The Hunger The Outcome

[warchild]

I posted up this verse about 6 months ago and it recieved about 5 replies ive been going over a lot of my old rhymes and i think this piece was pretty fucking slept on. Nobody took the time to read it and actually take in the story so im posting it up again ive made slight changes to it. Oh yeah all the people on here who think im all about sick metaphors and punchlines need to read this and see i can do deeper shit. Dont Sleep On This Piece.

The wallpaper is torn away like the Feelings In Her Heart
The life she cradles in her arms was Fiending From The Start
The womb contaminated by a poision in the Worst Way
If the guardian is helpless then of course the Curse Strays
Her affliction is uncontrolled so no Saving A Cent
Degrading and desperation reasons for Paying The Rent
She opens her legs up for twenty minutes then the Men Speak
Call her a slut then laugh this is how she makes the Ends Meet
The rent money is now available but the bastard Grabbed It And Fled
She chokes on her tears not cause of pride cause the Habbits Not Fed
The life she lives Maybe Mean, But as soon as the Baby Screams
She still doesnt seem to respond to reality this aint a Crazy Dream
Beat downs and broken hearts is the only World She Was Given
All she sees is a breathing burden when the Girls In Her Vision
Old associates say 'Its so sad' words under their breath the Rest Say
She exits her duties gets her joy from a neighbour she'll pay the Next Day
She returns home puts the product on top puts a Lighter To The Spoon
Her moods are so savage six months ago she put a Knife To Her Womb
Her arm is tied up then proceeds to jab the Needle In The Vain
NOW contemplate if shes really Free From All The Pain?
She lays back with no sound as it screeches through her Blood Stream
Her mind resonates with the words i dont love this addiction but it Loves Me
A gush of wind from the open door wakes her from her Short Coma
She looks around the room with a sharp view her Thoughts Over
She only held one thing sacred, to kick it the Bitch Wasnt Able
In a Sorry Pose her Body Froze the baby was Missing from The Cradle...

[~ladie_streetz~]

this was great
you came with some good images painted from it. i loved the beginnin. it was worded pretty well. the flow was tihght but it could ahve been better some lines shortened at times n such. the creayivity was hot i could picture this through out as i read. the vocab came nice, some shit was baisc but you put enough into ya shit to make it hot. topic was honestly great, you really brought out the feeling from that subject


Her affliction is uncontrolled so no Saving A Cent
Degrading and desperation reasons for Paying The Rent
She opens her legs up for twenty minutes then the Men Speak
Call her a slut then laugh this is how she makes the Ends Meet
^^^^^ loved that, very real and most peopel can understand that hsit because some mothafuckaz deal with that shit in real life, you brought the realistic life terms to your verse and i love real shit
keep it up

[~ladie_streetz~]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=237849
honest feed back on my callab please

[warchild]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245009
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244739

[~ladie_streetz~]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245028
hit this up, the shit i jus dropped i'd appreciate the feed

[P. Mortuus]

Shit u and ladie streetz are havin an awareness day or somethin,
Jokes aside, i reckon taht was deep and was probably slept on casue dogs couldn't handle jealousy, i reiterate waht i had said for Ladies OM, casue both the themes are the similar,
Stay up and dig some more bones and find any other good OMs ya got

[TheCrunkKing]

tight drop, had a really good flow to it, i could really see it from a point of view, used good vocab in it, the strutrue was good, the topic was wierd, liked the way u made the wierd topic a good one

Fav Line
The life she lives Maybe Mean, But as soon as the Baby Screams
She still doesnt seem to respond to reality this aint a Crazy Dream

[Epsilon]

This was a really nice piece. It was entertainin to read cuz you took a topic like this and you wrote about it with great emotion. The flow was pretty good to say the least. At times it would be off to me but overall I recognized it and it was clear. You had the multis to spice this drop up. I always look for multis. You had 'em throughout your whole verse. Props. Vocab matched the topic. Nicely done.

Fav. Lines:
"Her moods are so savage six months ago she put a Knife To Her Womb
Her arm is tied up then proceeds to jab the Needle In The Vain
NOW contemplate if shes really Free From All The Pain?
She lays back with no sound as it screeches through her Blood Stream
Her mind resonates with the words i dont love this addiction but it Loves Me"

^^I liked how you ended it. It was simple but very real.
Overall this was a piece worth reading. You kept my attention all the way through.
8.5/10
Keep droppin and stay up.

[warchild]

I appreciate the feed im logging off in 5 minutes so im uppin this before i go.

[EyeBite]

this was great
you came with some good images painted from it. i loved the beginnin. it was worded pretty well. the flow was tihght but it could ahve been better some lines shortened at times n such. the creayivity was hot i could picture this through out as i read. the vocab came nice, some shit was baisc but you put enough into ya shit to make it hot. topic was honestly great, you really brought out the feeling from that subject

[warchild]

Uppin.

[Zone]

yea homie that was dope, one of the best i seen so far, everything was good about, but if i could change one thing it will be to make the lines a lil shorter but it was real good tho ::hand claps::

[jay one]

that was dope. props for this piece. it seemed like you really tried hard to make this good. i can't understand why this was slept on.

[warchild]

How about someone tell me what they actually like about the piece and what they dont. Two lines of feed? Whats the point?

[Word.Play]

Yo that piece was aight... it needed a little work on the structure but the rest was good... i liked the story and the end had a nice twist to it... you explained everything nicely and it all made sense... the rhymes and multis was pretty good... vocab coulda used a little bit more work but all in all it was aight... imagery and creativeness were alright, kind of a played topic i've heard stuff like this quite a bit but u did very nicely on it... keep it up man ima keep an eye out 4 u

return tha favor plz... links r in the sig...

good looks