Picking crops, 1994

[Standard Issue]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...730/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...352/index.html

[spokenoh]

very good poem. I can appreciate this for its naked worth and how well you put ideas together. The title caught my eye for this reason. One of my favourite things of this poem is the way you constructed the two verses with the ending word becoming the beginning of the next line. It opens up more possibilities for you to pair ideas together and branch from one image to further images. I find the last half the final stanza does this great: the transition from images of standing amongst machinery to swallowing dirt. The dirt line is also great, how you symbolize death and rebirth with the earth, further building on it by "breathing" it. It's a good relational metaphor. The other great lines I saw were the 'husk doll' and 'walk home' lines. You have compost piles, stick and corn husk dolls all seemingly relating to rebirth again, with the dolls representing creativity from the dead. Again, the next line concerns this 'eating' symbolism. This is one of the best things I've read on here in months. It was the right length, as well. Kudos.

[OneUGLY]

ima be honet, i half didn't understand this... digging the way u set it up, but the image was a bit fuzzy... the second verse felt like hiding from something, i see the relation to rebirth w/ the compst, but not so much else w/ the other ideas mentioned. but saying u going from up, to eye level w/ the bottom of a foot sunk into ground up earth is one hell of a way to put eaither ducking, or deceased...

now the first verse reminded me of innocence, and fun. but maybe in a shakey, or just unknown environment, but it seemed like life was present here, and not so much in the second one, so in a way i see it as almost 2 example of life, and death... but last time i checked i was still me so... props.

[artisan.]

I love how purposeful your writing is.

just one question.

"her ten
hours daily made
me catch the rain full-
faced and wash
my hands. "(of her)

were you referring to sweat?

ditto @spokenmute.

good to see you hanging around, and yes perhaps a practice with line breaks is needed for myself, I see you have mastered that technique :]

[Standard Issue]

Only mastered when I pay attention. This poem has literally been worked within inches of its life in recent years. Well, the image you point out is meant to signify the refreshment of rain for a new season, as well as the cleansing of water on face and hands. But, I see how it could be sweat too.

[artisan.]

i apologize, at first I thought it was rain...then tried to tie it in with the worker more.

this poem is years old? what was the original like? same length?

[Standard Issue]

The original was a bit shorter. I wrote the first draft probably about 5 years ago now. It was originally just the first stanza and some extra lines with it. The changes came about much later. It started as an exercise to in connecting the religious themes of Osiris and Isis with Christianity. That left, however, and has become this. Its different, but I like the idea. A little more in tune with Walker's original poem.

No worries on the sweat thing. The way I look at it, if you read it a different way than intended, its because I didn't get what I intended across. But, if you thought of both then its kind of working on multiple levels, which is important to consider also.

[artisan.]

do you prefer shorter poems?

do you feel length comes intuitively or should it be on purpose?

I used to write very long pieces but I now find myself done with just maybe 10 lines or 15.
Does shortness come with time/experience or do you still freewrite "whatever" and then whittle it down?

[Standard Issue]

Depends really. In my undergraduate, I found myself sticking with 18 lines or less. Just done that quickly. Now I'm trying to stretch out and find a little bit of length in my poems. I think shorter comes easier, but not always. It really depends on the topic, how much I have to say about what I'm writing and the kind of momentum I've built up. Since starting my graduate work, I've gradually felt length coming, though I still have this barrier at about a page that I feel is too long.

I prefer to read shorter poems. I prefer to write medium length poems. I think honing your writing down, compression, comes with time. Early on, its a tendency to over write and over explain, but as you reign that in I think it becomes a tendency to stick with short, concise poems that do not allow wandering. I think the medium lengths, 16-30 lines, are useful and can allow some movement.