St. Elsewhere

[P. Mortuus]

Lately I’ve been wondering
these sutures seeping
broken and bleeding
do they drive you crazy?
Little pinpricked flesh
patchwork of colour
and the rabies-like saliva
drooling as we kiss;
slow slurring of words
and glazed expressionless eyes;
do you love me for what I am?

The burden of the 3rd
set heavy upon my shoulders;
Forsaken, banished to a desolate plane
where death remains
but a turn of a corner
and in this maze we’re game
dry tears experienced mourner.

In this place we make hate
the sunshine but a memory;
as it rains...rained
all over me;
we have no time nor sand
the hourglass but a description
so fitting for the women folk;
slight shifts and we kissed
the serpent tongue tingling
she kissed a girl and liked it;
Katy advertised eating apples
I plucked one from the master's garden.

There wasn't no rhyme nor reason
no law, no blind lady weighing "evidence"
this isn't Egypt.
St. Elsewhere, a place of lust
war and loneliness.

Caught rooted...
Welcome.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-400309.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-398987.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-399613.html

[Spoken Deity]

this is legit... First, your vocab is great... Not to dense, but enough to actually give intelligence. Your sentence structure is great at well; its style consistent throughout. The metaphors and similes used made the images very real. They were very original and natural... I think what did that were the transitions from image to image, stanza to stanza. It just flowed well in that way.
There is nothing that I can see that is lacking. Honestly, its awesome. I'l re-read it a bit later because this may be worth a nom. (not being a slut)
cheers

[Alphaeus]

Great piece Baron, I felt at ease reading this due to the sentence structure and the emotion that was potrayed by your words. I liked the metaphore and thought your imagery made the piece, you made the story seem real, very nice for me as the reader.
Can't really say anything bad about this piece, I really enjoyed it.
Although I did think the end was the best of the best about the piece, I liked the way you worded the final stanza and it stood out from the rest, good job.

[Spekz.]

This was rather dope - the language and wording were spot on. The concept was neat, and i liked that you managed to intermingle a serious tone and some rather amusing lines...i thought they worked well together as the piece progressed.. meta's - imager were also well done...and i liked how you impressively covered a lot of ground on the concept with such lil wording/length..very sexy.


Little pinpricked flesh
patchwork of colour
and the rabies-like saliva
drooling as we kiss;
slow slurring of words
and glazed expressionless eyes;


^^my favorite lines...

good shit Bpm.

[Soul Slayer]

P this is beautiful... At the back of my mind i was thinking fiction but with your wonderfully worded piece; the whole thing came to life. I think your use of metaphors and description was the driving force behind this well excecuted piece. Emotion was hidden behind some of the lines and i think this was one of your better reads Mr.P


When you get the chance hit this up.... Collab with Stock
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pe-401058.html

[Spoken]

okay first read in a while and i chose to read your shit to see where you at now in the day of life and shit man i must and HAVE to say you have rather developed a rather FUCKIN ill way of expressing shit now and days dude. nice to see your still working at this shit and on top of it still man. the language and tone of emotion in this was subtle yet understood properly with great push. not rushed with words and you settled them in nicely with your vibe and pace of the story. i liked it alot and feel that this has really motivated my writing side man seriously props on this B.


-Write

[HeroLike]

this is beyond eloquent; your structure & word usage was cleverly used.
you have interesting descriptions: serpent tongue, rabies-like saliva.

good finish too.