Derelict [P.S Repost]

[Kaotic Theory]

This poem was from this week's battle in Ps. my opponent no-showed. And i would enjoy some feedback.

Banned: feeling nostalgic
like zoo bound animals
caged from there natural habitat.
Brain washed and cleansed
in a sense, not myself.
Programmed & fed food for others thoughts
like an exotic fish
sanctioned to an aquarium
accompanied by its lonesome.
Condemned to the property
of anothers entertainment.
Deceased goes my freedom
reborn was this slave
for every future move
is inspired by thy masters happiness.
A fixation of roaming the countryside
use to posess me fully
that was before exceptance
of my new role in this realm.
To be happy is for they're satifaction, not mine
Once dreaming i were a bird
with the ability to fly away.
But before that possibility of escape
that small hope was shot down
poached & netted by the dreamcatcher.
Now i wish to appear as a sword
enabling me to be free.
a small part of me shall never cease hope
as if this nightmare were a huge thick fog
im just awaiting its passing.

Hear my prayer's oh great one, release my soul......
allowing the wind to wrestle in my hair, like never before.

[Kaotic Theory]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...249/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...400/index.html

[Jon]

kao i liked this.

seemed pretty simple yet i still havent fully grasped the actual meaning of this one. you had some good one liners, almost every line which is always a good thing when reading a poem. i think you could've drug this one out a little more so the reader could completely understand where you were/were going. (so i could at least!) all the animals and cages and shit reminded me of jail for some reason, so i was kinda depressed reading this lol.. some of my favorite lines (not in order or in cronological correctness of your poem)

Programmed & fed food for others thoughts
accompanied by its lonesome
Once dreaming i were a bird
with the ability to fly away.
But before that possibility of escape
that small hope was shot down
poached & netted by the dreamcatcher

sick shit here my friend. of course those are mostly one liners that really caught my attention and sped up my reading lol..

i liked this man, keep writing and keep doing what you do.. holding down both my crews! & if you have time or get bored or something look at my new junt

[PipeGunz]

good piece loved the topic and relivance to those of us who have been mentally caged be the inate socialization of society
good use of visual imagery and flow
I don't know much about poem writing though I think use of metas in poetry is a good way to catch the readers eye and keep him/her involved with the writing

you have a natural gift to be a very important part of the worlds great poets

[Kaotic Theory]

Thanks...lol up.

[SquareRootGenius]

I liked this piece a lot kao. Nice imagery, I got the feeling that this is related to how we are slaves in society, like we are here for someone else and not for ourselves. It was short, sweet and straight to the point.

My fav parts:

"But before that possibility of escape
that small hope was shot down
poached & netted by the dreamcatcher.
Now i wish to appear as a sword
enabling me to be free."

"
Programmed & fed food for others thoughts
like an exotic fish
sanctioned to an aquarium
accompanied by its lonesome."

Good Read Kao looking forward for more and let us seek and find higher enlightment

[Kaotic Theory]

upping.

[Dan Dare]

This was dope. Simple and clever at the same time. You've gotten better. There are a few spelling mistakes and grammar issues here that you might want to iron out, though. I liked the line 'poached and netted by the dreamcatcher' the most. Good job KT.

[Extinctor Draconis]

first thing the screamed out at me was you have very dope ideas, but you don't expand on them all the time. One moment you do that beautiful section about dreaming about being a bird, but you follow it up with a dead end sword line; I really wish you expanded on that. Build more upon some of the great ideas you have. Other than that, there were no other problems. Your old form is slowly coming back, mang, so keep on writing.

[Spoken Deity]

this wasn't bad. You did a good job using the same kind of images... recycling like that is important. It can really keep the poem on track.
You really have some deep ideas and feelings that really shined in this poem. However, I felt your images didn't capture that particularly well. Many seemed a little misplaced. However, there were some good ones. The poached/dreamcatcher bit was interesting; it's a really good image.

It may be an issue with style over anything else, but either way, keep writing and keep active.

rtf

[Methodikal]

this was dope, had some ill lines and concepts here. there were some grammatical errors, and some thought processes i felt could have been expanded on. (i dont know if there was a line length limit for the poetry battle so *shrugs)

like zoo bound animals
caged from there natural habitat
^was diggin this amongst the opening lines, it painted a solid idea which formed in my mind.

Programmed & fed food for others thoughts
like an exotic fish
^liked this as well. when you take the instinct out of the creature, you become spineless.

But before that possibility of escape
that small hope was shot down
poached & netted by the dreamcatcher.
^my favorite part of the poem. i think some more indepth emphasis and continuation with this particular idea would have made the piece more centralized imo.

the closer was also beautiful, the plea for freedom and the imagery of the free wind to let it lose out of your internal prison.

nice work sir.

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