Topic - Wes Craven Film(s)
Fifty Line Limit
Due Noon Pacific Time, September 15th.
@Tim... vs. @Brian Bryan vs. @OG Maestro
Topic - Wes Craven Film(s)
Fifty Line Limit
Due Noon Pacific Time, September 15th.
@Tim... vs. @Brian Bryan vs. @OG Maestro
Check...goodluck yall
Any Wes Craven film!
This is going to be EPIC!
Good luck to both you guys, for real...
Good luck yall. This is where the real champion will be discovered.
Architexts.
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"Invitation to Hell"
The darkness engulfed her beautiful skin
as she started to tumble through the abyss.
As she continued to spin toward the unknown
the high-pitch she vociferated caught in her throat.
The fall wasn't broken until such time had surpassed
that the poor thing awoke as she arrived with a crash.
Sideways she glanced to take in her surrounds
before trying to stand, only to find something pinning her down.
She winced at the mounting pressure applied to her back
but from this position she's powerless to try and react.
"There's no fighting this," cackled an anonymous foe
"Where am I?" she had snapped "I want to go home!"
The voice dropped to a low octave, many times that which it had spoke,
and her body had froze as the ominous tone laughed "This is your home!"
Within that moment there was a sudden bursting of light
she blinked uncontrollably to find him stood over her with a scythe.
With one merciless strike the poor woman had been marked for death
where the curve of its knife-blade had passed and carved an X.
"Shall we start again?" the sarcastic sadist spat with malaise
as she grasped the scarring flesh with a hand to her face.
A sharp vascular pain jolted through the length of her being
as she tried to answer her jailer, only to find her strength had depleted.
"Don't you get it yet, heathen?" he hissed with a rasp
"You were sent here to me for your sins in the past,"
"Then kill me!" she panted. He snorts "Haven't you figured it out yet?"
"This is about wrath, dear girl - this isn't about death!"
His eyes were simmering round embers that seethe as he speaks
"I've witnessed the countless friends you've lied to, cheated and fleeced,"
"There's people I've seen help you..." the Devil sat and observed
"...only for you to repeat your deceit once their back had been turned!"
He glanced at the girl menacingly while he weighed up the facts.
"Maybe it's time I grant what you've earned," he paused. "I'll make you a pact,"
She waits for his gambit. "If you can climb from the pit,"
"and escape from the shaft, then I'll let you live!"
Right at that instant she was expelled from his hold
and blinded by pitch-blackness as it enveloped her whole.
Her senses on overdrive as she struggled to see
then fell on the broken glass shards under her feet.
They cut her to pieces, the stygian blood drying to scabs,
and her becoming numb to the feeling with the more time that elapsed.
Her slight little hands crept the crepuscular course
until they finally happened upon the foot of the wall.
Upward she crawled, as she'd cling to its edge,
pulling her wrought body up with everything she had left.
Her fingers were red and calloused, almost buckling under the strain,
but she picked up her head and then pushed through the pain.
It took her an age before her arrival at its peak
as she shuffled her weight slowly and started climbing to her feet.
"After all the times you were deceitful in those fables you'd tell,
and you don't know a liar when you meet one?" he scoffed.
"You're staying in Hell!"
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
He Awakes
His Living Nightmare……
Behold, the unrolled scrolls of a controlled fate
that told of a bold, souls' face that sits in a cold place
ashes tormented his hands, as torture soon did expand
rising up from his bed, only to step foot in the sand
The wind pushed its voice, into his eyes pushing back pupils
Winds crested the faulting cold, into the scorching symbols
Shattering egotistical fakes with fictional faiths
Adding additional breaks in each individuals grace
He meditates for heaven’s sake, exhales clouds
Inhales sounds that break down profound compounds
Mountain shaped tears and rainbow like smiles to see
Fountains take years to let rain go and soak a child's dreams
Take a walk with him through the many gateways of lost logic
Where fate preys on rotted rawness.. A raped thought process
Shaped into monsters wreaking havoc on his cerebellum
A twisted structure stands alone shadowed by tortured felons
Misfortunes dwelling, a sanctuary for the sick and twisted
A blistered misfit aiming at emotion, Swings and missed it
Raging giants of sadistic temperament stand inside the gate
Silently wait for a sane idea to pass for them to violently break
Hazy views of truth are visible from the Asylum windows
But then those, while brief only add fuel to his grim flows
Keys held to unlocked doors of secret truths
To fertilize a breath assassinates the meaning of you
unable to see this, life's obviousness remains his wish
the true repercussion of a kiss, the ever-inability to resist
what? so, he wants something to miss, but like a stench, it lingers“To me you taste like honey in the moonlight.
The honey your mother used to put you to sleep-
A teaspoon should do it.
Now go run along and play with your dreams.
I will sit here until you answer life’s sweet and sour call.
Looking out the window of a childhood.
Your invisible friend that isn’t friendly at all.”
too busy dreaming of a Neverland, and the sight of rings on fingers
after being fully awake, his past time gave to rising
dusting the morning's dust out his eyes, never came surprising
Distorted time.. Til their only focus was deforming mine
Locked away in padded rooms are creatures torn from battered wombs
Moaning for thoughts to feed on before they lay in tattered tombs
A ‘Mad Hatter’s’ doom is found where imagination and logic mix
Brandishing verbal chainsaws and warning that’ll listen close
The envisioned hosts of his mind are imprisoned ghosts
With risen hopes of taking control of his entire mental
Desiring control of his cerebrum to set fire to pencils
Forcing him to scribe his bizarre tales of mind state in blood
Follow the following, borrow dreams without flare
It's easier to swallow tomorrows greed's without care
The talents taught should be perfected towards a message
As balance stopped.. This legend tried resting but stayed restless
On The Other Side - The Grass is Greener
-A Story of Human Nature
"Fucking niggers" said The Officer as he brandished his Smith & Wesson
Today he retired from spraying innocents with rounds: a man that disinfected
Lowered the brim of his hat, eyeing them down with the wind at his back
"The sickness of blacks" must be eradicated, it was all simple as that
Call on his radio, "a surprise at the precinct" he squinted his eyes at the reason
Ignited his engine & realized the guys have been telling lies as of recent
Driving & wheezing, he trails down toward the road to the station
Lit a cigar, for a hit of the tar. tossed it out the car; a load off his patience
Pulled up to the building, stepped out & walked inside, definitely bothered;
Lights were off, then an explosion,
All he heard in the commotion was "Happy Retirement Officer Carter!"
The ceremony began. Shallow pale faces in the dark station; spectral figures
"Well I'll be damned, there ain't a darn thing missin' I reckon..except for niggers",
Said Carter. after the ceremony, the Captain got his family on a vacation
The wife of the Officer said, "Bob Carter, you can't stand to be complacent"
They went home, packed up & grabbed the black truck: enormous station-wagon
Bottled pressure ready to burst -- but Bob was forced to contain from happening
"While we're gone maybe the slaves will kill themselves" he said, coughing in patterns
Speaking on the civil violence in the depths of the projects: objects of caverns
"They're a lot of SAVAGES & ANIMALS, after 25 years I never got lost in the madness"
His wife smiled at him, nodding & filling her suitcase with fine cotton & fabrics
Wealth: their dogs were placed on board, each named with astronomical planets
Wealth: Mars & Pluto. Dogs treated better humans: that's the logic in fragments
Their journey was ecstatic at first. But after 5 hours Bob kissed at his cross,
On his neck. Then he prayed under his breathe, he was thinking he's lost
His wife yelled at him; the sands of time started as a bottle of ashes
He shouted "I got this, we're NOT lost" his warped mind in chronological lapses
His son said "yes the fuck we are", Bob turned back & attacked him
Lost control of the wheel, he crashed & the trailer detached from the wagon
Bloodied & bruised, their dogs lay outside. the son went to run in his shoes
Bob looked at the dead dogs, & his totaled station-wagon as all but money to lose
"Now what are we gonna do!?" said his wife hearing footsteps & screaming
Bob went to talk -- he saw a masked man stab his son, then next the bleeding
Perplexed & seething, he grabbed his .45 dumping the clip into his body
Illuminati; light sparked, then a wave of mutants were the newest party
He closed the windows to the car, everything he seems to sight scares,
Him to death. He heard,
"You know how it feels to live death? When life is dreams & nightmares?"
The sadistic cannibals rocked the car, fear wouldn't allow them escape
Bob reached for his emergency hatchet & got out, refusing to drown in this fate
He swung at the creatures one by one, hacking their guts, slicing them open
Blood splattered on the canvas; brushstrokes from a knife without motion
He stared at the massacre in disbelief, he fell to the car fast & couldn't breathe
But it wasn't over. They never thought they'd live in these canyons & never leave
1 month later..
The desert temperatures became second nature; they were barbarians now
For food they consumed the bodies of the cannibals that were laying around
The kids died by week 1 & the 3rd Bob beat his wife to death, down into submission
Then they saw glowing embers, -- state trooper lights surround the position
Bob jumped up & down,
Meanwhile The Captain stepped out: "what a shame, what a waste"
"This experiment has failed...let's get rid of them before this game is traced"
"Sorry it had to end this way..." He grabbed his shotgun & aimed at his face
The Hills hid his fame from disgrace, they all went insane for this place.
From the other side, the grass was greener.
Brian, pretty dope approach for the Wes Craven classic. Hopefully people have seen this film and don't mistake it for Nightmare on Elm Street though there are plenty of similarities between the two characters and the environment. Wording was smooth as water from start to finish. This is probably one of the cleanest story telling I've seen on RB in a long fucking time. Most people get so caught up in the rhyme scheme or falling off topic trying to explain shit that doesn't matter. I love how you just went start to finish in one forward ride. It was a relief. Dope piece here man, welcome back.
Tim, this was also a dope as fuck approach on the topic. I just feel like you had the one flaw that Baron managed to not have and that's focusing a bit too much on your rhyme scheme at times and pointless details. You'd be getting into the story and all of a sudden get caught up in the rhyme scheme or descriptions about shit that really doesn't matter and it throws the viewer off the story for a second. Other than that though it was a dope approach on a classic. When I wasn't getting backed up by rhymes or details the story felt pretty original and fresh. Overall another dope read with a slight issue.
Maestro, another dope piece. I feel like you told a dope storyline but feel like you got a bit too caught up in the movie itself. To where the other guys kinda did original approaches on the movies, you seemed to stick comfortably close to yours. Really wasn't a fan of that first stanza. I dunno. Just wasn't feeling the concept matter. But once we got passed it you picked up pace. A dope storyline just wasn't as creative or original as your counterparts I feel. I expected more bruh.
Overall it was a close battle, but I have to give it to Baron Mynd for the cleaner and more enjoyable piece. Dope as fuck either way.
As a disclaimer, I'll tell you guys that I don't really ever watch Wes Craven films, so I'll judge your pieces as someone reading a brand new piece of writing. If that's a problem at all you can discount my vote.
Brian - Although I feel like your rhyming and the lyrical side is a little basic, I have to respect your out of nowhere vocabulary. I've been reading topicals for a while, so I'm pretty damn surprised that you're able to keep pulling out words I don't understand. Stygian last time (and this time, which I didn't really like) and now crepuscular, malaise and vociferated. Weird that my google searches have most of these being in the "horror" kind of genre, dealing with shouting, pain and darkness or whatever, which most topicals are about but I've never seen them used before. Good job on that. Outside of the "take in her surrounds" bit of forced wording, there isn't really a single flaw to call out. You weren't direct with your imagery but the use of words still painted the picture well. We got to see another kind of hell than the fire pits we're used to. The storyline was fairly good as although I guess it seems predictable, I didn't anticipate it so it hit home at the end. Maybe a slight bit more into the escape's anguish might have been good but really that's a very small aspect. I enjoyed reading it from start to finish so this is a really good drop. Why is Soul calling you Baron Mynd? Weren't you and Baron talking to each other in that other thread? aha
Tim - Not going to lie, I really found it hard to grasp what we were discussing. I got "man in a mental asylum...thinking?". I didn't really see anything outside of that due to the way your wording is put together so it was hard for me to actually grasp a story. That being said, the scattered style really performed a perfect reflextion for what I feel the character would actually be thinking so it if anything really managed to create a strong tone. Your rhyming was a bit inconsistent. At times I found it really easy to flow along with and enjoy, but at other times I felt words were clearly being shoved in there for the sake of rhyming, grammar went off once or twice because of a rhyme, and at the end of it some of them didn't really work anyways. You vere towards the poetry side of things and have the complexity in your writing style that would more reflect a Shutter Island style movie or something like that. I'd like to see you take a little bit more from the rap side when creating your flow and lyricism.
OG Maestro - First, fuck you for that subtle red influence. I thought my eyes were going when reading that shit. I REALLY enjoyed reading this piece. I felt you were slightly too obvious with the racism and making Carter a bad guy. I might have preferred it if you put him across as a complete racist but loving family man. That idea would have made it seem to me like he would have not just been an evil cunt, but someone who actually doesnt realize the point you're overall trying to make. Wording and rhyming could be a little bit basic but honestly I don't really care because I was kept bust with reading at all times. Some points had some really strong lyricism, some not so much, but you never dropped under the minimum line so there aren't really any lyrical downsides. I'm really interested to see what the fuck that experiment was now haha.
Overall, remember my comments are like "if this was your very best". I don't take into account the short time frame to make these drops so you can take everything I commented with a pinch of salt as a result. There were three good drops here, but I felt Tim's was a little bit less enjoyable since I found it difficult to connect with his story. Narrowing it down to OG and Brian, I think OG had a few more components rocking around in his verse. We had some more emotions, some more characters and depth to them, which I feel gave it another couple of layers over Brian's. As a result, my vote goes in that direction.
MVGT - OG Maestro.
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Baron- the basic rhymescheme helped in this state with u focusing more on the intent of the story and delving into the emotion and story. The fact that u took this piece and really drove it to a new take as well was a nice freshness. Hope they see that. The fact u took this take was a challenge. The sporadic outburst of properly used vocab brother was nice. Nothing bad to say...
Tim- brother u started off kind of slow.. but oicked up everything once it started to go. The asset of the intellect was nice. You spoke with great understanding and really made it such a clean read idk what the others take from this but it was a clean read. Clean execution and metaphors. I liked the story too as well and the takes of dripping it with intellectual raptures bro. Niceness...
OG- U remind me of an old style type wroter.. not on his level of tjings but the tale u used was brandon cee type bro. You focused on the rhyming and the subtle characteristics of the figures u portrayed in this with such effortless tries brother. It came natural and just blended well with the take on the story. The story itself was predictable but u kept it unique to its extent without falling into the same route of thr story itself and made it like a revealing of the true meaninf or such lol.
Dooe match sorry pressed for time so I didnt have much time to really say what I wanted but dope match all around but for real cleanliness and take and just overall enjoyable piece.... I got tim..
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
Listen here assholes, I'm keeping this short and simple. But still detailed and adequate. Cue someone's sex life joke.
Brian Bryan, yes there were good words in here and they went together in a rhymeful passion. Ok enough bullshit lol, sorry. To start off, I'm not a fan of dialogue in topicals, it makes some statements said by the characters seem forced and wonky. However, it didn't deter me, no not at all, in fact the opposite. I often see dialogue as a handicap in topicals but you played it well, although some was a bit strange. conceptually this was great and you told a story, and kept the storyline moving. The only thing that suffered here was your rhyme schemes and that's jus cause the dialogue in my opinion. It forces you to keep things basic because people don't talk in multi syllables lol. I wonder how many times I can say dialogue in one paragraph. Dialogue. 5. Anyway, moving away from that, I like the depth that you played with and even giving the characters something more than meets the eye. Along with that your diction and tone of this was great, and your imagery prevailed here. And that vocab was sexy. I liked it, a lot. I know this feed seems more negative than positive but that's because I'm pointing out what I didn't like. If I had only pointed out what I liked, this paragraph would be 3x longer. Good, dope verse.
Timiona, for me, conceptually this was the best approach. It read smooth as fuck and was really something I could picture. However you relied too heavily on winning the flow battle and less on the actual depth of the story. Not even that it was one dimensional cause there were definitely some layers to peel back but it was hmm what's the word, vague? Open to interpretation can often be a bad thing, because what you were trying to confer gets lost in the readers mind. I unno, the concept of this was dope and it was extremely easy to read and picture. The vocab wasn't too high but it also wasn't basic, so great balance with that. Overall dope verse, and I really enjoyed reading it.
OG, ok this was good. I was kind of taken aback with the red font statements and I feel you went too far right, and didn't really stay balanced with the whole racism thing. Which is how the world is right now, so I'm not sure if that's negative or positive lol. Equally divided. You stayed true to the movie which is kind of the downside here, I would've liked to see something a little more creative. I think it would have been beneficial to you if you hadn't provided the image. But as far as positives for this, you told a great story regardless of its similarities with the movie line it was still enjoyable to read and your rhymes are always pretty dang flawless. Another verse with dialogue though, but there wasn't too much of it so it didn't hinder the reading. I unno, there's not much else to say. Conceptually it was alright but the execution rhyme wise and imagery wise was great and you really played that up.
Overall I knew who I was voting for before I started this breakdown, only because the creative approach and the completely cohesive story line. Despite the dialogue, im going with the person who sacrificed his rhymes for a better story.
V/ Brian Bryan
Vote Deducted due to Brian breaking a rule.
- King Soul
Last edited by Tempest; September 17th, 2015 at 12:05 AM
@Brian Bryan
You posted your verse on NC, bruh. Afraid I gotta deduct you a point. Sorry.This'll be ran the same way Back To School was ran, BUT, the topics will be done differently. Judging by the tourney title, I'm sure you have an idea but let me clarify. Every battle with have ONE topic chosen by me, the mod. Every topic will be either a horror movie, a horror genre or a horror director (you can choose any movie by that director). Each round will be different but that's basically the format. Obviously the finale will be Wes Craven, so I'd recommend avoiding his movies until then. I got a lot of complaints about the 24 line limit last time so i'm switching it to 30 this time to give y'all more room and get you ready for King of the Mountain. So...
30 Line Limits
24 Hour Deadlines
No extensions, no exceptions
Horror Topics
No posting your verses elsewhere until the battle is finished
Brian. Very strong verse. The storyline came across with the confidence of famous folk lore. There was a straight line between what you wanted to say and what you said, and the pace inclined at a solid angle. Having quotations throughout verses is a delicate thing but you integrated them very nicely. The plot escalation was nicely planned, there was no grey area in the progression of action. The twist at the end was executed nicely and you finished in a way reminiscent of horror stories in general
Tim. I really enjoyed all the strong, poetic, and unique one liners you utilized throughout. Mechanics were strong however at times I feel you let the intended rhymes dictate the content a little too much. I felt your content was very enjoyable line to line but difficult to fully envelope myself in start to finish. The only other piece of negative feed is that I didn't get as much of a horror-feel to this as I could have. Can really appreciate the thought put into every line. That quoted segment also had a very poetic feel that seemed to be the strongest aspect of your verse.
Frost, your shortstory level storytelling was your biggest aid in this verse. i really love the contrast from around the 3/4 mark of the verse. Ended it nicely. Felt it was a little slow off the hop but that was due to the background content you chose to incorporate which did aid the verse in the long run but offered a 'quiet before the storm' typa intro. You had a bunch of cool thoughtful one liners and fantastic imagery throughout.
Between Tim and Frost, contentwise it'd be a coinflip but I may edge Frost an account of his better relation to the topic. But I feel Lars was a step ahead in this one. He progressed his verse like a roller coaster constantly moving forward, told an effective story with no downtime, and dropping a verse worthy of a tourney win. Despite it's massive size this is one of the best battles I've read, and although I feel there's a decisive winner, everyone brought top tier shit. Made it easier to get through all that content so props on this one, was a doozy.
+1 Lars
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Damn, this battle was really fucking dope. So 1st and for-most, good shit to everyone involved.
Lars - I don't read many topicals and lately, I've voted on a few finals you have been in and you never disappoint man. Your story lines are so fucking ILL, coordinated and well thought out. I always enjoy reading your topicals. There isn't much I can say other then maybe try and experiment with rhyme schemes to enhance your pen game... Because the mechanics are mastered man... Your imagery is on point, vocab and story line always immaculate.
Tim - I've NEVER read a topical from you but damn, I will start checking them out. I was impressed. Awesome piece. I will say, the flow and story line was a little sketchy but none the less still a bomb of a piece. I enjoyed the 1st half of your verse a lot. I liked the rhyme schemes you incorporated and the story line. However, I think between you and the last piece, I'd have to say - his story line was a little more well put as far as character and the transitioning of developing his character and creating the environment around that character. Your drop was still dope and I really enjoyed it.
OG - I think I've read a few of your topical drops before and you definitely are nice w/ the pen. Your story line for me, was probably the least favorite in this three way. I think you focused strongly on areas as where you should have expanded. I think your character build up was good, but was held back because you were focused a little too much on executing the angle you took and that to me kind of hurt your piece. But over all, another nice piece...
SO in order of enjoyment; Baron Mind, Tim, OG.
Story Line - Baron Mind
Flow/Schemes - Tim (Even tho you did get choppy at times, I think you took this.)
Structure/Concept - Baron Mind & Tim were tied here IMO
Imagery - Baron IMO clearly took this, cause of his story line and how well he placed his wording to create and develop his character
Not sure what other categories are judged, as I've stated I'm not to familiar with topicals, so I'm purely voting off of the piece I felt was the "Better" one.
Baron Mind got this - w/ just a more polished piece
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