what happened to the sun?

[Blanco.]

what happened to the sun?
i havent seen the sun in days, will we ever get out
between a rock and a hard place is feelin literal now
this is where you go to die, why would we come here
chasin after dreams n lies, mixed in with some fear
sum beers, i wish we were drinkin, thinkin bout it all
numb tears, eyes twitchin there pink n leakin on the floor
but .. what happened to the sun?
my brains a fuckin mess, stuck n stressed
with somethin pressed on my busted chest
im bleedin. my vision is hazy, my energys low
im needin, prescriptions to save me cuz im ending real slow
but .. what happened to the sun?

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Abstract. Poetic. Varied Interruption.

Not entirely sure what the overall message was, but I like it. Your written voice is strong in diction and character. It makes me want to pay attention. This was a short but well articulated piece...if that makes sense. Good read friend.

[Nigma]

this was pretty cool. just a little vent piece, im sure it only took minutes to write, but you did a nice job portraying emotion and had solid end rhymes. i think a transition to that last rhyme scheme woulda connected the read but wasnt bad.

[OG Maestro]

I didn't personally enjoy this but it was okay. I know you didn't intend this to be anything bigger than what it was, so I can't knock it really. The strong points were the emotion & delivery. You did well conveying messages & describing feelings instead of saying "I'm sad" "That was bad", you were a bit more in-depth. So that was cool

i havent seen the sun in days, will we ever get out
between a rock and a hard place is feelin literal now

this was actually a good opener tho dawg

[Blanco.]

uppin for votes

[Blanco.]

anymore feed back on this tropical verse?

[puravida]

what happened to the sun?
i havent seen the sun in days, will we ever get out
between a rock and a hard place is feelin literal now
I like this. Paints a good image in my head.
this is where you go to die, why would we come here
chasin after dreams n lies, mixed in with some fear
sum beers, i wish we were drinkin, thinkin bout it all
numb tears, eyes twitchin there pink n leakin on the floor
I don't like the wording of the last line, kinda got lost in the wording

but .. what happened to the sun?
my brains a fuckin mess, stuck n stressed
with somethin pressed on my busted chest
im bleedin. my vision is hazy, my energys low
im needin, prescriptions to save me cuz im ending real slow
but .. what happened to the sun?
I like how this ended. I can understand how you felt when you wrote this

over all, I give it a 6/10

[Blanco.]

thanks for the feed homie.

[Cody Phoenix]

Overall this is a small drop and I'll feed it as such.. You can highly benefit from using a solid rhyme-scheme and matching syllables perfectly, inner-rhyme wouldn't hurt you either. Your vocabulary a bit low..I suggest reading some more, studying up on synonyms and hyperboles to really add some climactic effect to your focal points in pieces, it never hurts and if you ever get tied up on a metaphor bar you can always try writing it backwards, piecing it together slowly and connecting it with other metaphors bridging the topic in then referencing them on personal levels.... Keep at it