User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: lucky brand me

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    N.O.V.A.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    14,871
    Battle Record
    8-2

    lucky brand me

    Jimi saw that the sky,
    Has lips.
    And then he died.
    So now we all dance around the purples
    And the watchtowers.
    Trying to catch the Stars made of rocks
    As they trail through the world’s wounded vein.
    What I’m saying is,
    He burned fast
    And it is not wrong to envy that.
    We are still very human,
    And there is a man in me-
    A Clark Kent, whom everyday does extraordinary things,
    And a Superman whom every second
    Wishes that he could die.
    The rest of you may write the same lines,
    The rest of you are Gods and at the same time
    Atheists. So believe in yourselves.
    Stop running-
    and see that the world is feverish
    with possibilities.
    we can feel it all at once
    if we choose to do so.
    every memory of me
    belongs to someone else.
    and i know their stories too
    and carry them with me like pistols.
    the roads we all travel,
    they are blissfully godless-
    and the life that feeds on life
    that breeds on the edges of these roads
    are genuine miracles.
    I am tempted to say I love America,
    But instead I say
    I want America.
    I want every state under the wheels
    Of a my 1986 Convertible Mercedes Benz 560sl,
    With my brown haired, brown eyed, goddamn great kissing
    American angel in the passanger seat.
    I want to fish out an explosion of creatures on Maryland's rivers-
    I want to rub shoulders with small towns in Delaware-
    I want to watch the ocean light come alive on Miami beach-
    I want to drink the Empire State building under the table-
    I want to challenge my fear to a footrace on New Jersey’s bridge-
    I want to bomb every untouched wall in California with colorful cursive-
    and Virginia, in your mountains I want to celebrate
    what it is to be full of error and curious.
    I just want to fall in love
    Until the sun stops coming up.
    I want the moon to look me in the eyes
    And know that I am smart.
    i don't know what it means to be genius
    i am terribly ordinary;
    holding on to hands and believing in
    much more than what i can see.
    if i have ever felt genius
    it was in my sister's face
    when she kissed me goodbye.
    if i have known insanity it was in loving
    someone's hidden gestures
    over and over again,
    and expecting a different result.
    if i have ever questioned what it is to be me
    it has been after every poem-
    after every two hour phone call-
    after each and every time i have told myself
    i would never cry again.
    only to find that pain doesn't have walls
    And happiness doesn’t portraits
    but instead infinite doors.
    my generation, i hope, will figure itself out.
    they want peace.
    they want to kiss each other so hard
    and with such uncontrollable energy
    that the color in their eyes might sparkle.
    they want to move in together
    and make breakfast last until early afternoon.
    they want to grow the wild
    they want to live an experience
    they want to hold an instrument
    and wish that they knew how to play
    they want to create a castle
    with ocean sand
    made of diamonds...
    you know,
    build
    something
    that will last
    forever
    murder murder

  2. #2
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    N.O.V.A.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    14,871
    Battle Record
    8-2

    Re: lucky brand me

    links are coming soon. i know it's a long read so thank you so much in advance
    murder murder

  3. #3
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Minnesota 651
    Posts
    6,472
    Battle Record
    91-11
    Awards OFOTK Champion Haiku Champion Legendary PC Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF 75+ Wins

    Re: lucky brand me

    This made my imagination go crazy. So many ways to interpret this.
    like"
    Jimi saw that the sky,
    Has lips.
    And then he died."
    like I took this as the sky ate him, so he died and went to heaven.

    "every memory of me
    belongs to someone else."
    This line is great because it is so true, I mean how much do we really remember ourselves?

    "I am tempted to say I love America,
    But instead I say
    I want America."
    Love versus lust? Great

    "and Virginia, in your mountains I want to celebrate
    what it is to be full of error and curious."
    loved this because of the underlying sexual context

    "I just want to fall in love
    Until the sun stops coming up. "
    I love this line so much. It is so hopefully yet immensely depressing at the same time. Perfect.

    Only corrections I found were
    "And happiness doesn’t portraits"
    Am I not understanding the wording or is this missing a word?
    "Of a my 1986 Convertible Mercedes Benz 560sl,"
    forgot to take out the 'a' here I think

    This was a great poem man, so much emotion, the fluidity yet sporadicness was wonderful. I honestly am not sure of everything you were trying to say, it was a bit abstract for my tiny brain, but what I took from it was amazing.

    if you could
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...254/index.html

  4. #4
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    houston
    Posts
    10,229
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: lucky brand me

    Great way to open the piece.

    What I’m saying is,
    He burned fast
    And it is not wrong to envy that.
    ^^And great transition into your message.

    This was so alive and the vividness complemented what you were trying to say so well. A piece like this has to be alive, and bold, and breathing... it has to make you want to race along the road with you, exploring every bit of the images you presented. And this definitely did that for me. I was into the piece from the start and the energy did not let up.

    After your list of places... the piece went even deeper. The sense of awe and wonder was great and I love how you took it from personal to a much larger level. You tapped into the sense of wanting to be important... but feeling so small in this huge world. Just wanting to 'leave something behind' that will give some significance to our lives.

    Yeah. Dug this completely. Very well done.
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


  5. #5
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    N.O.V.A.
    Age
    35
    Posts
    14,871
    Battle Record
    8-2

    Re: lucky brand me

    [YOUTUBE]ZeE6SHWC-ww[/YOUTUBE]

    here's about half of the piece. i spilled a drink on the person who was recording me, i guess that made her forget. haha
    murder murder

  6. #6
    nousecryingover.spiltmilk artisan.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Age
    34
    Posts
    445

    Re: lucky brand me

    maybe I am missing something ...Ive been out of the "poetic world" for some time but the intro had me confused, nice, vivid images but i didnt understand the point.

    "Of a my 1986 Convertible Mercedes Benz 560sl,"
    btw you put an extra *a* in lol xD

    i loved the section about wanting America, it really popped for me...also
    "The rest of you may write the same lines,
    The rest of you are Gods and at the same time
    Atheists. So believe in yourselves.
    Stop running-
    and see that the world is feverish
    with possibilities."

    that struck a chord with me... nice.

    the poem seemed to jump around too much, it didnt feel solid but it was colorful and passionate all the same.

  7. #7
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    2,930
    Battle Record
    1-3
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: lucky brand me

    Yeah, I definitely think this works fucking wonders as a spokenword. Like I said before, you do a great job.
    I can't say enough good things about this, and I blame myself for never replying to this before. This is intimidating to a lot of writers just by it's depth. The magnitude of all of it is impressive, how you transition from Hendrix allusions to wanting thrill in a mundane world. I think the interpretation of this that makes the most sense to me is the contradiction people face. It's almost like a coming of age poem, not only for your reference to Superman, travels, mischief, but because of the transgression it goes through. It almost follows the frame of mind for someone aging into adulthood. You begin with the gratification of being young, taking different paths, being foolish. You wind up talking about wanting something built on solidarity which remains in the end. Also, my favourite part like probably everyone else is where you hit that climax with the 'wants'. It's dirty and raw, but beautiful altogether. I like what you did with Virginia, and the Delaware line is poignant. I honestly find more I like about this each time I've reread it. Congrats on the performance as well.
    By the way, great job tying up both ends of the poem with Hendrix. My only problem is there's no reference to Little Wing ;-)
    Last edited by spokenoh; December 5th, 2009 at 07:59 PM
    can I kick it?

  8. #8
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    284
    Battle Record
    4-14

    Re: lucky brand me

    Jimi saw that the sky,
    Has lips.
    And then he died.
    liked this, like the sky ate him right? anyways
    great peice, had good imagery

    they are blissfully godless-
    and the life that feeds on life
    that breeds on the edges of these roads
    are genuine miracles.
    I am tempted to say I love America,
    But instead I say
    I want America.
    ^my fav. great peice

Similar Threads

  1. Sharp - Lucky Brand Me
    By King in forum Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: October 16th, 2011, 01:54 PM
  2. lucky brand me
    By spokenoh in forum Closed Nominations
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: September 18th, 2011, 01:03 AM
  3. We all get lucky
    By conquistador in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: September 12th, 2005, 10:01 PM
  4. im so lucky...
    By Ay-El-Em in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: July 12th, 2005, 08:13 AM
  5. I'm so lucky
    By conquistador in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: March 31st, 2005, 01:00 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •