-
Billy
Billy
Billy got home from work, put the key in the lock and turned slowly
His wife's vows seem so unholy, because in their marriage their lonely
"You dont know me" she screams thinkin' she reigned supreme
Her diamonds gleamed, she'd succeeded in her money grabbin' scheme
Now it seems she never loved him, she only wanted all of his paper
The truth was comin out now, and now Billy is startin' to hate her
...Later on that night she said she'd had another man in their bed
Billy saw red, grabbed the nearest object and smashed in her head
She bled on the floor, was she dead - Billy just couldnt be sure
So he bent down next to her, and swung the weapon once more
This whore played him for a fool until her bank balance was full
But she aint laughin' now, with her eyes rolled back in her skull
She pulled the wool over his eyes, he knew he'd be prime suspect
Thats when he realised - he cant do time for his crimes just yet...
The disrespect and neglect she shown him had reached its limit
Now she was lying in her own blood, he decided to leave her in it
He stopped for a minute, took a breath then he started to flee
But Billy didnt even think that one of his neighbours would see
He put the key in the door, locked it and then he walked away
His nosey neighbour stood motionless and didnt know what to say
She stood in disarray, then suddenly into floods of tears she burst
Phoned the police, said she saw Billy leavin' with blood on his shirt
At first the cops didnt take her seriously.....but still they came
They found a dead womans body, they knew Billy was to blame
Her brains smeared all over the room, musta been a full moon
Saw wedding photo's, they were once a happy bride and groom
Soon the area was cleared off, and CNN addressed the nation
The newsreader read...
..."police are searching for a 28 yr old male cuacasian"
To be continued.....
-
-
That was very good... Excellent multies, vocabulary and flow. It was a good story too. You stayed on topic and wrote it well. I liked how you wrote from two different perspectives in it... It showed his justification and views of the murder but then we get the contrast of the neighbour's view. That made this quite interesting.
A good piece... Keep it up... Thanks for the feedback on "Unseen Insurgent".
Peace
-
Real nice shit, my man...
Good story, nice rhyme scheme...nice use of internals...coulda used more...
But what I see definitely flowed.
Vocab was decent, nothing outstanding...but it's hard to use complex words when ya telling a story...when ya describing something, a vision, for instance...yeah...but stories keep you interested more because they don't take deciphering.
This one...ok...alot of wife killing going on here at RB...
I just wrote a 100+ line one for SS about this very subject.
Well, the murder was different, but still, whatever...
Decent opener, enough to interest me...I understand the conflict, cheatin bitch...
I woulda liked a bloodier description of the murder...eyes rolling back/pool of blood, isn't alotta detail...but, s'cool, s'cool...
It also woulda been a trip if he'd killed the neighbor, but again...whatever. I just kinda like killing, I guess.
So...where's part two?
-
Thanks for feedback so far...
Uppin
-
dope man..heading out now..but remind me later or tomoz and ill edit with some decent feed
.edit: dope drop man, liked the way you approached this.topic was decent..you came with a very nice story here..kept me wanting to read
lyrics were nice, had some very deep lines..it was an enjoyable piece..good to see you getting back into writting.
dope man.. :thumbup:
-
^^ I will dont worry
Uppin
-
This was dope a really good short story there was a real rawness to the rhymes they were descriptive and kept the story going and i didnt get bored reading iot like other story raps im looking forward to the next part.
The structure vocab and flow were all fine so nothing i could hate on.
Return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183323
-
The storyline was cool. I wish it was a bit longer and more detailed. Word choices were awkward in some spots. This was still a pretty nice read. Keep up the good work. Nice to see you back around, homie.
-
this was good...you had a good storyline,only thing that i may i add is that you've could of go into the topic a little deeper.besides that,nothing to add...good rhymeschem and flow(internal rhymes helped on a better flow),and the imagery was done well,you've used a pretty good vocabulary and thru that emphasized better your ideas.this was a good read man.Keep it up!
and if you could drop a feed in "Battlefield"(in my sig) it would be apreciated.
Peace man!
-
-
"This whore played him for a fool until her bank balance was full
But she aint laughin' now, with her eyes rolled back in her skull"
dope shit..
real nice story, an average detailed description of how the murder occured, yet it was still dope... you remained on topic which is what i rarely see these days, so thats a plus.. story was good, a concept done before but this was somewhat different... i just wish this could've been longer.. anyway, nice rhyme scheme too... could've added more multies into a couple of lines but its no problem, it was still dope..
decent shit homie..
peace
-
