True love...is a pain beyond imagination

Been chill for a while, now im back

Love is sacrifice...



I can love you better than he can
Im more precious than that man
In any other circumstance we would be
Together as one entity
Man and wife or soon to be
Kids on the way or maybe already here
An endless love, to one another dear
But as each year passes by
I fall down even more from the sky
My dreams in the clouds
Come down as rain, crashing to the ground
You can’t feel my pain, only hear the sound
Of my rants and raves
Circumventing my true issues
That’s why I spend my nights
Clutching on tissues
And why each day we fight
Because I really miss you…
I miss my friend, my baby, my boo, my heart
The girl I could depend on to always handle her part
Any stumbling block I tripped on she could soften the landing
Any emotion I felt, and I could tell no other
She would be there to listen, with heartfelt understanding
My best friend, my baby, who never dealt me shady
Never tried to berate me
Tear me down or evade me
All she did was care for me, and I care for her
But I see our paths cannot run together
I was her shelter in the storm, but now there’s clearer weather
The last drops fall and the sun rises high
Drying her clothes as she dries her eyes
The pain of a past life finally now subsides
And she moves on, ready to venture forth in warm sunbeams
No longer in need of shelter, but she still rents the building
A vestige of lesser meaning than it would like to believe
But I see the reason that I must now concede
Because for me to intervene would bring pain to my love
And if love is pain, my love can no longer gain
For the strain on my brain, drives my mental state far beyond insane
And if pain is love, then she is the love of my life
But how I wish, she could be the love in my life


by david alexander bryant jr

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128705

credz since u in here, gimme a spot of commentary

Well to be honest Sub' I ain't really read much of your pieces
but for some reason I felt this a lot. Its a subject thats touchy
for me so its naturally gonna catch me. Some of your repitition
caught me eye jus for the fact it was used in good measure.
Multi's were ok, they set a good tone & as the story went on
it became more vivid in detail. Started off slow then progressed
with emtion etc. Played subject but with personal exp' it doesn't
get old at all. I have myself related to this lately...
so thanks for refreshing my memory ya lil bastard lol.
Anyways good piece mate.. get a lil more active & produce more.
-Brix

Make sure ya peep this plz:-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128685

i haven't posted that many....this is my first in a few months, ive been annoying the hell out of everybody in ei for a while....this piece was just a 5 min one to reignite my passion....it's based on my sit wit a girl i know...love her, can't be with her....first time i ever dealt with it....i hope you delat with ur situation alrigth......one love, thanks for the feedback and yes i will reciprocate

uppin

I don't really know whether you're rusty or you just suck, but this wasn't too great man. Flow was all fucked up, if there was one . .Content was the basic , I love you blahzey blah , nothing original really. .

CREATIVITY !
^ Key, CREATIVITY !

it's true....no creativity necessary...but yeah this is my first in liek 4 or 5 months...im outta practice...

i thought it was quite good. the last four lines seemed to have better flow than the other lines and were also the most effective at describing emotions.
i like the line 'i was her shelter in the storm, but now theres clearer weather', a good metaphor/simile (im not sure which is the correct word) and two other lines that were good were:

'I miss my friend, my baby, my boo, my heart' and
'My best friend, my baby, who never dealt me shady'

the way they were similar lines had quite a good poetic effect, and the alliteration was alright in those lines.

I didnt enjoy this one NEARLY as much as i have done some of your others. As cyph said - the topic behind it wasnt too original, but with that - the emotion was pretty dope in this, the way you structured it helped a lot towards that .. flow wise it could use attention, just to work out the kinks - a few syllables here and there is all that really throws it off for me. Another thing that would probably help is your writers voice - while reading this i had the feeling you were holding back what you wanted to say and not really going all out with what you wanted if you get what i mean?

Its not bad, the basics are there, you'll get better over time. The potentials def. there for you.

Props.

This was a good peice but i honestly feel that you could have put a little more imagery in this..... You could have also evened the lines out a little but so that it wasn't as unbalanced as it was. but in this oeice yyou came very strongly with emotion. that part alone was awsome. this was a good story....... i enjoyed it....


.......fav part.......

My dreams in the clouds
Come down as rain, crashing to the ground
You can’t feel my pain, only hear the sound
Of my rants and raves
Circumventing my true issues
That’s why I spend my nights
Clutching on tissues




....bless