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Thread: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

  1. #1
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
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    And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    Come back some day,
    I yell onto the ruby sheet, the lake at sunset
    We have some business between us.
    The sound of her eyes batting,
    as she lost herself in that painting,
    for the first time in three weeks, with a chipped wine glass
    almost falling from her hand,
    was like cicadas screaming on low hills.
    We sat in a Mexican restaurant, with sombreros
    and vivid colorful masks sneering from the out-of-place
    bricks. I wrote her a poem on a shred of napkin.
    She said she would mail it back to me, finally, with her
    additions and edits, once I got a permanent address.

    Her hair is longer in pictures I've come across,
    almost at shoulder-length, like the first time I met her.
    We saw three movies in a row.
    Only the first one mattered, the other two lost in that vast ebb
    of lust. When I got home, I went up to the roof.
    The gravel cut slightly into my feet. The wind became fierce as
    I moved closer to the edge. I dropped my lit cigarette onto a
    mob of pedestrians. I closed my eyes and saw a cat.
    Perhaps it was beautiful.
    Perhaps it hissed and snarled and bared it claws.
    And the cat turned to smoke.

  2. #2
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    links and then I'll feed

  3. #3
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
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    Last edited by Dead Dogs; August 15th, 2009 at 06:48 PM

  4. #4
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    feedback plz

  5. #5
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    this is really good in concept and tone. the technical issues is what i have a problem with though, i think the breaks could have been better placed and the wording in some parts seemed iffy. that being said, some lines really caught me...and they epitomized the talent that you have in tone.

    "When I got home, I went up to the roof.
    The gravel cut slightly into my feet. The wind became fierce as
    I moved closer to the edge. I dropped my lit cigarette onto a
    mob of pedestrians. I closed my eyes and saw a cat.
    Perhaps it was beautiful."

    That piece your poem is fantastic. creates the atmosphere and the mood and i would've liked it to be the climax/end of the piece but we cant have it our way all of the time. pleeeease keep writing more pieces, i'd really like to see more development in your writing style because it's the type of true to yourself grungy shit we need more of.
    murder murder

  6. #6
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    Im going to up this.

  7. #7
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    This actually inspired me to write something the other day, and then I forgot all about reading this and replying. Sorry.
    I really like how you begin and end the poem. That aspect in itself makes this poem stand out in it's maturity and showcases your voice, in both instances. The start of the second stanza, too, when I think about it. The images you conjure up really make this poem broader than it's length. Visual pictures of Mexican restaurants, rooftops, movie makeouts, and a cat spontaneously combusting. Well the last part is just the sicko in me but that's okay. Parts of this reminds me of "Rolling Hills like White Elephants". My only gripe is that I would have liked to see some kind of development of sorts, or some linkage. Maybe there is and I don't see it. Either way, good poem and good to see you posting.
    can I kick it?

  8. #8
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    This was very good, didn't get boring and had great content. I think the strongest suit of this though was your imagery, you were very descriptive and effective at making me as a reader understand what you as the artist saw as you wrote. I felt the writing all around was sound enough to give the reader a taste of your skill and in the end you closed out rather powerfully.

    AI

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  9. #9
    Verge the Great Masahiko.'s Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    Quote Originally Posted by Macabre View Post
    Come back some day,
    I yell onto the ruby sheet, the lake at sunset
    Wow, what a metaphor to start out this piece man. That got my attention.
    Quote Originally Posted by Macabre View Post
    We have some business between us.
    The sound of her eyes batting,
    as she lost herself in that painting,
    for the first time in three weeks, with a chipped wine glass
    almost falling from her hand,
    was like cicadas screaming on low hills.
    I love you, your descriptive words and metaphors stick me right in the middle of this perfect little scene that will be described even more in these next lines coming up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Macabre View Post
    We sat in a Mexican restaurant, with sombreros
    and vivid colorful masks sneering from the out-of-place
    bricks. I wrote her a poem on a shred of napkin.
    She said she would mail it back to me, finally, with her
    additions and edits, once I got a permanent address.

    Her hair is longer in pictures I've come across,
    almost at shoulder-length, like the first time I met her.
    Its simple details like this that give emotion more genuine than any feeling you can express. I love this technique and your descriptions keep making me read on and be immersed in this poem.


    Quote Originally Posted by Macabre View Post
    We saw three movies in a row.
    Only the first one mattered, the other two lost in that vast ebb
    of lust. When I got home, I went up to the roof.
    The gravel cut slightly into my feet. The wind became fierce as
    I moved closer to the edge. I dropped my lit cigarette onto a
    mob of pedestrians. I closed my eyes and saw a cat.
    Perhaps it was beautiful.
    Perhaps it hissed and snarled and bared it claws.
    And the cat turned to smoke.
    You got me with this title, because "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot is my all time favorite, so I had to check this out, and I'm glad I did, this poem was a great read, your use of descriptions and metaphors drove this poems and even the slightest details entrapped me in emotion. Thank you please rtf on my poem "How to... Love God"
    The Legion

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    HoF x5

  10. #10
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    Re: And the Cat Turned to Smoke

    ^ Prufrock is probably my favourite too.

    This piece is really something, Macabre. I was just browsing the site out of boredness and was immediately drawn to the title.

    Your diction is fantastic. The "vast ebb of lust" enjambed between two lines is poetic in and of itself.

    Dropping lit cigarettes into pedestrians is something I do by accident all the time. Last year I got a burn over my eye from one tossed off of a balcony. I like that you called them a "mob." It implies a very specific type of crowd, one unruly and ignorant. It establishes a difference between your speaker and his/her object of affection and the general populus.

    There's something psychedelic about the final image that both perverts and....well, changes the whole tone of the piece. Not being certain about what exactly is in one's head in the presence of memory...it's difficult to describe how it makes me feel. Which is why it's so damn good.

    Great piece.
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

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