Sacred Scriptures Season 15 Week 3: SELF ACTIVATE WINS

[143]

CHECK IN BY 2/29

VERSES BY 3/4, EXTENSION TO 3/5

VOTES BY 3/9

--> ALL TIMES ARE MIDNIGHT PST <--

RULES HERE:----> http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...eason-15-Rules

HERE ARE YOUR TOPICS....


http://img13.deviantart.net/bf3a/i/2...rt-d9sm0p2.jpg

http://img12.deviantart.net/6c37/i/2...__by_gnato.jpg

http://img12.deviantart.net/39e6/i/2...__by_gnato.jpg

Walking on Eggshells
The Adjustment Bureau

Episcopalian Anarchy
Anticlimactic Honorificabilitudinitatibus

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Good luck old chap. My the heavens bless us in battle. lol.

*unsheathes pen*

[Soule]

Let the best Peaky Rhymer win.

http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...yricist-(1-0))

[Soule]

http://img13.deviantart.net/bf3a/i/2...rt-d9sm0p2.jpg



The detective walked into the room, consumed by a young girl's doom,
no words produced, just a tingling chill as he continues to lurk for clues.
No smirk, askew, he circles the corpse like a wolf dancing in the dark,
glancing at her scars, his brain spinning thread like a spider making art.
Breaking his heart, she's no older than the daughter he buried last year,
glass tears dripping down both cheeks and soaking into his brass beard.
Ash smeared around her eyes, an empty gaze like she'd died hypnotized,
blind... crystallized... either way he's amazed by the bride victimized.
A sight visualized by some sadistic fiend, it's haunting the detective,
taunting his perspectives, this entire case has been a daunting collection.
A vaunting inspection... he's observing her pearl necklace of bruises,
becoming a restless nuisance, fighting the odds and wretched confusion.
Depression... delusions begin filling his head until it's ready to erupt,
neither steady nor defunct, he's balancing it out but is heavily corrupt.
Meddling, debunk, his tactics slowly become questionable and unjust,
eligible distrust, the force is starting to think he's an unmanageable judge.
A damnable bust, pacing back and forth with ice cubes melting in a cup,
helping ain't enough, something inside him keeps yelling with a grudge.
He hears her yelping in her blood, hitting himself hoping she'd be quiet,
his dreams become violent, imagining his cigar burning between eyelids.
A movie in silence, every piece of evidence seems to lead him nowhere,
like road flares without an accident, he's distracted by her cold stare.
Hope wears thin as it becomes a cold case, but he's determined to hold pace,
no way he's quitting when the killer's living in the city his own raised.
A stone gaze in the mirror, is it fear or is he beginning to understand,
it wasn't another man that killed her... in fact... she's an asunder plan.
A reflection of his daughter that's stronger than his sense of reality,
the dense actuality that he can't let go of her death, he pretends casually.
He depends tactfully on solving mysteries from his history of tragedies,
his misery, a casualty of loss caused by life withering and catastrophes.
The delivery of blasphemy as he's guilty and God won't let him forget,
each sin suppressed, his palms are red and conscious dimmed with regret.

Buried his daughter and now he relives that night over and over again,
sober or unhinged, she's stuck looking over his shoulder, condemned.

[SELF ACTIVATE]

SEEKING SALVATION

I know her time is almost up, she's wasting away right in front of me -- doctor says
"...maybe a month or a couple of weeks, depends how much she wants to be alive, Matt"
I close my eyes, rewind back, to a time where everything was fine as a glass of wine; and
Jazz was all she ever had on the radio, she danced like a lady so elegant from head to toe
The way she flowed to every note was something like a stage show; so full of life her face glowed
She was the type to take home, to make a wife and wait for the wedding night and cake course
I'd give my life plus eight more, skip paradise, and tape thorns around my head to pay for ...
Cheating Death a great score! I really hate this pain, Lord, I promise that'll change if ...
You save her from this anguish; in every tongue and language, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL VANQUISH
Every sin and take trips to every place the saints went and sign my name on bank slips
And give it all to raise kids in unprivileged nations ... if only it would save Liz!
But cancer doesn't take bids or disappear like Blaine tricks -- and praying's where the lane ends
For those that lack the basic - economic basis - to really make a plate shift and interrupt the stasis
She's shriveled up, but laid stiff, covered full of blankets, her garden crop is blade-less
The chemo gave her gray skin ... so any given day it, can probably be her last if, I sit around and wait with ...
The vultures and ravens, that came to taste her bathed in, the rancid-rotting-fragrance, that only her decay gives!
A single shot to take as ... seconds on the clock pass -- I heard about an option: experimental conscious
Swaps into a "mock stem" -- arranged it with the doctors to take her from the hospice...
And place her in the chopper, I watched her from the cockpit, we lifted off -- the shock hit!
What happens if they botch it? I thought about it constant! The cons of the concept....
Unregulated process! The pros in the progress if everything's accomplished -- we landed on the tarmac
Two car came and got us, and took us to a compound, surrounding by a tall gate, with military bloodhounds
The rain came at sundown, just seconds as we touchdown, inside a modern lobby, with paintings from a profound
Range of famous artist, as Bach played the background -- the sound of his foot steps against the granite pavement
Echoed down the hallway and never ever faded..."Hello, I'm Dr. Nathan, and welcome to 'Salvation' ...
Nurse, take the patient ...we'll start the operation the second that their payment is transferred to our bankers"
They rolled her to her station then placed her on the table, connected several cables -- her heart rate was stable
I watched from an angle, they charged up the 'Halo', then placed it on her head, like a man made angel ...
Releasing nanobytes that possessed the ability to spread, multiply, and reproduce, her genetic traits and scan
The tissues of her body and her brain for advanced ... fractal reconstruction as the molecules expanded
Creating clone cells for the "mock stem" to use ... and copy DNA until a host was produced
And placed in incubation in a sterilized room .... as the coma was reduced and her consciousness resumed
Into her new body like a butterfly cocooned ... inside a bioplastic or an "exomorphic womb"
I waited nine moons 'til she bloomed like a tulip with ocean blue eyes that broke the binds of Medus...
And gave my soul hope for how she bodes in the future!

http://img13.deviantart.net/bf3a/i/2...rt-d9sm0p2.jpg

[Emily]

wow, what a great battle between two talented writers. Really good.

So let's do it.

Goliath:

You've got this dark detective thing down pat. You've always been good with this type of topic and as usual, here, it didn't let you down. I can say that it was a smooth read, full of rhymes, internals and multies. That you had a twist, which I liked. I also liked how you talked about the pain she went through, although...I could have done without the words ..."... he's observing her pearl necklace of bruises..." that just put the wrong thoughts into my head, into my dirty head, and then, once there, the smirk wouldn't leave. I get the bruises part, and I like that imagery, but the wording...made me chuckle a bit, it didn't make the impact it should have, because of that wording.
Sometimes I think your rhymes, as good as they were, we a tad over done. You may think this isn't fair. Writers cant win. Not enough rhymes, too many rhymes, I hear you. In this case though, at once stage I felt myself feeling that the same sounding rhyme went on a longer than it could have and it got a bit meh' predictable. The flow was cool. But a switch in flow is good at times too. Changing the beat from this to that. I don't know if you understand me.
You had some stunning imagery, descriptions, really, really good. I think your intro was my favourite, very smooth and some stellar wording that just falls so well.
I enjoyed the storyline, although story wise, no shocker, your signature talent is sprawled all over it, and it was entertaining to read.
A good job done here Goliath. Very impressive writing.

SELF ACTIVATE

I have to admit, it took me a few lines in to get into the rhyme and song of your piece. I found myself feeling like I wanted more rhyme and flow from you. But as I read on, I noticed that this piece wasn't the big jam packed piece that's going to be full of internals and multies and over flowing with the same strong sounds. I noticed that the rhymes were softer and scattered and not so much in ya face, but made of a balmy light that had a softer touch, smoothing flow out with a tranquil nature. Quite fitting for the atmosphere of the piece I think. Hardly conventional and nearly always left of centre, even your content has followed the lead with this unorthodox display of written work. The story line was enthralling to read and kept my interest.
I think you had a lot of lines here that stood out as entirely unique and new to me.
I do wish though, and find it such a shame, that you failed to pick up on one crucial typo that changed the world for me. All because of a letter A.
Had you picked up on it, the flow would have fallen golden in your outro and right off the page, instead, I stagnated and tripped up.
I really wish you had picked up on...."with ocean blue eyes that broke the binds of Medus...
And gave my soul hope for how she bodes in the future!"

and made it ..."...with ocean blue eyes that broke the binds of Medusa...
And gave my soul hope for now she bodes in the future!

It's the outro. Going out with a bang leaves lasting impressions. If you're ever going to go over something again and again, it should be the outro. That's the taste we're left with. For me, it's really important to not get typo's happening there.

Regardless, I think both gentlemen did a remarkable job and I'm impressed with the creative elements they've displayed in their work here.
Based on the one that caught my interest more, the one that held more of an organic touch for me, the one I enjoyed more...
I have to give my vote to...


V - SELF ACTIVATE

Well done Lads.
Top Job.

[TheIllyricist]

SEEKING SALVATION

I know her time is almost up, she's wasting away right in front of me -- doctor says
"...maybe a month or a couple of weeks, depends how much she wants to be alive, Matt"
I close my eyes, rewind back, to a time where everything was fine as a glass of wine; and
Jazz was all she ever had on the radio, she danced like a lady so elegant from head to toe
The way she flowed to every note was something like a stage show; so full of life her face glowed
She was the type to take home, to make a wife and wait for the wedding night and cake course
I'd give my life plus eight more, skip paradise, and tape thorns around my head to pay for ...
Cheating Death a great score! I really hate this pain, Lord, I promise that'll change if ...
You save her from this anguish; in every tongue and language, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL VANQUISH
Every sin and take trips to every place the saints went and sign my name on bank slips
And give it all to raise kids in unprivileged nations ... if only it would save Liz!

First two lines or so didn't have quite your signature flow. BUT, that was alright cus' it was leading in. Prepping us. Telling us a story and giving us the facts of the situation. I feel this on a personal level. It didn't take you long to get into the rhythm and when you did you went straight at it. Weaving the words, telling your tale. The characters were true, and the imagery real. The feelings were relatable as I know them myself. My ears are engaged by the line about her listening to jazz. You built up the characters with small pieces of information that makes me feel like I'm reading the real thoughts of an actual person. Great job to start us off.

But cancer doesn't take bids or disappear like Blaine tricks -- and praying's where the lane ends
For those that lack the basic - economic basis - to really make a plate shift and interrupt the stasis
She's shriveled up, but laid stiff, covered full of blankets, her garden crop is blade-less
The chemo gave her gray skin ... so any given day it, can probably be her last if, I sit around and wait with ...
The vultures and ravens, that came to taste her bathed in, the rancid-rotting-fragrance, that only her decay gives!
A single shot to take as ... seconds on the clock pass -- I heard about an option: experimental conscious
Swaps into a "mock stem" -- arranged it with the doctors to take her from the hospice...

Sickness doesn't cooperate. Life doesn't go our way all the time, particularly when we're talking about cancer and other things. I've witnessed the process of ALS and how fast it works... It doesn't listen to human wants or desires. Being sick is being sick and all you can do is hope for the best when it's the truly bad kind. Love the metaphorical, poetic imagery you give us. You got a poets heart in you Self Activate. Vultures and ravens is a chilling piece of imagery and I feel the desperation coming on. Death is so near... But there is an option. Wouldn't we all take that chance? Despite the cost, despite the lack of information on the experimental process; we'd do this. We would go for it. Jump off that ledge for our loved ones to try and save 'em.

And place her in the chopper, I watched her from the cockpit, we lifted off -- the shock hit!
What happens if they botch it? I thought about it constant! The cons of the concept....
Unregulated process! The pros in the progress if everything's accomplished -- we landed on the tarmac
Two car came and got us, and took us to a compound, surrounding by a tall gate, with military bloodhounds
The rain came at sundown, just seconds as we touchdown, inside a modern lobby, with paintings from a profound
Range of famous artist, as Bach played the background -- the sound of his foot steps against the granite pavement
Echoed down the hallway and never ever faded..."Hello, I'm Dr. Nathan, and welcome to 'Salvation' ...
Nurse, take the patient ...we'll start the operation the second that their payment is transferred to our bankers"
They rolled her to her station then placed her on the table, connected several cables -- her heart rate was stable

Second thoughts. The worry, things can go wrong. But hey, things have already gotten so bad. Nice usage of the dialogue. Real sharp, to the point and you've kept your rhyme scheme a-flowin'. Cinematic viewing experience with high level writing. Your narrative is sharp and everything is still something that comes off as genuine.

I watched from an angle, they charged up the 'Halo', then placed it on her head, like a man made angel ...
Releasing nanobytes that possessed the ability to spread, multiply, and reproduce, her genetic traits and scan
The tissues of her body and her brain for advanced ... fractal reconstruction as the molecules expanded
Creating clone cells for the "mock stem" to use ... and copy DNA until a host was produced
And placed in incubation in a sterilized room .... as the coma was reduced and her consciousness resumed
Into her new body like a butterfly cocooned ... inside a bioplastic or an "exomorphic womb"
I waited nine moons 'til she bloomed like a tulip with ocean blue eyes that broke the binds of Medus...
And gave my soul hope for how she bodes in the future!

Love the idea of an advanced 'halo' being placed over her head to give her life. New life. She is his angel. So, if I'm reading this right she doesn't stay in her new body? Her mind has gone over to a new body? That's a hell of an interesting sci-fi concept you got going. Scary too. The doctor is playing God right here. We end on a hopeful note of the narrator's hope when she awakes. But there's something off-putting. Something strange that she's in a new body. Pulled from death, cheating it. I wonder if things may have gone awry. Are things the same? Interesting questions to leave unanswered and I think it was wise to leave them be. Pretty damn well done, Self Activate!

The detective walked into the room, consumed by a young girl's doom,
no words produced, just a tingling chill as he continues to lurk for clues.
No smirk, askew, he circles the corpse like a wolf dancing in the dark,
glancing at her scars, his brain spinning thread like a spider making art.
Breaking his heart, she's no older than the daughter he buried last year,
glass tears dripping down both cheeks and soaking into his brass beard.

Emily pointed it out already, you got the dark detective voice pretty well down. The wounded soul, perhaps an alcoholic. A real traditional detective type. Wolf dancing in the dark, spider making art was real cool. I like those kinds of things because of their poetic nature. Nice quick way to drop in the daughter and add an element of sympathy for the detective and paint him as person with multiple dimensions.

Ash smeared around her eyes, an empty gaze like she'd died hypnotized,
blind... crystallized... either way he's amazed by the bride victimized.
A sight visualized by some sadistic fiend, it's haunting the detective,
taunting his perspectives, this entire case has been a daunting collection.
A vaunting inspection... he's observing her pearl necklace of bruises,
becoming a restless nuisance, fighting the odds and wretched confusion.
Depression... delusions begin filling his head until it's ready to erupt,
neither steady nor defunct, he's balancing it out but is heavily corrupt.

Pearl necklace of bruises, yeah I don't know if that was the right wording. It was a cool attempt, a cool play at the wording and that's something we have to do to get better as writers. Hell, someone else might think that was dope. I just think it felt off-putting. Not the right tone as I kind of laughed when this is clearly meant to be dark, and somber. Also unnecessarily sexual when we didn't need it. Still, that's the only main problem I really had with the rest of your writing here. A man vs himself, vs his thoughts. Struggling to come to grips with the sight before him and the death of his daughter. That's heartfelt.

Meddling, debunk, his tactics slowly become questionable and unjust,
eligible distrust, the force is starting to think he's an unmanageable judge.
A damnable bust, pacing back and forth with ice cubes melting in a cup,
helping ain't enough, something inside him keeps yelling with a grudge.
He hears her yelping in her blood, hitting himself hoping she'd be quiet,
his dreams become violent, imagining his cigar burning between eyelids.
A movie in silence, every piece of evidence seems to lead him nowhere,
like road flares without an accident, he's distracted by her cold stare.
Hope wears thin as it becomes a cold case, but he's determined to hold pace,
no way he's quitting when the killer's living in the city his own raised.

A cop so determined to find a killer due to the connections that have built him to the point he is today. That's a great bridge, a good piece of transformation story wise. He wants the killer to be taken into justice so the dreams will stop. "Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?" The way you described it made me think of The Silence of the Lambs. And we feel the frustration when the case goes cold. No justice, just the cold sense of failure and loneliness.

A stone gaze in the mirror, is it fear or is he beginning to understand,
it wasn't another man that killed her... in fact... she's an asunder plan.
A reflection of his daughter that's stronger than his sense of reality,
the dense actuality that he can't let go of her death, he pretends casually.
He depends tactfully on solving mysteries from his history of tragedies,
his misery, a casualty of loss caused by life withering and catastrophes.
The delivery of blasphemy as he's guilty and God won't let him forget,
each sin suppressed, his palms are red and conscious dimmed gwith regret.

Buried his daughter and now he relives that night over and over again,
sober or unhinged, she's stuck looking over his shoulder, condemned.

Hm. I'm not a hundred percent sure what to make of the finale here. It's a strong finale, this is true. I wonder... did he kill his own daughter? If that's the case, well shit, we really have a story here. A dark as fuck one too. Corrupt cop burying himself into his work trying to bring scumbag killers, thieves, rapists to justice in order to alleviate the guilt he has for what he did to his daughter which could also explain why he's so affected by the dead girl he's investigating. Of course, it could still be he simply lost his daughter. His daughter was killed, and now another. He feels doubly guilty and the regret of not catching the fucker is killing him. 'Palms are red' indicating he feels the death is on his hands. Perhaps literally, perhaps figuratively, perhaps both. O think you could have let it end on that line and the results would be sticking with us even more in that ending. Anyway. Great job.

In a hotly contested battle my vote goes to Self Activate due to better mechanics within the structure, but also the content as presented felt more unique and smooth-flowing. I connected with it more on a personal level, and the story-telling came off as more fluid. Excellent writing to the both of you. Great battle.

[Sammy]

Mr. Hardy
Great story progression. It was very linear and easy to follow story and was rather engaging, so biggups on that. What i noticed from you style of writing is the scheme. At times its beautiful but at other times its too conventional. Let me explain:

he detective walked into the room, consumed by a young girl's doom,
no words produced, just a tingling chill as he continues to lurk for clues.
No smirk, askew, he circles the corpse like a wolf dancing in the dark,

It often starts with multies/multies
next line's corresponding multies/multies
then transitional multies follow by next set of multies

Its pretty much in junction the whole verse. At certain point it became distracting because it seems you were too busy trying to fit the scheme...so much to the point that it affected wording. There were a number of awkward wordings i felt.

blind... crystallized... either way he's amazed by the bride victimized.

eligible distrust

she's an asunder plan.

and i felt it was all due to you trying to fit that strict rhyme scheme. Lurking on many hip hop writing sites, there's this one dude, who's style i've come to know and recognize, his name is Soulstice. Very dope writer. He adhere's to similar scheme mechanic as you but pulled it off perfectly due to his wording and voice. If you don't know him, definitely check him out as he has the same scheme and flow but never sacrifice wording for it nah mean? Another issue i had was the execution of the story. This is where my recent venture into poetry is very valuable. I noticed your narrative style is very "Telling". You ever hear of the old adage "Show, don't tell"? LIke the way you approach this was like "OK so this happened, then this happened, then this happened" It really lay out the scene rap by rap too the point that again, it felt kind of lifeless. Story progression is great but it lacks certain "intimate" details. Read niggas like Jukon, Emily or Illyricist or even your own teammate L.E. to see what i mean. They "breathe" life into their pieces; They are great at sketching internal imagery using paralleling (sometimes even off-shoot) metaphors to describe the inner landscape of a character, setting or dilemma. I think if you can grasp that ... dude, aint NOBODY fuckin with you! You're a great story teller. I mean this story is not that original but you have the capability to lay out a story in your head and for the most part execute the plot well. To be fair there were definitely shades of brilliance in this verse:

A movie in silence, every piece of evidence seems to lead him nowhere,

"A movie in silence" was beautifully worded! That's what i'm talking about! Overall, great story but not without its flaws.


Self
Unlike your opponent, you were able to layer you story with a more mature voice and stylistic approach. First off, this may be the first time i've ever seen you execute this type of scheme, nigga! And you know me, i'm a huge fan of this type of subtle interweaving schemes so this was right up my alley, ha! lots of assonance even slants which kept the read very fresh. Noticed my boy TheIllyricst comment on the first line but let me just want to say that i did catch what u were doing because i'm a greater writer than him lmao (Kidding Theillyricst!).

I know her time is almost up, she's (stress the syllables there because there's a punctuation in btetween) wasting away right in front of me -- doctor says
"...maybe a month or a couple of weeks, depends how much she wants to be alive, Matt"

even the in-between schemes were dope. Also dug the variations in flow as it kept the read fresh throughout. As far as story goes, i thought it was pretty original. I suppose in the distant future, the idea of cloning has advance so much that it boarders on the metaphysical. Quite fitting of the title as i noticed the clever play there lol! Again, i thought you effectively utilized metaphorical parallels that gives your verse a very mature and intimate quality.

The vultures and ravens, that came to taste her bathed in, the rancid-rotting-fragrance, that only her decay gives!

I'd give my life plus eight more, skip paradise, and tape thorns around my head to pay for ...

i appreciate that type of lines as it gives a creative paralleling of different concepts to give an overall appealing imagery that just haunts readers.

Vote - SELF ACTIVATE. this was a battle of two storyteller but one had the overall better execution and more daring dictions and creative rhyming mechanics. Pretty cool battle, gents.

[Judge Mentill]

Goliath- Great work here mate. You brought the detective's mental state and his history to life with even bars, strong vocab and a rhyme scheme that was slick and engaging. I had that grab the popcorn feeling when I started reading this and it held to the end. My only criticism was that I felt the middle of the verse slowed down the narrative a little but it back on track and strong quickly enough. Great use of imagery throughout and a nice, clean finish at the end of the piece.

Self-Active- And damn if you didn't bring the fire as well! Pretty much everything positive I just said about Goliath I can apply to your piece. The narrative was clear as crystal throughout, you got inside the mind of the narrator and told the story his wife's decline and the mental anguish he was feeling. The idea of negotiating with the disease was a strong one, certainly something anyone who's lost someone to cancer can relate to. It felt you could've equalized your bars more for a smoother flow, but it didn't detract from the narrative too much or the interesting sci-fi in the final act of the piece.

I say Goddam, this was hard fought competition.

Vote- Self, he inched the quality of consistency of the narrative. Damn near equal on everything else.

[Nahlidge]

Mr Hardy/Goliath,
Wasn't sure what to think of your piece at first, but on 2nd read I thought it was good. I think your choice of rhyme and rhythm got predictable. And continuing that scheme hurt your wording at times which made me not really get into the piece the first read through. I don't think anything really stood out as the topic didn't really connect with me, but it was still a good read and interesting take on the topic.

SELF ACTIVATE,
I hated your structure at first lol, but after reading a few lines in, it started to work a little better. I think the slow start to rhyming in the beginning slowed this down though. After it picked up I think it carried along dope for the rest of the piece. Still wasn't a fan of the opening structure wise. I thought the ending was abrupt and didn't do the rest of the piece justice. Good read.

Vote - SELF ACTIVATE
I like when both opponents choose the same topic. It makes for a better battle to see who can flip it better. SELF's drop won me over this time around. Both were also similar in how the writers used a continuous rhyme scheme to push the flow forward, I think SELF did a better job at it. Goliath's wording hurt his piece in a few parts. I also connected with his take on the topic more.

[L.E]

Man, we have some ridiculously talented fucking writers in that Peaky shit. Damn.

Goliath man, this was a beats of a fucking piece. Had me gripped from the get go with the intriguing imagery. The flow was good, though awkwardly worded in some places, I loved the vocabulary and word choice you had going on. The spider painting art line was ridiculous. I liked how you developed your character. He seemed tense right from the get go, and the dark gritty vibe was nailed right from the start.

Favorite Lines:

"He hears her yelping in her blood, hitting himself hoping she'd be quiet,
his dreams become violent, imagining his cigar burning between eyelids.

Buried his daughter and now he relives that night over and over again,
sober or unhinged, she's stuck looking over his shoulder, condemned."

That is just chilly haha. The ending really tied the picture and the piece together nicely, as well as putting the finishing touches to your madman of a detective character. Very strong entry overall man, I loved the character transitioning and the tie in with the new case for sure. Good stuff!

Self, man, this was some sort of mystical stuff. I would definitely agree that the opening is awkward, but as I kept on I was more and more interested with what was unfolding. Definitely touched on some interesting topics that have huge emotional tie and impact with lots of people. It was also cool in a way how it was like an opposite Deadpool, how the female was the one receiving this crazy treatment. Crazy creative story that was unexpected.

Favorite Lines:

"She was the type to take home, to make a wife and wait for the wedding night and cake course
I'd give my life plus eight more, skip paradise, and tape thorns around my head to pay for ...

They rolled her to her station then placed her on the table, connected several cables -- her heart rate was stable
I watched from an angle, they charged up the 'Halo', then placed it on her head, like a man made angel ..."

Great emotion and imagery. Your piece is this crazy ride of emotions, and it actually reads pretty nicely as it picks up steam. Definitely a few awkward bits here and there, but overall, a very nice piece that builds up nicely. Also a beautiful tie in with the picture as she is birthed from the plastic. Very cool stuff man.

There was a bunch of crazy battles this week and this one was no exception. Stoked to be in a crew with you all that's for sure.

Vote - Self Activate

Keep up the great stuff both of you.

[143]

So coming into this I felt that this would be BTW

G

I see your aspect on this topic not only bringing the tone with the darkness but underlining it with a robotic sense of writing it with multies being so technical. Reading your verse gave me walls to bounce off of and make my way through as the story progress.To me that's a good thing because the movement was constant and it never rested on one idea or action. The bad part is that it needed a sense of some type of emotion in the form of breaking up that robotic feeling in the structure of the verse which would have brought about a nice transition to the overall piece.

S
Your emotion started right off the bat. I love how you approached this giving the set up of the character with some subtleness. As soft the picture was your tailored your style to match in which that incorporation of the details real stood out. I felt that your verse came across almost conversational like with the smoothness you were able to attain by the aforementioned softness. Also choosing s long bar form to the table gave you room to really bring out some deep imagery in all action being made. I think that choice to do it in that fashion is what brought you the win...

Vote Self

[143]

SELF ACTIVATE wins 0-7