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A verse from heaven
A verse from heaven
I stare into the deep blue sky, As pure white clouds pass me by,
A sense of uncontaminated oxygen, that perfect could never defy,
As im walking through the clouds, a faded figure in the distance,
Becomes clearer with my every step, such a beautiful existance,
A white dress that would touch the floor, shoulder length brunette hair,
Transparant wings trimmed in gold, and diamonds ever so rare,
I realise im facing an angel, my bodys becoming delerious,
She starts to approach me slowly, looking peaceful yet mysterious,
As she kneels in the clouds beside me, she suggest we kneel together,
I begin to down nevously, as she shows me a scroll with a feather,
She proceeds to write words vigorously, there invisible which makes me think,
It makes sense when places her feather, in a bottled labelled eternal ink,
She takes a candle that lights automatically, continues writing by the flame,
I get chills as the text becomes visible, she starts to spell out my name,
I become up-tight and try to stand, but she gently grips my hand,
She explains the situation was inevitable, for years she'd had this planned,
She shared with me facts about Satan, there unrepeatable so unforgiving,
Leaning forward she whispered in my ear, 'hell is actually where your living'
The experience was unforgetable, i now realise i was lucky to be selected,
The angel promised if i fulfilled her dreams, i would forever be protected,
She stared at me eye to eye, asked me to pass a hidden message on to earth,
You yourself have helped to fulfill her dreams, by reading through this angels verse.
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This was my first OM... So i will appreciate any comments or feedback and criticism.
Pz
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The vocabulary is really good, and it all flows well. There's a distinct meaning to the piece, which is always good, so you're not simply blabbing without context. It's possible that it could be a little better in some places, add in some emotion. But overall, I think it's pretty damned good, although it's certainly more poetic than a straightforward rap. Nice poetry at that. Good piece.
Could you leave feed on my piece Let's Clear The Air
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=253094
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this was tight...topic was creatvie and i liked it.....
flow was smooth and strucutre was very even
vocab was pretty complex.......and good too
overall this was tight..keep it up.............
peace
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thanks for the feed...
any vets wanna point me in the right direction? or attempt to at least?
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http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=253181
^linkage...
and upping for some feedback plz and some pointers maybe?
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say champ, you need two links.
still, i liked the concept and not bad for your first OM. it flow'd pretty well and had a good meaning and shit. i liked that and the vocab usage wasn't that bad either. keep that shit up. i see you having some pretty good pieces in the future, just keep elevating.
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Only the last time im upping this...
But any feed would be appreciated.
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you painted the image in my head flawlessly.
your vocab was complex, rhymes were slick,
pretty damn imaginative if ya ask me.
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danm u rhymes are sick itz real creative and i like the way u made ur words flowed wit the topic
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i really liked the imagery of this. i def had pictures flyin around in my head while readin. and yea, yer vocab was great... but you should try incorporating that great vocab into yer actual rhyme.. you seemed mainly to be rhymin the simple shit... work on rhymin multiple syllables
not sayin it was a bad drop by any means, specially for yer first
keep it up man
