Lost

[Emily]

Hear the silence deafen you
See the blackness work right through
Feel your skin crawl alive
to get to another side
Blood shot eyes stare back at you
Filthy hair, falling around
your greying face
What a waste
Look at that person
You can't look deep
You need more coffee
You need more sleep
Your nails are bitten
Your hands are cut
Like you ain't been bruised enough
And the yellow bags fall so low
Your lively eyes are now hollow
Years have not been kind
Words have not been heard
Souls have not been saved
The roads have not been paved
And summers only a day away
but you're always on yesterday
Frostbite in your heart
Poison in your blood
Killing off what is
now a brain of mud
It didn't have to be this way
But you just had to run away
You ran so far, the lines you crossed...
Baby you got lost
It hurt so bad; they killed your pride
and for revenge you almost died
They never wept a tear for you
nor this hell they put you through
You're out of air
Your heart beats slow
There’s nowhere left for you to go
Summers only a day away
Don't die in your today










http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...149/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...150/index.html

[Flyest_M]

Im thinking maybe this should of been laid out different, to give it that look and feel, every line was in your face telling you what was happening and feeling wich I liked, maybe abit more expression and making the lines more lengthy.

I Quite liked this part.

Words have not been heard.
Souls have not been saved.
The roads have not been paved.
And summers only a day away,
but you're always on yesterday.

keep it up, I will be on the look out for some more work.

[Emily]

Thank you Flyest_M. I hear you. I appreciate it.

[44864962]

You definitely have a knack for poetry, it shows in the way you put concepts together and link abstract objects with concrete ones, like "Feel your skin crawl alive/ to get to another side" or "Don't die in your today." One thing I like to see in a poet is how deep they are willing to reach into themselves, and how honest they can be with what they find. The emotion in the piece was palpable, but I think you could have dug deeper and pulled out more than you did. Not saying this wasn't emotional, I just felt like you were holding back. I'm excited to see what you unearth in the future, and so I hope you keep writing, because we are a dying breed. Thank you for this.

[Emily]

44864962, thank you for that.

[Spartacus]

I'm always telling someone their open mics are poetry, and vice versa here. I think over an acoustic guitar sang in they style of Slipknot - Snuff, add a nice chorus... this would make a good song.

I don't do critique, I'll just tell ppl if i like it or don't. I do.

[olie]

Hear the silence deafen you
See the blackness work right through - who, would this be better phrased as "i" or "do you" or "you"
Feel your skin crawl alive - alive seems an odd descriptor in this context for me and it's kind of hard to picture the intent but it works ok
to get to another side - this line doesn't link up perfectly with the previous one, it leaves me a little confused rather than curious (because of the adjective used previously)
Blood shot eyes stare back at you - good
Filthy hair, falling around - gotta think of something to rhyme you with to keep the flow :P
your greying face - good imagery
What a waste - doesn't gel with the earlier lines for me, kind of a cliche
Look at that person - i would change the phrasing a little here to something like "if you look at him"
You can't look deep - good
You need more coffee
You need more sleep - good opposing lines
Your nails are bitten
Your hands are cut
Like you ain't been bruised enough
And the yellow bags fall so low
Your lively eyes are now hollow
Years have not been kind
Words have not been heard
\/ so Souls have not been saved - i would switch these 2 lines and add so
^ The roads have not been paved -
And summers only a day away - take off and
but you're always on yesterday
Frostbite in your heart - good imagery
Poison in your blood
Killing off what is - is or was?
now a brain of mud - not sure mud works but that's just me
It didn't have to be this way
But you just had to run away - good
You ran so far, the lines you crossed...
Baby you got lost
It hurt so bad; they killed your pride - this built curiousity well
and for revenge you almost died
They never wept a tear for you
nor this hell they put you through
You're out of air
Your heart beats slow
There’s nowhere left for you to go
Summers only a day away
Don't die in your today - i'm guessing this was a typo, but i'll be a know it all and correct it *don't die today

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...149/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...150/index.html

Felt it was about your father or a family member till towards the end then realized it was about a boyfriend. Overall some good imagery, a few phrases that need a bit of changing up to make the whole thing seem more fluid. Enjoyed it.

[Emily]

@Spartacus , thank you for the feed.
@olie , thank you for the feed too. I didn't agree with a lot of it though lol.

This piece wasn't at all about a father or family member or boyfriend.

It was a metaphorical me, looking in the metaphorical mirror after a metaphorical O.D.

And no, there is no typo, I'm going to turn that smile upside down and retype my original sentence....of ...Don't die in your today.
It's not 'Don't die today' just because that makes sense. 'Don't die in YOUR TODAY' makes perfect sense to me.

Killing off what is - (is or was?) .......... is because, she/me/it isn't dead yet

the 'feel your skin crawl alive' reference is aimed towards pins n needles/numbness of the skin, weird sensations on skin.

Blood shot eyes stare back at you - (good)
Filthy hair, falling around - (gotta think of something to rhyme 'you' with to keep the flow :P) ---No I don't. It's disjointed. The flow isn't the same as a piece that flows all the way through. This doesn't.

Look at that person - ''I would change the phrasing a little here to something like "if you look at him"----- Who?------
She's looking in the mirror, at that person, not recognizing that person.

I guess with writing it's either a hit or miss if others get it or not.
I agree with you where you say it could be more fluid.
Thanks for the feed though. I appreciate it.

[olie]

<!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=18928" target="_blank">Spartacus</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->, thank you for the feed.
<!-- BEGIN TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->
@<a href="http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/member.php?u=260648" target="_blank">olie</a>
<!-- END TEMPLATE: dbtech_usertag_mention -->, thank you for the feed too. I didn't agree with a lot of it though lol.

This piece wasn't at all about a father or family member or boyfriend.

It was a metaphorical me, looking in the metaphorical mirror after a metaphorical O.D.

And no, there is no typo, I'm going to turn that smile upside down and retype my original sentence....of ...Don't die in your today.
It's not 'Don't die today' just because that makes sense. 'Don't die in YOUR TODAY' makes perfect sense to me.

Killing off what is - (is or was?) .......... is because, she/me/it isn't dead yet

the 'feel your skin crawl alive' reference is aimed towards pins n needles/numbness of the skin, weird sensations on skin.

Blood shot eyes stare back at you - (good)
Filthy hair, falling around - (gotta think of something to rhyme 'you' with to keep the flow :P) ---No I don't. It's disjointed. The flow isn't the same as a piece that flows all the way through. This doesn't.

Look at that person - ''I would change the phrasing a little here to something like "if you look at him"----- Who?------
She's looking in the mirror, at that person, not recognizing that person.

I guess with writing it's either a hit or miss if others get it or not.
I agree with you where you say it could be more fluid.
Thanks for the feed though. I appreciate it.

I'm a rapper so i prefer terms that are more concrete and easy to decipher most of the time and this is art there's no right or wrong, just showing you how i would improve it.

i never would have guessed that it was about your metaphorical O.D. that would be really great at the end though as a reveal to kind of wrap it up with a twist and explain everything people might have misunderstood.

I still cant get my head round "don't die in your today", just doesn't make (grammatical) sense to me. You can't own a day, it would be like me saying: "this is my today".

alive still sounds to me like it should be a simile to me "like it's alive"

Why is it disjointed there? I thought abruptly dropping the rhyme scheme was used as a way of making the listener feel uncomfortable like on a sudden dramatic ending or something like that. (or thats what i use it for anyway)



Every breath you take
every move you make
every bond you break
every step you take
i'll be watching you

Rhyme scheme:
a
a
a
a
x

last line to make the listener feel uncomfortable (song's about a stalker).

Don't let me be the only critic, let me have it too:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8471755

[Emily]

I agree, maybe I should have referenced the Mirror/Me/OD thing. You've got a good point there. I assumed with the bit that says...
..."Look in the mirror, you can't look deep"....... and so on, it might have been obvious, but looking back, maybe it wasn't so clear after all.
I know you're just giving your opinion, and I appreciate you showing me how you would improve it.

'Don't die in your today' --- poetic licence---- just makes sense to me. We own everyday, and this is my today. I'm aware it's not grammatically correct, but I don't force myself to have to be grammatically correct. So from time to time, I'll use words/phrases that are not on par with Collins.

The feeling of skin crawling, to me, makes it feel alive. Again, I know it's not 'really alive'.

I don't know why it's disjointed there. My head hurts and I just can't explain much atm. I don't know, other to say, I felt like it lol.

I love Sting's 'Every breath you take' song. This song has strong, strict structure, unlike my piece, which ... doesn't lol.

[Wordz AhGod.]

I rarely read anything in the poetry section but I wanted to see where your talents lie. Here I was drawn into the story and it had good imagery, this "good" however could be made better with wording and an extension to the vocabulary usage. The flow felt somewhat repetative due to the strictness of it as if you couldn't bare to veer off the path it was going in. This made it read bland even though it was a good piece. Your imagery could be further increased by extending to the environment and occurences that are happening around that person, maybe even a slight window into how it happened could become an attention grabber for the readers. In all honesty I like the piece and I hope you write more but my mind is kind of jumbled up with what Id like to say about it and I haven't read poetry in a long time so Im not sure if much of what Im saying is making sense or helping haha. ohh well lol.

[Emily]

It's helping. Tx Day-day and Wordz AhGod.

[Smurk856]

Hear the silence deafen you
See the blackness work right through
Feel your skin crawl alive
to get to another side
Blood shot eyes stare back at you
Filthy hair, falling around
your greying face
What a waste
Look at that person
MY ATTENTION WAS CAUGHT RIGHT HERE YOUR WORD PLAY WAS GOOD FOR ME LEADING UP TO HERE

You can't look deep
You need more coffee
You need more sleep
Your nails are bitten
Your hands are cut
Like you ain't been bruised enough
And the yellow bags fall so low
Your lively eyes are now hollow
Years have not been kind
Words have not been heard
WORD COME A LIVE WITH DETAILS LIKE THIS I APPRECIATED THAT A LOT THE PICTURE WAS PAINTED

Souls have not been saved
The roads have not been paved
And summers only a day away
but you're always on yesterday
BEAUTIFUL PERIOD

Frostbite in your heart
Poison in your blood
Killing off what is
now a brain of mud
It didn't have to be this way
But you just had to run away
You ran so far, the lines you crossed...
Baby you got lost
It hurt so bad; they killed your pride
and for revenge you almost died
They never wept a tear for you
nor this hell they put you through
You're out of air
Your heart beats slow
There’s nowhere left for you to go
Summers only a day away
Don't die in your today
I DEF RELATE I ENJOYED THIS PIECE A LOT

[143]

I like this...had an old english poet feel to it. like it was a limerick of sorts. I got the message of it and the representation seen in it. The brevity of the lines kept a speed that built up and push the movement in the poem to the maximum. Good job...

[Narrator]

Lmao, so you were right. I jacked your title! I apologize, if I had noticed I would have named it something else. Lol @this being about your dad or bf though. I liked this. I could see a real effort in the emotional dispay you were trying to convey. I think you have a nack for writing but feom what I have seen I think if you work on your imagery it would vastly improve the already solid writer in you. I mostly like to say happy things about pieces and rarely try to critique and give advice unless im asked for it or I see potential. If you could be a bit more descriptive for example, where you said your hand are cut, you could do soo much with that like , gashes of flesh ,cut from your hand (I know, poor example) what im trying to say is try to put a picture in my head. I want to feel a piece, not just read it. Dont get me wrong, this was solid. I just think you can be better.