I love how you love me.
Your tenderness, so touching.
Kiss your lips.
So, lovely.
Isn't it funny
how one minute we're nothing?
Maybe it's just me.
We locked eyes,
and broke the key.
There's this fire inside.
I'm not surprised.
I've never been known to get cold feet.
So special,
this blonde's a tease.
Drop rose petals
to spread 'em on the sheets.
You're my American beauty.
Last edited by Zen the Dude; September 13th, 2014 at 11:45 PM
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Bloody beauty, that poem is. Yeah cop a loada that occa lingo in the gob Lol
I feel like I could have done all of that, without the full stops. That’s my neg.
I vandalised your piece.
Spectators, think...‘how could you know?' But a good writer, knows.
That’s so fucking poetic, it’s dreamy. lol
Based on emotion, this is a beautiful, gutsy, vulnerable, raw, pure, piece.
‘You beaut’
Favourite part:
"...I've never been known to get cold feet.
So special,
this blonde's a tease.
Drop rose petals
to spread 'em on the sheets.
You're my American beauty."
Last edited by Emily; September 16th, 2014 at 08:49 AM
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Links Zen, links.
...
This was interesting Zen. To me it came off a bit cliche until these lines:
We locked eyes,
and broke the key.
There's this fire inside.
I'm not surprised.
I've never been known to get cold feet.
The play on the images and wording was great and it held the intensity while adding a slight caveat into wordplay that fit the overall theme. I think there's some more you could have added in to help support those images and ideas but when in doubt it's good to keep it succinct and short, and especially in this case it made the read more powerful. Good job man.
A ruthless
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of everything existing.Po'ethicsabstanticollective.
Fed Dust Biters and Night light to the boy.Originally Posted by Mantra
Up over Fagel.
I like the simple rhyming and on the second read I kind of figured out how to read it
so the flow was steady. I felt and anger or frustration in this poem and the short lines
made it seem like you were spitting out thoughts which was sweet. And the ending just
made me think of a naked Mena Suvari which is never a bad thing.
A few achievements here and there
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this is hahaha, almost corny but its fresh. IT has a fun simple scheme to it. I enjoyed reading it. So i interpret it as you metting someone and then getting down to business. The metaphors are great. i like the broke the key line the most and the bit about spreading the rose on the sheets, ha, thats great imagry. although i have nobody in mind when i read this. It doesnt really matter. IT was still a well written simple poem. I liked the little story you take your viewers on about falling in love with another person.
So i interpret this as the meeting, you have just found what you wanted to find.I love how you love me.
Your tenderness, so touching.
Kiss your lips.
So, lovely.
Then i like how you throw your mind out there. but you retract it a little with a joke out of fear what the other might think. while also trying to empower the reader. By making them feel greater than you.how one minute we're nothing?
Maybe it's just me.
Isn't it funny
We locked eyes,
and broke the key.
This bit here was my favorite. I liked how it says that the door is now closed and its going to be hard to open it again/
another subtle detail about wanting to be with her. Although, fire inside seems a little. simple. It works for the overall theme you were going for.There's this fire inside.
I'm not surprised.
I've never been known to get cold feet.
So special,
this blonde's a tease.
Drop rose petals
to spread 'em on the sheets.
You're my American beauty
Now the character is given a face. PErsonally, this kind of limits the interpretation factor. I think you should have left out the fact she was blond, that kind of limits your readers potential to fantasize. But loved the subtle filthy ending, in some nice setting, but then when you think about it the honest truth. The poem had a beguinning, middle and a conclusion. i was digging that.
Good read.
stay dropping.
MoistPuss'Smoother than smooth
You know. You know. Cause when you know, you know. You Know.
The mind without a brain\i/
you aint diddling little girls right lol...
nah,
tihs was cool man, simply yet it had a touch of depth to it i liked..prolly spent 10 mins o this? doesnt matter either way
this was cool to read..peices like this leave me with a want..i always see short pieces as the start of something greater..but thats just me man...keep posting zen.
pretty cute. the fire inside/cold feet was probably the highlight as you juxtaposed two well known phrases. it was clever, in other words, and something i like to see. i enjoyed this for what it was, though you overcooked your punctuation. rip mitch hedberg.
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