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Thread: Revlelations: The 5 horsemen

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Revlelations: The 5 horsemen

    Book of Revelations: The 5 Horsemen
    Pakaveli-Verse 1
    The Witness- Verse 2
    Forum- Verse 3
    Truth- Verse 4
    Xplict- Verse 5

    “A beast said, come and see”

    I saw, and behold a white horse;
    And he that sat on him had a bow;
    And a crown was given unto him;
    And he went forth conquering, and to conquer.


    The antichrist or Christ a user of force without force
    Stephanos decorates my cranium as I ride a blank horse
    Through the course of generations & disciples venerations
    Taker of placation and bringer of doomsday dominations
    Exhaled a saliva constructed of words that made my homes
    In the lobes of listeners, they glistened my bow with stones
    I carry it with no arrow expected submission created hate
    Berated by pupils labelled curator of pooled ills a creator’s fate
    Yet he conquers men in ten folds a tenfold of lands owned
    Honed democratic skills to write bills instructing sadistic kills
    Scene stills I see a matrix of rationed blood spilling, life loaned
    Brave stoned & the wise scribes voluntarily digest gullibility pills
    Terminal tumours spread as I raged with a benign force ahead
    Horseman men follow on, offering you ruined red wine & bread


    “There went out another horse that was red;
    And power was given to him that sat thereon
    To take peace from the earth,
    And that they should kill one another;
    And there was given unto him a great sword.”


    I ride, my sword raised, equipped for conflict
    Without soul or conscience, focused on a single target
    My presence ends worldly peace, for it is in the scripts
    When the red horseman rides, the end of the world has started
    Bloody corpses, and lonely horses, decorate this barren land
    Men fight for breath, they fight to death, not one survivor stands
    Blood drips unto the sallow sand, marking the end of man
    I wreak havoc, my lord’s takeover has gone to plan
    I’m contraband, from a haunted land, hell is where I hang my hat
    I walk earth in bodily form, A horseman of four, a god of war
    Countries fight for power….not knowing they’ll all be trapped
    In the web of lies, that my lord has spun, they’re hopelessly strapped
    For when I ride, the black horseman follows suit
    Apocalyptic demons, roaming this dying world for our loot
    So beware, this is the beginning of the end, for your populace
    Because when Hell rises, you will be destroyed with haste

    “Beheld, and lo a black horse;
    And he that sat on him had a
    Pair of balances in his hand.”


    My costumed face hides the eyes of the unwise in times demise
    2 cents into “wheat & barley making sure thou hurt not the oil and wine”
    holding calibrations for preparations of simple remunerations
    sub sequential to the inflation of hunger your soon to be facing
    I stand upon thine horse with thy scale embroiled he after I will be frail
    from falsified espousal's of peace to blood spills and sword's impaled
    As I myself suffice life's rights to ignite millions of hunger strikes
    preparing for life's bearings you need to see there's no might
    As I unman my horse the perfect absorber of light's shields
    Ye will need thy once hence forth these barren fields
    Slaves of unfair trade will allow my neighbouring terminus
    for all is unfair amongst the 4 horsemen yet your life's behind us

    “I looked, and behold a pale horse;
    And his name that sat on him was Death,
    And Hell followed with him.”


    The ground lay flailed; life fails all hail Death on wars tail
    Infants’ impaled, their stench stale, my eyes cold and pale
    Watching extermination, I crush all creation without patience
    I have a determination for acceleration of my annihilation
    Mass eradication, without discrimination, manifestation
    Revelation, of the expiration caused by this mass abomination
    Society decay's, into a pit of disarray, hopelessness and dismay
    Killing sprees, plague, disease, the shriek of banshees
    Debris, floating across these, bloody seas, fear me
    I’m am impossible to avoid, the inevitable death



    “Power was given unto them
    over the fourth part of the earth,
    To kill with sword, and with hunger,
    With death and with the beasts of the earth.”


    "I saw Heaven opened,
    and behold, a white horse!
    On his robe and on his thigh
    he has a name inscribed, King of kings
    and Lord of lords."

    So Satan’s children ran the lands and killed any others
    The sacred millions had no chance.. sunk in sand & smothered
    They were armed with blades, bombs and rapid fire weapons
    Caused harm to the great, dumb and those close to perfection
    Destroyed the earths race and controlled the clouds above
    Deployed fractured faces to wrap chains on those in love
    Took one step left and felt the flames in my heart
    Fire came with my breath and my skin was singed dark
    I who fed the hungry & cured the blind he who controls your fate
    Will Change the Torture because you my child shall be great
    So many nights and days through this amazing maze
    Wish a halo could light my ways through this blazing haze

    "He who sat upon it is
    called Faithful and True,
    and in righteousness he judges"








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  3. #3
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Very fuckin long but 10 times as good as any other open mic i have read this is by far one of the best collabs to hit open mic yet..pak you came with nice flow some good multies...vocab was complex at times but you didnt keep it to complex which kept me reading and you had a very good strutre and did you're part of the collab very good the verse that stood out the most was you'res...Witness you came very nice with some real good lines then maybe had a couple of lines that werent as good...and you're strutre was alright it was kinda messy but you made up for it with the dopeness and creativty of you're verse..Forum you're verse was good and fit in nice.. strutre was a bit of a mess but had some good and some bad lines but most of the time you kept me intrested with real good flow some multies and a creative verse....Truth you came nice with you're flow...off at times but kept a nice strutre and had a good sense of vocab to keep me intrested...you're verse deff fit in just how it was spose to and you had a real good read....Talent you closed it perfectly...you're verse was one of the best here...flow was on point and stayed up...strutre was nice wasnt to sloppy...had some good multies and kept up on you're verse and ended it nicely..very good collab you all did good and made this worth HOF keep up.
    Empire

  4. #4
    Incorrect Perfectionist Bilayer's Avatar
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    thanx uppin for more feed dont sleep on this collab
    Left2Right


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  5. #5
    Paradoxymoron Nib Oswald's Avatar
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    Hahaha! Oh, you just had to one-up IJL's collab, didn't you?
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309560

    Nice job here.
    Pakaveli: Good internals, metaphor and use of imagery that flowed nicely.
    The Witness: Strong imagery and good use of language. End rhyme was a little erratic but you kept a rhythm going between lines that worked well.
    Forum: Good internals and OK imagery.
    Truth: Tight internal multis and imagery here. Good stuff.
    Xplicit: Great flow of internals, multis and solid imagery. A great verse to finish off with.

    Overall consistency of you guys was pretty good, although having done a collab on this already I was a little detached from the concept.

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    IJL: Because 'NAMBLA' was already taken.

  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    lol..i didn't know about the other one damn lol

  7. #7
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Abstanti Collectives piece is better IMO....but this is good...will leave longer feed later....
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



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    yall should have no sleep on this may i say. this was by far the best piece i have read so far. first verse was a real good opener it made me wish that it was longer. the vocab in it was good but not so good that i didnt understand the verse. second verse was good also words were put together near perfectly. never once did i see any flaws....seeing how the red horse man this one already caught my attention. third verse, my favorite, caught my attention like no other, the imagery was unreal in this verse. other verses might have been better breaking it down with necessities but for some reason i liked this one the best. fourth verse was dope too, shit they all were but i liked the rhyne scheme best in this one, i thought it was kool how you used the big words but still made them rhyme together. the last bar of your verse i liked very much. now for the fifth and final verse. we all know the opener and closer needs to be dope. so many ppl would try to overdue the verse and end up coming forced. you didnt, you came with a good all around verse that summed it up perfectly.

    overall this one very well put together piece, although no verse was perfect they were different and had unique qualities, just like the four horsemen, good job o each and every one of you. this is def. a HOF om.

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    llljr.

  9. #9
    Mindless Self-Engulfed In Moniker's Avatar
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    Theme is way overplayed. And I'm not sure how I feel about using scripture referencnes as preludes to each verse. The Bible explains it much better and to concoct a verse or exhume some descriptional addition just lends to butchery. Technically the rhyme schemes were well put together and the structure/aesthetics were nice, but I found the content lacking and too much constraining, unnecessary vocab. Basically after reading it my impression was, wow that was a great display of literary talent, but it ment nothing to me; meaning it didn't grab me emotionally.
    Last edited by Moniker; October 23rd, 2006 at 11:53 AM
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  10. #10
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    I have to agree with Mindless that a lot of the vocabulary was unneeded, but it did display a some amazing lyrical capabilities. I thought it painted an extremely dark picture, which was the point of the collab, and kept me reading til' the end. I enjoyed it, and it did mean something to me. Very talented.

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    thanks,up

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    This was a great read overall. The topic was dope and the writer's pieced this one together perfectly. The imagery was good in each verse though some conatin over used vocab. still good though shows talent and awarness. If this is what it looks like on this site .................WELCOME ME !

  13. #13
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Yup thanks for all the comments, i appreciate them.

    Edit: Yup Wit, i realised i spelt it wrong lol
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; October 23rd, 2006 at 02:20 PM

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    do you realise you spelt the title wrong?

    lol

  15. #15
    nice piece from all of you. lol, man, pak, i love your writing but it just feels like you're always doing the same thing - and i can't understand why it always seems that way. i love your writing and the style, flow, diction is usually very strong ... but in the end i always feel like you're doing the same things over and over because all of your concepts boarder the same greater source. i'd really loooooove to see you branch out a bit more and touch upon some less familiar ground so we can see some more versatility. now, that being said ... your section was great, i loved it all. content was very strong in every sense and really didn't have anything that should be altered. second - Witness? i think? decent, not quite as strong as pak's verse and for that reason i think that maybe your part should have been first so that the piece had more of a growth effect, but, it was still a consistant piece. i just didn't particularly care for the tense you decided to use, i feel like it distanced the reader by talking in more of a third person narrative. third verse - Forum, never heard of you until now ... not bad though. i really loved that opening line and it really set the mood right for your section. again with you i dont feel like it was quite to pak's level which makes the arrangement of the verses slightly questionable, but as a solitary element i really did enjoy your part and i feel like that was one of my favorites. forth verse - Truth, my least favorite of the drop. i couldn't connect with your verse at all. the first lined had such a strong flow, and like forum i've never heard of you before this either, so i was looking forward to another "new talent" that i could keep an eye out for ... but right after that first line the piece fell off for me and because of the stop and go quality of the flow with the excessive use of camas, i got extremely board with it. also that stop and go really made your single syllable internals stand out and rather than blend the surrounding content they just became a focal point and took away from the contectual integrity of your section. fith verse - xplict, average. i feel like it should have been stronger being as it was the final punch and was supposed to sum up all the previous verses, so by taking that place as the last verse you put alot of pressure on yourself - and i dont think you really pulled through well enough. it was just too much of a typical conclusion, the way you started off a summery of sorts with "so this-so that" which completely dissengadges your section from the previous one's and rather than becoming a cohesive element you've just ostrasized your work from that of the others. also in quite a few places your diction/word placement could have been much stronger and that would have helped strengthen your section. so ya, a more cooperative tense and better wording could have really helped. aaaaaah, is that it? overall as a whole, i'd say this was average - simply because the arrangement of the verses could have worked alittle better so that the piece could feel as it was getting better rather than winding down. i looooooved the settup though, with those little exerps before and in between the stanza's, along with that image you used closer to the end. all of that was great, really help the individual verses come together and it strengthened the imagery of the piece as a whole. sooooooooooooooo ya, i'm done ... and i hate you all for writing so fucking much.

    if you would, Abstanti Collective's newest collab ...
    "Anathema"
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

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