The Rising Of Tarsis

[Echelon]

murdering every marksman in the room
"Alas, we made it' I say to my staggering crew - It's time we open our majesty's tomb...

And so we open the door to where The King resides - prepared with his doom...

There was our King - hiding in shadows - frightened - defenseless to the crime I'll unravel.
"I stand before you you're majesty - bringing forth tragedy - for your reign will end tonight at the castle"
My men begin to celebrate - with destined grace - as I ready my musket for execution
But first things first I think in my twisted mind - for my lips have lied to you Brother's of Revolution...

And so in a twist of events - General Tarsis points his musket at his own men...

*BLAST*...

***

I have succumbed to my sin for I've killed all my gullible men - as my heart is filled with fire and brimstone
For my time has finally come - I've intertwined with the sun - as I reign over the sire and his throne
"I'm done following orders - I've abolished your quarters - and my army was light for seeking the darkness
Now I'll take your breath - and with your death - I'll rule over a new land - The Kingdom Of Tarsis!"

As General Tarsis murders the King with a maniacal laugh - the sky darkens marking his triumph alas
For as a tyrant has passed - a new one is born - one more relentless and vile than the last
He plans to reign for decades to come as a devilish one - as the clock ticks under his tower
For when his stomach growled in this land of famine - he was merely - Hungry For Power
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[Echelon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...p?475109-Galil
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...show-SS-verse)

[Echelon]

Too early to bump

[KnowP]

Yo, I read some of this earlier. I'll leave feed tomorrow. It's pretty dope tbh.

[Echelon]

Slept on - bump

[Split Eight]

Wow, dope piece. I can't help but wonder if you're from PR? This Jonathon Mercy?

Anyways, really enjoyed your crisp rhyme schemes and competent storytelling.

Kind of an old school topical, descriptive & linear & tells a story. Very natural feel to the rhyming, enough so that even the rare instance of slightly forced wording is inconsequential. Flow on point.

My only advice/ criticism would be to use (more) indirect storytelling techniques- foreshadowing, symbolism etc

It helps you really cut down on words and tell a deeper and richer story. Nice read, I'll be on the lookout for more

[Packed Graves]

Wow, dope piece. I can't help but wonder if you're from PR? This Jonathon Mercy?

Anyways, really enjoyed your crisp rhyme schemes and competent storytelling.

Kind of an old school topical, descriptive & linear & tells a story. Very natural feel to the rhyming, enough so that even the rare instance of slightly forced wording is inconsequential. Flow on point.

My only advice/ criticism would be to use (more) indirect storytelling techniques- foreshadowing, symbolism etc

It helps you really cut down on words and tell a deeper and richer story. Nice read, I'll be on the lookout for more

If it makes you feel better he's from a long bar site, lol. Crazy huh?

[Split Eight]

If it makes you feel better he's from a long bar site, lol. Crazy huh?

I don't get it

[Genocide]

To over-rule and trot the ruler gone - for in this land of famine - all they have is food for thought...
dope

this was packed with xcellent rhyming.
story was cool. didnt like the king james selection of words you used here and there.. guess it fit the dialogue though. just not my thing in any event

cant complain much. the long lines are kind of annoying at times though. otherwise.. great read

[Baron Mynd]

AJ The Menace with a killer drop out of nowhere.

He's been nice with it, I think sometimes with the bar style - there can be a LOT of descriptive words thrown in for imagery, which is understandable, but not enough rhyming to make those long ass lines seem shorter.

The lines need a heavy rhyme scheme in order to be pulled off correctly.

Essentially, each 'line' of yours is like... 2 lines of mine. I use a very short format to my lines, the difference between the two - long and short bar - can be as simple as that if you know how to do either well.

Check this I dropped, and champed, with a 'long bar' style:

http://<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3/threads/season-one-champ-week-11-main-stream.1260034/

[Fresh]

This is fucking dope AJ. Good shit. Rhyme scheme was really nice with the inner rhyme scheme going with it. Really cool story, actually makes you wanna keep readin til the end. Then at the end theres a nice little twist there.. Imagery was well done, Could really feel some of those lines the way you wrote them was nice.. All in all it was a decent read man. Only complaint is the length of the bars, even tho you compensated for it with good rhyme scheme and shit, it kind of messes with the flow. But thats minor, this was a dope drop dude.

[OG Maestro]

The one piece I actually, legitimately, enjoyed from the OM that never went to the HOF.

Shame.

[BeLoved Warlock]

This was awesome the only issue i had with it was why he was loading bullets into a musket. Lol no biggie tho it was a great read from start to finish. Tarsis is an evil dude but an inspiring one at that. I felt like i was watching braveheart scene when there taking over fort/castle you were so descriptive of everything going on. This is a good read from start to finish.

[Venom]

I think you're storytelling is phenominal and i don't think anybody is arguing there. I like just about everything about that portion of it and that's the positive. Where my constructive critique comes in is the fact your lines are so stretched. I mean...so many syllables per line and i'm just not a big fan of that at all. Hell it takes less skill because you have all the room in the world to fit whatever words you want into the piece and the same cannot be said for short bar or even an audio drop because a beat limits them...and of coarse the short bars in short bars limits them. My advice to you would be to bring this same level of articulation via rhyme form into short bar...and man would you be a tough contender. Hope this helps. Enjoyed the read. Stay up.