Pillow Talk - Mantra & spokenmute

[Mantra]

let me out of your dusk
spooning the evening
between laying down
and standing for one night.

I want into this world of hurt
consisting of bit tongues
whipping blood into a froth
of pillow talk

sweet nothings rotting
bitter morsels of ash
flicked into the dimples
of wet sheets

you look wonderful
wrapped in blindness
fumbling for phallus intoxication
stinking, obnoxious, and slurring turn offs:
lights only

turn ons:
long walks down beaten thighs
to knees never prayed on

just preyed on

i want to be your insecurity blanket
wound to suffocate naivety
gagging skin tourniquet
misshapen love, deformed into knotted limbs

that morning after-
taste like last nights cyanide tongue depressor

when you opened wide,
I saw you wince twice
the darling eye-twitch

we can be a double-blind test
tasting the placebo
of our contorted
limbs; a mess of flesh

be my understudy
and I'll pull you out of the trick bag
by the hair of your neck
taking your Achilles ankle
grit between my teeth
as luck

would have it,
be my waking weakness
and juxtapose the Marilyn moles
scattered on hollow cheek bones
can you see the beauty marks
masquerading as scars
I am a flesh wound
upon your lips -
the cigarette's revenge

and woe man,
I am unimpressed by a fantastic dream/
slash the lovehandles from
my wrists and I can
sink back into earth again

until I'm buried in the root veins
of your bird chest, and the nest
of knotted hair,
as I trail the same road twice
to find your chesire cat grin
dancing like half moon truths.






http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...314/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...03#post7472203
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...01#post7472301
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...71#post7472371
(same as one of the links above but i replied as well)
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...97#post7473097
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...890/index.html

[Neruda II]

hahahah holy shit. I don't think i've ever had to stop reading a poem about halfway just out of sheer excitement.

motherfucking fuck. this is incredible. some of the best writing i have seen in such a long time. nigga mantra, i thought you would have been rusty but i could hardly find a flaw in this. the only thing i didn't like was line "phallus intoxication"(felt that was a bit too forward compared to the rest of the piece) but other than that, this piece was gorgeous. so fucking clever that it made me smile. i want to show everyone that i know this piece and pretend that it's my own. thanks to the both of you.

you guys really did a number with the language in this and proved how poetry can transcend the mundane and express something resembling actual emotion. a stirring piece.

[Mantra]

Ha, nice! I saw you in here and was hoping you'd check it out...

Thanks for the kind words man, it means a lot to me coming from you.

[spokenoh]

hear ye hear ye.

[artisan.]

I am a different kind of poet therefor a different kind of audience, so forgive me if I am not as complimentary as the first... There was nothing really concrete in this, and that I think is what makes the piece so emotional, for me... there is only emotion because how Wrists can have an sort of lovehandles? unless it was meant to be some play on words... slashing wrists, handling love etc... however, I found your collab very beautiful and vivid.

I just wished there was less lace and more figure...

There were beautiful lines:

"can you see the beauty marks
masquerading as scars"

and I liked the break here:

"grit between my teeth
as luck

would have it,"

After reading this a second time, I could throw myself into the scene more, it had more meaning as things that were just "pretty" before took on some form as I related to the words...

I read bits of this poem over the past couple days and though it is vivid, it seems to leave the message more or so up to the reader, there isn't much direction just lots of colorful lines that one must connect the meanings or not and potentially miss out on some or all of the poem.


btw thank you for the flattering comment (but)
Mantra, I am not above you in anyway... I am fond of mute's work and could scarcely tell the difference in this collab. You both do more in ways I just do not embrace personally but can admire... and you both are wonderful writers.

[spokenoh]

thanks for the reply. I understand a lot of it seems overly contrived with metaphor but there is a theme throughout it. It's just layered?

[Yazoo]

until I'm buried in the root veins
of your bird chest, and the nest
of knotted hair,
as I trail the same road twice
to find your chesire cat grin
dancing like half moon truths.

favourite stanza ^, yeh man this was nice, quite liked it

[Mantra]

:-/

[abiona]

Had the same reaction as amanda... but I guess I am that audience. lol. The thread was there, however loose, but it was the individual images created in each smaller stanza that I really enjoyed... almost like a mosaic of imagery. Small gems on their own that came together to create a loosely defined picture. You both have an amazing ability to create such specific images that are both intelligent and evocative and that skill was definitely on display here. I do also agree with the almost jarring use of 'phallus intoxication'. I had to stop and laugh at that.

I enjoyed the tension of intimacy and almost violence... the ability to use ugly words in some places and have them still read beautifully. The image created is raw and very real.

Enjoyed what you did here:

be my understudy
and I'll pull you out of the trick bag
by the hair of your neck
taking your Achilles ankle
grit between my teeth
as luck

would have it,
be my waking weakness

The break from the first stanza to the second... and the vulnerability offered in both.

Not sure if I take from this what you intend... but I'm okay with that. I could build individual poems from each stanza and enjoyed reading and re-reading them both in sections and as a whole.

You guys should write more together.

[Mantra]

tension of intimacy and almost violence

love that

i think maybe i should have added a comma after phallus...lol
but yeah the word was my doing, in hindsight it was a tad forward

anyways, thank you so much abi, i was hoping you'd share your thoughts

And Amanda too, saying you could scarcely tell our verses apart is huge for me.