life or shit

[yog_dogg]

yo yo yo

okay check this out,
i am a 14 year old kid and this is my first post so here go's nothing.

so as i sit hear pondering
i wonder what my mother is wandering/
how she feels bout me, if she hates me
i bet she wants to blast me in the knee/
its good i still got my cuz to rely on he been there for me, to stand tall
he has always been there when i felt week he supported me so i wouldnt fall/
sometimes i take drugs and have to take naps
I thanks god i got my cousin or else i would collapse/
so yes this is my first post so the flow isnt the best
but to myself i am okay better then some of the rest/
i tell myself in my roo, that i gotta go but oh yo, i dont wanna let this feeling go
damnit my life is fucked my girlfriend is a ho/
well i am signing off now
so i might as well yell "peace" and take a bow.

[gotaloveforrap]

yo dude thanx for postin a reply on my rhymes so ill return the favor, the flow was aight u should probably make some of the lines a little shorter, the content was pretty good, but i didnt see how life or shit summed up the post. the vocab could use a little elevatin, the wordplay was ok, but u could use some mulltis, good first dude, i was feelin it.

[The Realist]

granted your 14 and trying something for the 1st time

this was good, rather simple but none the less good
flow was easy to find and reading was easy.. the bar lenght was all of... try to keep the lines around same length on he screen its an easy way to stay around the same syllabul count

check mine out if u have a sec... i need feedback 2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=80134

[yog_dogg]

thanks gfor the input keep em comin

[Pugilist]

Yeah this was good, keeping ya rhymes nice and compact is a good idea, and it seems like you've started off well, verse structure is important in developing flow. Now try adding multiple words that rhyme at the ends of each line, that will add to your flow. Keep at it.

[Maven.]

one piece per day, creampuff.
read the rules before posting
[closed]