Blood on the wall

[Neruda II]

I want to kill that motherfucker.

I'm writing a poem because it will
stop me.
Months have passed
since I visited my father's grave.
The days are shooting sprees-
tragedies have flooded my hands,
eyes and ears. The trees have been robbed of life
by fat and hazy, colorless
suns. Consequences have been weighed,
the moral high ground has been paved.

I still want to kill that motherfucker.

This is not poetry.
Just a bunch of self incriminating evidence.
Each word I write is a rubber bullet.
This page is a
paper
mache
machete.
My skin is a straight jacket,
And every room is filled with nothing but
punching bags.
I don't know what is right.
His killer was a man.
He might have a son and a mother.
He might love someone like I love someone.
His killer was a demon.
He murdered a pregnant woman.
He was a drug dealer.
He has managed to slip through
the cracks of third world justice.
That justice sees me as an outsider,
and will ignore me completely.

I wonder if I'm just as bad.

I have neglected my lessons,
what balanced me out for so long
and embraced the endless,
self righteous chain of violence.
Goddamn, I am dripping retribution.
I'm not used to being still.
I hate it and hate it
And something out there hates me back.
I run every day.
Each step brings me closer to redemption.
I lift the burden of inertia
until my arms burn deep.
I fight and I pray
for brutality.
My thoughts have corroded,
routines have become backdrops
for methodical mental training.

I really want to kill that motherfucker.

Do I expect the minds that I respect
to be easy with this profanity?
Not in the least bit.
I'll probably receive a few concerned phone calls
and text messages.
It's obvious that I can't speak for anyone else,
but I'm a fighter.
The thought of someone hurting
the people that I value most
fills me with fear. The thought that I can't do anything about it
makes me sweat. But right now,
I'm making a choice-
and what you are reading is a guarantee
that I will not take a life.

I'm no hero
but I'm no killer either.

[abiona]

I love your writing.

Too many people hide their emotion behind words or fancy language and complicated structure. Your writing, however, is always so raw and honest.

This opened nicely... easy to relate to. Words so many times have been my outlet... I've said and done some pretty terrible things in poems because I could not do them elsewhere. Somehow committing the thought to paper helps to make it not as intense. The second stanza brought such a sense of humanity to your words.

The third is where I think the words resonated the most for me.

I have neglected my lessons,
what balanced me out for so long
and embraced the endless,
self righteous chain of violence.
Goddamn, I am dripping retribution.
I'm not used to being still.
I hate it and hate it
And something out there hates me back.
I run every day.
Each step brings me closer to redemption.
I lift the burden of inertia
until my arms burn deep.
I fight and I pray
for brutality.
My thoughts have corroded,
routines have become backdrops
for methodical mental training.

That whole stanza... especially the bolded section... was just fierce to me. I wasn't even going to respond to this yet because I wanted to ask for your links first... but after reading that, I had to. I appreciated the vulnerability in this and the sense of being at the mercy of a world that's messed up... and fighting against those very same influences.

Made me want to write.



Oh. and links please.

=]

[Soul Slayer]

Bro, i haven't evaluated you work in ages and i could just kick myself for that. You opened beautifully here. The whole read was progressive and a breath of fresh air. I haven't seen this much raw emotion ever since HEC, two seaons ago in IE. I liked the irony in this piece and the way your ending unfolded. It was well set up. The trend is using some sort of structure but you showed here that thats not always the case so long as line breaks are put at the right places. I think the second stanza was my most favorite; a lot of truth was said about how we find our feet only to loose our footing to secumstance. A love read man. Worthy of a nomination.

RFT my piece when you get the chance. My mouse wont right click,
but its entitled, " Form My Heart's Window"

[Soule]

Amazing poetry read. I haven't read a poem in a couple weeks now lol. But this was a GREAT comeback for my feedback.


The wording in this piece was fucking professional quality. It reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe. That 'killer' that wants to be released type writing. And the end when he realises that he's better than the other guy. The ending sick dude, I'm halfway tempted to quote that in my signature. "I'm not a hero, but I'm not a killer either." Fucking deep impact! Some heavy emotion in this piece man. Really intense shit. Had me literally inches away from my computer screen. Lots of good imagery, lots of good similies and metaphores in this. I've always loved your writing, and this is EASILY hall of fame. Keep it up Sharp.

[Neruda II]

holy crap, i didn't subscribe to this so i didn't even know i had feed. i thought it woulda got closed by now.

ill be returning feed soon!

[MoMaui]

as others have said this is raw as hell and wouldn't be considered academicly 'correct' poetyry. but despite that it's the emotional level that this poem creates that had me reading and re-reading this piece. anytime someone can come in a creative fashion and yet still speak from the heart/soul deserves respect. for me it was your last stanza that hit home. the acceptance of a bad situation, an then the understanding that the only way out is to take the higher road, spoke to me not only on a personal level but represents fully to the level of thought and intelligence put into the piece. Kia Kaha bro, keep shining and keep writing.

[ViS.]

this was deep and twisted.. not so big into poetry but i can see that your doin your thing here.. keep it up bruh