The Dying Lake

[Laureate]

*The Dying Lake*

Tranquil. Yet restless, a surge in my chest that I can not
release, feel it build, rising, to the point of exploding.
And there it sits, a rumble and pressure locked in. I wish
I could throw it up, take a knife and cut it out, make
it disappear. Hard to breathe, staggered breaths, this air
doesn't feel pure, my soul corrupting it before it can
reach my insatiable lungs. What the fuck is wrong with
me. Staring at this dying lake, yearning for a raindrop, but
underfed for so long. It's sad, water slowly receding, how
bad it must want to flow freely again, over sand it
used to cover, but it is stuck, only moving backwards toward
a crying center. How hard it must be to unwillfully die, with
no options or chances, only hope for a sympathetic storm.
So symbolic, a mirror rippled with weak waves, distorting otherwise
clear images. It's never that easy is it. To see clearly. Everything
a blur as it races by, me confused, trying to catch up. Always
catching up, and never leading. I hate me. Sometimes. I want
to waste away, melt and rot with this lake, because then
at least I would have a companion. Something that will
vanish like me, with me, be forgotten in time. And in the end,
the only thing people will see is a crater of dust, blowing
away with the wind.

[Laureate]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...260/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...406/index.html

[Masahiko.]

I love you. Stay a while?

Big metaphor, beautiful metaphor. Your words are always carefully chosen Ben and it really makes your works shine. I'll tell you my favorite part:

So symbolic, a mirror rippled with weak waves, distorting otherwise
clear images. It's never that easy is it. To see clearly. Everything
a blur as it races by, me confused, trying to catch up.

Your use of a more paragraph style of stanza made the poem feel like a string of thoughts, a technique you use very well. Do you think all poetic like this Ben? lol. Seriously though, your metaphors were great and you used imagery to really piece that metaphor and make it perfect. To feel lonely sometimes is a crazy feeling, hopeless sometimes.. much like the lake. It seemed pretty straight forward. I'm not sure whats causing the speaker to be lonely but maybe a girl? Just because the speaker was wanting to die with the lake as a companion, and not just because he wanted to die.. Was I close?

[HighEngineChief]

what up metaphor man, lol. This was really dope, loved the tone of the whole piece it fit absolutely perfect, the short lines of thought gave me the impression that you were actually feeling that unease and I can really relate to this piece, one of the few on RB that actually left an impression on me. you kept it simple and sweet throughout most of the verse and jam packed with great metaphors and unrelenting emotion, wish you would have signed up for the league this season I would have loved to battle you, wait, that gives me an idea - PM me later I got something dope in mind.

HoF this shit son son

one -

[Hermn As]

great metaphors man you really killed it

Tranquil. Yet restless, a surge in my chest that I can not
release, feel it build, rising, to the point of exploding.
And there it sits, a rumble and pressure locked in. I wish
I could throw it up, take a knife and cut it out, make
it disappear.

thats some good shit good imagery

Something that will
vanish like me, with me, be forgotten in time. And in the end,
the only thing people will see is a crater of dust, blowing
away with the wind.

I say again very good metaphorically speaking the imagery was right on thanks man it was a good read

[Spoken Deity]

I was excited to read this... First off, your sentence structure and imagery structure was dope. The short sentences just made the read smooth, and made the imagery way, way, way better and deeper. Your imagery isnt romantic... Its honest.
The structure was the same... It was fluffed... there werent special cuts specifically to bring out certain images; it just went. It just moved.
I've read a LOT of your stuff before and this is on par with all of your HoFs. There isnt anything to really critique to be honest.
Well done.

Can you hit my sig?

[Laureate]

thank you everyone for the feed, think i've hit all the links left

[Phoenix.]

I liked this a lot, nice metaphor and nice phrasing. I'm not a big fan of the paragraph-like stanzas usually to be honest but it worked n this piece. I liked how it was presented like a string of thoughts. The beginning was beautifully worded. I'll have to peep more of your pieces man. The only thing I wasn't feeling was the fact that it ended so abrupty when I wanted to read more. lol Nice job, I'll nominate this for pshof if it hasn't been already.

Tranquil. Yet restless, a surge in my chest that I can not
release, feel it build, rising, to the point of exploding.
And there it sits, a rumble and pressure locked in. I wish
I could throw it up, take a knife and cut it out, make
it disappear. Hard to breathe, staggered breaths, this air
doesn't feel pure, my soul corrupting it before it can

[Laureate]

thank you for the feed. Couple more?

[Jamhuri]

its already been said. the imagery is amazing. plus the layout (or lack of it ) gave it a certain quality that only served to support the concept.
great write

[Alias Minded]

Metaphoricly speaking you have alot of metaphors what can I say great imagery

Tranquil. Yet restless, a surge in my chest that I can not
release, feel it build, rising, to the point of exploding.
And there it sits, a rumble and pressure locked in. I wish
I could throw it up, take a knife and cut it out, make
it disappear. Hard to breathe, staggered breaths, this air
doesn't feel pure, my soul corrupting it before it can

Your structure of short sentences made it flow nice and smooth it was clear that you could idk how to explain it but kind of sense where you were gettting at or to... In other words you had great imagery to beable to have the reader experience the poem itself sense wise. Thanks man this was really good Im looking foward to seeing you produce more pieces similar to this one..