ah yes, the good ol’ life
    I reminisce, the times have been bliss, I hope that I’m missed
    This life that I’ve lived, has been far from a gift, but I loved it
    I’d give anything to say goodbye, but my time is nigh, I must die
    So I lift my head, and glare into his eyes, revealing the lies
    I say my goodbyes, I dare not cry, so I look to the sky


    With a crash, and a flash of blood, I must have been sliced
    I clatter through the window, and land right, in the spotlight
    Realising my mistake, I lurch behind a nearby crate, and wait
    A soldier, sneaks upon me, and with a bang, he meets his fate
    I pick up his rifle, a Steyr AUG, reload the traditional classic
    The sense of the weapon, and pin-point accuracy is fantastic
    I take out three, then hide, I can not be exposed again
    ‘one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN!!’
    I jump out, rifle in hand, a single shot directly between the eyes
    A single cry, and the oppressor, falls on the floor and dies
    Hello! Mr President, I’ve come to make your day, you’re safe’
    I release him from the chains, and together we walk away
    Last edited by Witty; August 4th, 2006 at 09:45 PM

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; August 3rd, 2006 at 06:03 PM

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  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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  4. #4
    God damn, I really liked this alot. Like, not even just my favorite from you personally but in general this is a great piece. Very aggressive and opinionated, yet still engadging and extremely fluent. I loved this read. I'm not sure what is new cuz I dont think I really read to many of your Om's, just your poetry, but stick with the new thing cuz this was definately very impressive. Nice job man.

    Check out my piece, "andIpanicandIpanic"
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    wow,I didn't expect such a positive reaction, I was completely unsure about what people would think of this, I was hesitant to post it, the only reason I changed style is because I looked back at my other peices, and they were bland, so I thought it was time for a change, looks like it worked for the better. thanks very much for the feed dude, I'll leave feed on that OM right away.

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  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    I left feed on your peice

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  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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  8. #8
    Banned Lord of Pens's Avatar
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    Damn this was good man. I see you've been practicing on your rhyme scheme. Good job man. Rhyme scheme was definitely good here. Vocabulary was very good also. The imagery of this piece........VERY.......VERY GOOD. I think your only problem here was where you placed the commas, is it were to be a pause there, it'd make for an awkward flow. If the commas are no pause in this piece and just read through then I guess the flow would be iight. Also man, the twist at the end shocked me. I thought he was going to kill the president when he just rescued him. Good shit man. I really enjoyed the read. Keep writing.

    Can you leave feed on Have Faith.....No Matter What in my sig. It's truly like a whole different side of me that didn't care about the technicalities of writing. I just wrote.

  9. #9
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    Shackled in manacles, beaten by animals, spat on and mocked.
    Choc-a-block with thoughts, while my heart prepares to stop
    Beaten and bruised, I’m being abused, but I sincerely refuse
    To speak any news, that may make us lose, the jeers and boos
    Do not affect me, I gently close my eyes, prepared for my demise
    My mind is like a portal, back to the past, at home with my wife
    My three children, and 3 course meals, ah yes, the good ol’ life
    I reminisce, the times have been bliss, I hope that I’m missed

    ^ NICE STUFF HERE

    Anyways, I liked this a lot Witness. You seem to have great knowledge of many forms of wirting. You can chnage your style and still drop an amazing piece of writing. The thing that impresses me most is the wording and metaphors, I am really bad at metaphors, so when I see other people, such as yourself, use them it makes me jealous. well overall, I think it's not the GREATEST piece ver written, but it's damn good kid. Keep it up! I look for ward to more from you. keep with this style for a while and refine it.

  10. #10
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    this rhyme scheme sucked

    this sounded like a book i read in school or somethin

    this was okay
    with good vocabulary

  11. #11
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    wtf get out of here with that.

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  12. #12
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    chill son i was just givin my opinion
    you expect everybody to like it?
    no
    thats not gon happen

  13. #13
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    no, I can take criticism, I'm used to a lot of it

    but that wasn't even 2 fucking full length lines, if you're going to criticize my work,atleast do it properly.

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  14. #14
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moneyonmymind
    this rhyme scheme sucked

    this sounded like a book i read in school or somethin

    this was okay
    with good vocabulary

    If your school holds well known poets books then maybe...maybe that was more of a complement than an insult

    WEll well...one of my personally set topics lol.....
    The change in style was a transistory period for you, this style is much more suited to you as well as it allows you to incorporate vividity with fluency. Imagery was good and as you know, i prefer good imagery to structure or flow, though booth of them came up to the chalk in this as well. Flow was good but not WOW, by fluency i mean the transition of on eline to another na mean. The overall storyline was also interesting and grasping, the ending gave the sense of conclusion and provided a good climax. In totallity, this was a topic done justice, stay up
    .
    Also, it'll be appreciate if you could leave comments on "My Psychih Ability", thanks
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303797

  15. #15
    I fart rancid cum bubbles
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    damn i realy liked it
    it was a pretty good flow and nice vocab
    also had a good storyline this style om i usually never like
    but this is good

    keep it up

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    Thank you bounce for the nice name

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